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I've been chronically ill for nearly two years, and recently it's gotten much worse in a short amount of time. I won't go into the details unless anyone is interested and asks, but I have yet to be diagnosed or given any possible explanation for my health problems. So added to chronic illness, fatigue, and pain are uncertainty and frustration. So, yeah, I'm depressed. And it's only getting worse. But I'm unsure about addressing it at the moment because I've gone so long trying to get someone to figure out what is happening to me and why I am so ill that I'm afraid to seek treatment for my depression. Doctors always ask about depression and I always say yes, I am. And then come the suggestions of depression and anxiety manifesting themselves in a myriad of unexplained symptoms. I'm always very clear that I was not depressed before I became ill and that the depression is a result of the illness, not the cause of it. But it's getting pretty bad lately. When I was first having issues, my husband and family were constantly telling me to go see a doctor because I've always been pretty reluctant to see a doctor for most things. Everyone stressed how concerned they were, and my family was sincerely interested in what was going on, always asking a lot of questions and wanting to know how appointments and tests had gone. But I guess after two years, people are tired of talking about illness. No one shows much concern anymore, even though I'm ten times worse than I was in the beginning, no one asks any more questions than politeness requires. I understand, it's not something you want to think about or talk about much. I've made it a point to not talk about my health anymore, and I even try to keep my responses to a minimum when questioned about it. But it just makes things so much worse because I feel completely alone all of the time. So I finally told my husband about some symptoms I'd been experiencing and my concerns, and was trying to talk to him about the best course of action in terms of which doctor to see and he was so cold through it all. He used to be so concerned for me, so loving, and caring, but I guess it's just gone on for too long now. He told me that hearing about my symptoms is too much for him because just seeing how sick I've become causes him to worry a lot and so anything else is just too much. I'm thinking if merely hearing me talk about the way I feel is too much, imagine actually having to feel that way every single day. Om stuck with it. I have no choice but to think about my health all of the time because it's affected every single aspect of my life and does so on a daily basis. So I'm hurt and I'm sad and I'm lonely. And the worst part is that I have a little girl just under two years old. I've been sick for her whole life so far. I'm missing it. All of it. It goes by so fast and I'm never going to get a chance to enjoy these years with her again. Not to mention the constant guilt over not being the mom I had planned to be or the mom that she deserves. Until recently, I was already upset about the many activities that she was missing because of my health- mommy and me classes, daily visits to the park, etc but I still took care of the vast majority of the parenting responsibilities. In the past few months, I've worsened to the point that I'm unable to get out of bed for the entire day sometimes and so my husband has taken over some of them, like bath time and meal times, etc. And already, my little girl favors her dad. But more than that. She will cuddle up to him but push me away when I try to kiss her cheek. When she's upset, she won't allow me to soothe her anymore- she screams and reaches out for him. I've never experienced anything more heartbreaking in my life. So I'm all alone with nothing but some mystery illness that has taken all of the good days away from me lately. They were few and far between a few months ago, but now they are non-existent. And I've thought about suicide quite a bit. I don't think I'd ever be able to do it, but I do think about it when I'm feeling completely hopeless. I know I should probably check into an in-patient facility and get some real help for my depression. And that's what I'd like to do. But I am terrified that I'll never get a proper diagnosis if I do. I've heard so many times where a doctor was unable to find the cause of an illness and so ruled it as being a result of stress/anxiety/depression. If doctors believe my illness is psychosomatic, they will never find the cause of my health problems, which is what started all of this in the first place. Anyways. I'm sorry for writing so much, but I'm so exhausted from bottling everything up all the time. Being left alone with your worries and fears and guilt and a broken heart is pretty terrible way to feel.
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