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I go through so many moods of emptiness a day, Idk how I use to feel anything and when I do in recent times. I look back and just question it. When I get tired my mind feels almost reset. I quickly lose my train of thought and can't recall that thought. It seems as nothing gives me pleasure, not even self pleasure to say in clean terms. My mind is blank pretty much all day. Im oblivious to new memories, for example I just got done playing smash bros with two buddies. I was completely zoned out, I wasnt even picking up on the characters names and just button mashed to look like I was actually playing. My mind is random. When im at work I bounce from thought to thought or make up unrealistic scenes like conversating with people or getting back with my ex, which has completely blocked anyway of us talking. I can't even fake emotions. I've lost over ten pounds of weight and smoke cigarettes as something to do. And because I can basic function like do chores or go along with the conversation my family considers me normal. My brother gets annoyed when I speak of my problems and says im an exaggerater. My mom is slower mentally than most so she isn't helpful. I had to set up my counselor appointment and pretty much the same now with a psychiatrist. I can't imagine my future and barely my past. I dont recall much of my childhood. Im trapped in my mind. Im just going through feeling like im getting nowhere. I feel completed stupid because even medically diagnosed mh kids have more to offer, even a 8 year old can offer a better conversation or company. Im quiet from this, and through out life people avoid me and just take me as the quiet type. But honestly its because im stupid to pretty much everything from sports to basic hobbies.
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