Im 15 years old and I'm struggling help me please
Posted , 3 users are following.
Okay so I knew exactly what to put before I started typing now my brain is even more scrambled. I don't what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, I can't tell if I'm subconsciously faking it or if that's even a thing, I don't know if this is for attention but I really can't help how I feel and what's on my mind and why I can't stop it. I'm scared I'm frustrated I'm lonely but I don't allow myself to show my emotion to other people. I can't even talk about it because when I do I either cry or everything that's coming out of my mouth doesn't even sound like myself. I was extremely depressed a year ago around this time and I missed basically my 9th grade year of high school and I have to do it again which i am doing this year. I've struggled with depression since I was younger. And of course I keep my emotions bottled up . I can give more background information if y'all ask for it but I'll get to the point of what's really bugging me now. Being black and complaining about life issues isn't a good mix cause we have this idea that we're stronger and therapy is for whites people and etc. But me I've been stuck idk I'm trying to get to the point it's hard I always feel like I have to explain myself fully so people will understand exactly how I feel. I get high a lot just weed So that may be my problem too, but like I've just been feeling like empty, dull or idk spectating my whole life, I fantasize a lot about people I know or barely know or want to know and just make up long stories in my head. But everyone does that right ? If I'm not doing that I'm Contemplating on my homework and school I missing too much school and I can never say why I just stare at my mother while she yells at me she has come to the conclusion that hittin me does nothing anymore that has been stopped being effective. But like I will get all the work I need to do out and sit it right in front of my face and just stare at it debating with myself in my head . And I still won't do it. But I won't get on the phone or watch tv either because I tell myself I don't deserve it because this is what you should be doing but my body is just like "nah." And than sometimes my brain goes f**k it and I watch tv or get otp. If this isn't happening I'm overthinking about what to say in a conversation because idk what to say, I would think of something My sister would say or just anybody else so I can sound idk better ? But when I say that my one side of my brain disagrees and tells me What I as myself would say but I think it's dumb and I think the person would think I'm dumb or weird because that's all I used to get called and all the time not in a mean way but growing up my sister (I have 2) they would make fun of me. But I'm not the type to let myself get bullied either but I wasn't as mean as them I never understood how could people say mean things to hurt other people they care about so even when they hurt my feelings I didn't want to hurt theirs as much so I would just stop fussing and cry. And they really just think I don't care like nobody sees me the way i see myself . But I don't really know how I see myself and I'm sorry I'm trying to stay on topic. But anyway she like I was saying when I was high I would find myself holding myself and just staring into in deep thought like I'm stuck and than I would have this feeling of reality like Aniya wtf are you doing and I would try to engage in conversation but it doesn't work because I don't really be knowing what to say and I force fake laughs to make it seem like I care because I do or at least I think I do. And if I'm not thinking about that I'm thinking about embarrassing moments in my life that has happened to me going years back or recent. If I'm not thinking about that I'm thinking about this me right here telling someone about my problems and then I talk myself out of it saying it's dumb, they are made up you'll be fine just keep pretending, but it's getting exhausting nobody understands my aunt still asks me or says stuff about last year my mother tells me I hope I'm not going through my lil thing again because she doesn't have time and etc. And I'm just so nice in a a**hole way though I try to be considerate of others feelings recently I have toughened up and stood my ground more tho. But if I'm not thinking about that I'm thinking about sex. And I have some secrets that I really want to tell people about that happened when I was really really young like not even doubled digits I think that may have had an affect on me. But I've always been weird in a way idk my grandmother has Bipolar my mother and father are alcoholics and he's on some mental medicine. I don't know and if I'm not thinking about that I'm thinking about me comparing myself to others how people have been through so much more than me and I want to be complaining or how it could be worse and than the other side of my brain goes in therapy they tell you to not do that becaus everyone has there own problems. But let's be real some people are just seeking attention and need to be grateful and I think I'm one of those people but why is this idea that something is wrong with me is stuck in my head . I don't feel like myself I never really did I don't know how to handle my emotions unless I'm crying about one of my tv series or to a song I cry to myself because when I cry outloud I make people mad becaus I never say what's wrong just tears . I make a lot of sarcastic comments and jokes I'm good at seeing things from a lot of perspective which is why it's hard for me to ask for help because I think I can help myself but now I just think I'm helpless. Lately I've just been thinking so deep my mind has just been racing about things to be mad about and when I get mad I can barely control I have to hit something to relieve myself bang my Head or something I shake I get hot everything is more intense. I'm a small bit paranoid too Idk if it's from weed or from growing up with a father who mentally abused me and my sisters and my mother and physically abused my mother in our face . Plus he was in and out jail he is currently locked up but I talk to him still and tell him I love him because no one else is holding a grudge and he's hurting enough so why should I hurt him some more right ? Really I just been thinking about how I need some consistency i want a family dinner, someone to force me to do my homework, I want to be told I love you and I can say it back without feeling weird or uncomfortable, I want people to see me how I see me, I need reassurance but everybody treats me like I'm dingy when I ask a lot of questions so I can make sure I don't get the wrong thing and make a mistake when they ask for a favor . And it's a lot more of just desperate emotions I'm feeling . I just wanna know if it's real or not and can someone make it stop please I just wanna be like everybody else and worry about a boy and do my schoolwork like I used to I mean I never had to really apply myself in elementary and middle it was alll too easy but high school and I'm at the best public school in my city it's hard, but instead of being overly obsessive about everything but still not doing what I'm supposed to be doing . Honestly I don't what I mean please reply
1 like, 4 replies
Adldiane llc508
Posted
As I was reading what you wrote I wondered where do get support at home. You said both your parents are alcoholics so who is there for you to love and help you through daily life. Would it be possible for you to get some counseling? Please write me back. Diane
llc508 Adldiane
Posted
nobody really. And it is possible but that will just cause more problems if I were to actually open up in counseling. Since I'm a minor they will consider my living condition a danger to myself and take me out of my home and send my mother to court.
Adldiane llc508
Posted
Hi again. I see what you mean. That is a dilemma. Let me think about this for a while😊. Diane
wayne1962 llc508
Posted
Hi iic508 - Phew! There's a lot in your post, and I can understand why you are feeling complicated, disillusioned and disconnected.
First you are 15. Hormones are racing around, and that can affect out thinking and perception. This state of being is perfectly natural and will balance as you mature. Allow yourself that - you can't help it and most teenagers will experience it.
Second, you are smoking pot - completely understandable as you try to escape the pain of what you are feeling - but at your age a person reacts emotively rather than logically, using the amygdala part of the brain rather than the frontal lobe as this area is not yet fully developed. It makes the effect of drugs a more formative and different experience at your age than that of an adult. Further, the use, particularly overuse, of cannabis in the teen years can be a gateway to psychosis as an adult. Given the presence of bi-polar disorder in your family, the odds of a detrimental long term effect is magnified.
Third, you have two parents who are alcoholics. I'm wondering what part - if any - depression plays in that addiction. It is also a general idea that there may be a genetic component in alcoholism - that the child of alcoholics have a higher risk of becoming alcoholics that a child with one or zero parents who are alcoholic. It would not be too great a leap to consider that your marijuana use might enhance the risk of other drug use/abuse throughout life - an addictive personality it's called (I know because i am one.)
The fourth point is your reluctance to seek help through the doc or counselling. What you are being told about those seeking help being weak, seeking attention or just plain ungrateful is dangerously wrong. The medical profession recognise the importance of services to help those in depressive states, mental illness, and/or survivors of trauma who need a serious and structured helping hand to assist them in dealing with mental health issues. Given the history you have described - physical violence, sexual violence and high risk addiction in the family unit, I would suggest that these health services were made just for you. The first step is the toughest, and it takes courage to make it. If there is a counsellor at school, I strongly urge you to approach them and tell your story. Your concern about what the law might do is understandable - you are bringing dysfunction to light, and that will change things.
The fifth point to make is that though there are cultural norms regarding aspects of mental health, and that being black in racist, dismissive and unfair society is not at all easy (not all whites think that way), no matter what race, creed, sexuality, or other, mental health issues are important for all of us. You are young and there is help out there if you seek it. It will help you learn about yourself, how to cope with triggers and situations, allow you to unburden yourself in a safe, non-judgmental environment, and will give you a solid foundation on which to build the rest of your life. Look into it. Take it a step at a time. People will be there to support you - and that is one of the major things you need at this time.