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Im in complete shock and am so lost..

Posted , 6 users are following.

heatherLynne
heatherLynne

I  was so careful my whole life...."your obsession with your vagina and cleanliness is alarming heather" is what my ORGAN said to me at my last PAP...obviously it was all for naught!! I just found out that I have HSV-2  3 days ago. I  was in an extremely emotional. ..physical...sexually abusive marriage for 3 years...I found a way out and have spent the last 3 years since I  left terrified that my ex husband would find me and hurt me. HOW FREAKING CRUEL CAN LIFE BE? I  Almost lost my life leaving him. I  was homeless with  my kids for a year...I worked my butt off for 2 years to move myself and our 2 kids away from  Hawaii to Kentucky. I  realized the dream of a new life..bought a house..got a dog and just when I  thought I  was finally  safe to breath WHAM!!!!  THE SOB got me one last time and gifted me with Herpes...I feel lost..in full denial...bitter and diseased. I  have been crying non stop for 3 days...why? is all I  can  manage to say...Why? I fought so hard to free myself of that monster and just when I  am about to do my victory dance Life slaps me lower than I have ever been. I have a 2 yr old daughter and  a 4 yr old son. I  am  having my first outbreak...spent the last week in thd hospital been home 2 days now. I  also have LUPUS a nasty auto immune deficiency disorder which makes my OB worse hence being hospitalized. 

While my kids were bathing tonight my daughter stands up and says to my son.." I have an owie. like mommy on my vagina"

this is my life now...

I  swear to god  if it wasn't for my babies I would end it all and return to my father in Heaven...

things are never alright...not for me...they never  will be 

A part of me died that day the Dr said.." it's positive for hsv-2" 

my ex husband told me on our last day of court.." noone will ever love you...or want you" I  guess he was right. All I know is life will never be the same and I will  never lose this deep hurt that has taken my soul and dragged me to  hell.

I  am  glad I found this site....it helps to know I am  not  alone 

0 likes, 17 replies

17 Replies

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  • feelbroken
    feelbroken heatherLynne

    Posted

    Listen heatherlynne, I know this seems like the end of the world, I was the same way in July when I got it.  I had been deeply depressed, been through hell the last few yrs, was finally getting a tiny back on track, had surgeries and other health issues, had been celibate for over two yrs and then I make one bad decision in July and now I have this for life. I too bad a rare and bad reaction to it. What I didn't know then, but know now after being diagnosed a month ago, but suspected; I have Sjogrens and fibromylgia and am young. I had the worst neuropathy you coukd imagine and had to go to the ER. I was running on a treadmill last week and I started getting this deep searing pain behind my nipples alell the way to my back.. Like a straight line.. Same pain like fire ants biting me, like during my first ob.. It eventually stopped when I fi ished working put after awhile, but I suspect hsv2 has to do w it.

    I promise you, this will get better. I was so sick and laid up in bed for 3 weeks. I work from him and couldn't even sit up and work. Had to take over a week off. I still have pins and needles feelings for brief moments at my tailbone and sometimes on my butt cheek.. I know this is the virus moving around or wanting to go active. I've suspected that my autoimmune diseases made this worse. Listen, I promise you will come to terms w it. I promise that you that a time will come where it doesn't consume your every thought. I promise you, a point will come where you're like this is OK.. It's no it that big of a deal anymore and does not define me. I remember I was a recluse for like two months, cause I felt like I would blurt it out every time I spoke w someone. I felt like this liar and if they only knew my dirty secret.. Now I find I go out, have a good time and don't even remember. I do have to take daily suppressive therapy and lysine. I've had an ob every month cause of going out drinking late and forgetting my pill. However, they don't hurt, heal fast and don't make me sick like the first time. It is normal to feel the way you do, especially when you're suffering through the first ob, which can make you so sick. It's normal to feel like it will never get better, bit it does. If someone like me who struggles w depression, who can barely handle day to day life tasks can get to where I am now, I promise you can as well. I know this sounds strange and I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but it's changed something in me and for the better. It really has. I now feel like I deserve so much better from people in general and especially from men. I've picked bad men and ones who don't respect me, but this has changed me. It is forcing me to have boundaries w people and w my new found dating (I used to over share in an effort to self sabotage potential relationships), I found that I'm not doing that anymore. I know it sounds strange and its hard to articulate, but there was just a shift in me. 

    I'm always here to speak, so just private msg me if you need to. Hang in there, it gets better. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

    • heatherLynne
      heatherLynne feelbroken

      Posted

      Im 2 weeks into OB on aclivor...cream and  pill and it is not  healing at all...probably because of the Lupus. My immune system is  so weak as is and it can't fight the OB. I  feel scared to touch..hold or kiss my kids. I  wash the toilet with  clorox..after every use in fear of giving it to my kids. I  feel like a  disease...nasty..dirty..disgusting walking  disease. your words are so kind. ...god bless your heart I'm really glad I found  this  site 
    • feelbroken
      feelbroken heatherLynne

      Posted

      Honey, that's normal.. The meds didn't do jack for me on my first ob, but I can say they help now and I've had no pain on my other obs and only mild discomfort such as itching or wiping. I can workout, but I didn't try riding a bike w an ob and don't plan on it either.. Lol.  Trust me, I almost passed out one night applying cream when I felt that like 8 bumps popped up in like an hr. I lived w a flash light and mirror, watching the atrocity taking place on my lady bits. The itching.. Omfg the itching your first ob is as bad as the pain! It makes you want to go insane! I'm telling you, Epsom salt baths are your best friend. I lived in the bathtub my first ob for about 3 weeks.. Thank god I worked from home, I feel for anyone who had to go to work. My neuropathy was so bad though, I couldn't even sit up. I was terrified I was going to be like this forever and doctors look at you crazy and say I've never heard of hsv causing neuropathy, herpes zoster yes, but not hsv.. OK.. Well guess what? It does and thousands will attest to it online. I'm sitting in a bath right now typing this to you, cause I can feel this b*stard virus under my skin w the creepy crawly feeling on my rectum, lower butt cheeks and some places on my vagina. It wants to go active cause of my hormones.. About to start my cycle.

      Your feeling is understandable, but not necessary. I am not going to lie, that every day I am very cautious of making sure not to touch my face and wash my hands. As long as you wash your hands, no need to worry. The wiping down of the toilet seat is not necessary either, but I don't think there's anything I could say to make you stop that.

      Listen to me. You are not dirty. Do you understand me? If that's the case every single person who exists is dirty. We put such a stigma on the word herpes, but news flash.. 90% of the population is infected w at least 4 herpes groups. There are a total of 8, hsv 1& 2 a part of that 8. Chicken pox you had as as a kid? Herpes hhv3, 90% of population has. Kissing disease known as mono? Herpes 4 aka EBV. Never had mono? Neither did I. Get tested for lupus or sjogrens like you did, trust me.. They tested you for EBV and I'll bet you came up positive for an old infection, I did. 90% of population has by the time they're 40 AT LEAST, if not earlier. Hhv5, known as CMV.. Herpes.. Most of us obtained this in childhood. Hhv6 and 7? Herpes.. We all pretty much have these two as well and they've been linked to autoimmune of CNS such as MS. I believe they're the link to a lot of things we don't know yet. I got vital meningitis in my 20s.. Probably from a herpes virus. So yeah.. What everyone is so ignorant to recognize, is they're just as "dirty" as us you see? Cmv is sexually transmitted as well. 

      So we are all carrying muliples strains of herpes around, unfortunately, because we view genitals as dirty still in society, there is a stigma to it. 

      It's funny, the other day I was thinking good gawd time has flown by since I got this. Like life seemed to happen even faster after getting it, so just no that this too shall pass. 5 months ago I was you and I never thought I'd be handling it like I am now. But I do know that it was important to me since joining this forum recently, to respond to every new case and give them hope. I wanted to die too. I seriously thought about it hard.. If it weren't for my dogs, I'd done it.. Not just cause of herpes, but a myraid of others. Autoimmune diseases cause depression or make it worse. I just got started on prystiq and I was against being on meds again.. Nothing has helped and haven't been on anything for a yr n half. I've been on it like 3 weeks now and I feel a difference and I have zero side effects! Except the first day I took it . normally pmsing I have melt downs, especially since getting older and I'm sure my body being on its way yo thyroid failure as well doesn't help; alas, I'm holding up really well.. I had been having panic attacks the last 8 months when pmsing and knock on wood, so far so good!  Msg me any time. Im always here.

  • scorpio32
    scorpio32 heatherLynne

    Posted

    It awful. I was told put salt in bath. I was given this type gel in syring no cream. Tablets she said should feel better in 2 days I doubt it. Cannot walk.

    I have take strong painkillers too. 

    What other things help u cos scared to go loo. Feel like I need ice cubes. 

    • feelbroken
      feelbroken scorpio32

      Posted

      If this is your first outbreak, you are not going to feel better in two days. I didn't feel better for 3weeks and that was w taking 1000mlgs of valtrex a day during my first ob. What is causing your pain? You are very vague in your message. You need to call your doctor or find another one and get on more medication for valtrex, 10 day supply minimum for first outbreak, ask for lidicain (numbing cream), don't wear underwear, wear loose fitting clothing, take as many Epsom salt baths as possible. See if she'll presricbe you some pain medication too. It's always the worst when you first have an ob and almost just have to sick it up and know eventually it will end. 
    • heatherLynne
      heatherLynne feelbroken

      Posted

      keep in mind that everyone is different the only thing that is the same is it's with us for life. I  am in my third week and only now feel ok. not good..not normal...but not as horrible as the first 2 weeks.

      the meds my doc had me on didn't do jack for me. You can do many things besides medication. After 2 weeks of no relief I went to the local heath food store and read a book on healing herpes naturally...

      I  bought

      Vit D , C, A and E.

      st Johns wart

      and a bunch of immunit boosters.

      I'm drinking milk thistle, goldenseal, red clover, and licorice root TEAS...

      I  used cornstarch to dry out sores and LEMON BALM ON THEM...

      one week later I can say 100% all this did way more than aclyour cream and pills ever did.

      research

      instead of being the victim I am determined to beat the crap out of this herpes demon...

      most importantly realize you have 2 choices

      live well

      or

      dont...

      I  was  suicidal the first week but now I'm in warrior bitch mode....

      and you are not alone my love

  • Star1765
    Star1765 heatherLynne

    Posted

    Hi!  My daughter (19)  just found out yesterday about having herpes... She is sooo devasted !  She is a college student in hopes of going to Med school but now she feels lost, dirty and depressed... She is having lots of anxiety !  I wish I could comfort her, but nothing seems to work... I did confess to her I went  thru exactly the same thing and I  fine!!!  She says no man will ever want to touch her!!  She is a very smart loving beautiful young lady who unfortunately contracted this...I wish I new how to help her
    • feelbroken
      feelbroken Star1765

      Posted

      Star1765, I wish there was something you can do, but it really is something she will have to come to a conclusion on her own. I still have moments of feeling dirty and nobody will want me. I'm dating this amazing man who is like a dream come true and he made a comment tonight along the lines on regards to the person I last slept w didn't give me any STDs.. I felt so crushed when be said that. I've already suspected he would not accept this, but that just validated it. So how I'm trying to figure I it I'd I just save myself the humiliation and break things odd or tell him at some point.. I just don't know when that is. Anyway... Point being, my GDS who have it said they don't really experience much rejection from men.  I'm really sorry she's going through this, I know how hard it is. So you have herpes as well?  Don't worry,.. We all come around and get out of our depression from it. Heatherlynn is like a different person now vs a month ago when she first came to the site. Hang in there
    • Star1765
      Star1765 feelbroken

      Posted

      Yes I do,  I contracted it after my divorce from my first husband from my brothers best friend.   I never spoke about it, be size I was so afrId of being judged!  During my breakdown time I met my now husband... I really wasnt looking for a relationship,  just someone to About my fears.., I opened up to him one night on the phone and told him everything & that I know I don't deserve anyone etc...( my daughter was 2 at the 

      time)  to make a long story short my husband loved me no matter what!  My herpes bothered me more then him!  We have 2 biogical children and my oldest who he adopted.  I have t had an outbreak in a few years,  sometimes I feel a sensation, but it passes... I haven't filled meds I'm a few years... I have been married 25 years my husband has not contracted them.  Knock on wood!! I have a great life and I. A way I have to think if I didn't contract  herpes,  I may have never ended up with my husband!  He became my Best friend and I feel in love with him!! Did I mention he is also so handsome!!  So things do work put...  It takes one day at a time!  My daughter is on an emotional roller coaster right now .., not sleeping or eating.   I rember the feeling!!!   My heart is broken for her!  She thinks no one will talk to her,  I told her no one needs to know!!!  She is all over the place

    • heatherLynne
      heatherLynne Star1765

      Posted

      just be there for her even if you feel your not helping you are. I  found out 3 weeks ago and I d give anything to have my mom she died 3 years ago. Just love her and be there. ..
    • Star1765
      Star1765 heatherLynne

      Posted

      So sorry heather!sad

      And thank you.. She is talking now and just wants the pain to up away so she can move on... She only has 2 weeks of break left befor she goes back to college.  She wants to be with her highschool friends for New Years @ also asked if we can go to NYC for the day!!!  That's a good sign!  She started the meds (famciclover 500mg 2x a day) on Saturday... They also gave her flucomizole 15g incase it's a yeast infection,..I gave her apostate 1 suppository Xmas eve with started this whole swelling , pain and blisters!  I left 2 messages with our gyn for her results and to ask if there is anything else for pain besides the percs!  They haven't really helped either!!  Constant burning!

    • Star1765
      Star1765

      Posted

      *monistate 1..... My iPhone likes to type it's own words'
    • feelbroken
      feelbroken Star1765

      Posted

      I'm thinking of ending things w the guy I'm dating. His biggest concerns are health stuff. He's freaked that I'm on my way to thyroid failure, like that means I'm gonna blow up and one day he'll have to take care of my aliments. So between that and the comment he mad last night about STDs, it's like I'm setting myself up for failure if I go through w this. I'm asking for rejection.. He's like the greatest catch ever.. I can't even believe a guy like him exists and it's all ruined because of some jerk who lied, cause all he cared about what getting his rocks off. 

      She'll come around when the pain subsides... That's normal for all of us. We think it's going to stay like this and hurt firvwer when you have your first ob.

      I'm really happy to hear your own story and your own story is the beat advice you coukd ever give her. You don't need advice from us newly disgnosed, you are the one supposed to give us advice and your daughter! =D

    • feelbroken
      feelbroken Star1765

      Posted

      Oh and regarding pain, narcotics will do nothing for the pain. It's nerve pain and the only thing that helps that is nerve pain medication, which I had to take for my first ob due to neuropathy I had. Have her take as many hot baths as possible w Epsom salt. Tea tree oil is supposed to provide some relief on the sores.  But just a tiny dab
  • scorpio32
    scorpio32 heatherLynne

    Posted

    How are you? I am going through mixed emotions. I am positive found out thursday. I have spoken to someone who got this and hearing other peoples experiences helps. Positive singles a great site. Last year was crazy and was reckless so I guess this a wake up call. I have spoke to a guy whom shared his friends experience. That helped and tbh there are some really nice guys out there. If u feel like u cannot date a guy without just go on that site meet someone with it. Crazy but someone said they don't date people without herpes. I was told excercise and eat healthy. I feel life too short but as I said feel mixed on this. I have cried because the guy who meant to be my bf turned his back on me. I do feel like I am different and won't be the same.

    I don't feel like family need to know. May need to tell my mum. But not anyone else.

    It is crazy this journey I am on. Thought being raped was hard, stillbirth but this well I am thrown. With health it worse.

    Not saying other was not hard but really knocked me for 6.I know I will be happy one day again. I just think we need think we could have worse. My friend being tested for cancer. This not a great thing to have still feeling sore thought I was healing but still early I guess.

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