im inside out

Good morning Shadow

No you are not alone in your feelings. Thousands of people suffer from this terrible illness.

Have you been to see anyone or are you seeing anyone about your depression? Are you taking any medication for it?

When I went off work sick some weeks ago and the news finally got around at work as to why I am off, I received more text and emails than I care to remember. Most of them saying they coldn't believe it. To them I would be the last person to suffer mental illness. They commented on how strong my character and personailty are. How I have always been there to help others etc etc.

I too can hide my feelings extremely well. I think this is something we learn to do in our plight to fight depression - a coping strategy. nfortunately, eventually we are drained more and more of that strength and then we snap! Like a champagne bottle being given a little shake from time to time - then the explosion as the fizzy liquid can no longer be held back by the cork.

If you haven't yet done so, go and see your GP. Depression IS an illness just like any other illness ... colds, flu, asthma, arthritis, cancer etc.

Once you have sought some professional help, you will then be able to start asking yourself what brought it on, when did I start feeling like this, many of your questions will probably remain unanswered - they may not - but the main thing to remember is you are not alone with this illness, and you can receive help and treatment.

Keep posting here too, you will be surprised how much it helps. It's like downloading all your deep inner thoughts - releasing them from a trapped mind.

Stay strong Shadow, go and see your GP and continue posting here.

hugs 'n' best wishes

Melbi x

Thank u so much 4 takin the time 2 reply, i am seeing my gp every2 weeks and a phyc every 2 weeks and have been treated 4 depression 4 the last 3 years (am on 200mg sirtraline at the momment) but if im honest have been suffering 4 the last 12 years and never said anything 2 any1 kept it 2 myself using excusses 2 hide wot been happening and stillam with some things just not no how 2 say things and not understand wot goin on. Got so much inside not able let it out am terrified wot will happen. Feel like a fraud seem ok on the outside but in turmoil onthe inside and not no or feel safe 2 let it out. Things have built up so quick and got me down, not made it through a month this year yet without havin 2 bury a member of my family and its 2nd aniversarry of my best friends death on monday and i not grieved 4 any of them i want 2 but inside not let me feel lke 2 different people and i not blong 2 me sorry 4 goin on have 2 go startin 2 sound like im totaly goin mad

Shadow, no way are you a fraud but I totally understand where you are coming from. You bottle stuff up because you just can't bear to let it out.

Like Melbi, I've always been good at hiding my feelings. Putting on a face for the outside world. An armour. Seem OK on the outside but inside hurting and struggling and (in my case) furious with myself. Like you say, if people could see inside........!

In truth, I'm poor with emotional stuff. Always have been. I have, however, found counselling to be a help to me through this. Your GP can suggest recommended counsellors in your area and refer you. It has helped me to talk to a professional and just let out the stuff inside. It may work for you.

There are no easy answers I'm afraid, but know that you are not alone. There are people who can help and using this forum has also been a release and a support for many. Myself included.

Best regards.

[quote:e9212fd8bc=\"shadow\"]Thank u so much 4 takin the time 2 reply, i am seeing my gp every2 weeks and a phyc every 2 weeks and have been treated 4 depression 4 the last 3 years (am on 200mg sirtraline at the momment) but if im honest have been suffering 4 the last 12 years and never said anything 2 any1 kept it 2 myself using excusses 2 hide wot been happening and stillam with some things just not no how 2 say things and not understand wot goin on. Got so much inside not able let it out am terrified wot will happen. Feel like a fraud seem ok on the outside but in turmoil onthe inside and not no or feel safe 2 let it out. Things have built up so quick and got me down, not made it through a month this year yet without havin 2 bury a member of my family and its 2nd aniversarry of my best friends death on monday and i not grieved 4 any of them i want 2 but inside not let me feel lke 2 different people and i not blong 2 me sorry 4 goin on have 2 go startin 2 sound like im totaly goin mad[/quote:e9212fd8bc]

Hi There Shadow

Have you tried writing it all down and passing it onto your GP and Pyschologist. I find that the easiset way for me.

CBT sessions that I am receiving at the moment are all quite aimed as writing things down before the session, during the session and after the session. He then gets to see what I have written withiout me having to try and explain my feelings.

Give it a go.

Good luck

Love 'n' Hugs Melbi xxx

hi. chin up my friend. i think everyone has felt they totally mad occasionally with this illness. know wot you mean about not being able to let things out. do you think its cos its gonna be too painful. have been offered counselling myself but up to now have declined the offer. don't want to go and talk about sh*t that i know is gonna upset me. i know how i feel in this depression but still dont fully understand it. is it that our emotions have closed down on us. that some terrible trauma in our lives has taken it away from us. now i waffling on. but i just dont fully understand it, i just know how sh*t it all is. keep smiling.

Exactley that is y i dondt do talkin im terrified of wot will happend loosin control shoin feelings and emotions and not been able 2 handle it and no 1 there 2 support me. I do tend 2 bottle things up 1 of my biggest down falls and i hate myself 4 it. I c myself as weak and not worthy if i show them and tell people how i realy feel fear of them lockin me up. Iv been seein a counssoler 4 the last 3 years yes it can b painfull but i tend 2 change the subject when it does not always a good idea but they let u take the lead and talk about wot and when u like sometimes good sometimes bad but it helps 2 talk 2 some1. I have now been refered 2 a psychologist and have got my first appointment next week i am terrified. My counssoler has warned me it will b hard and painful they go deeper into the issues and not let u avoid it so easy. I have thoughts is it worth draggin up the past and puttin myself through it all again or will it help. A little confussed at the moment and nervous , sorry 2 go on if any 1 has any experience or advice would b good 2 hear of them