Im really struggling with my thoughts need some reassurance

Keep in mind, I'm not a professional but I do speak from personal experience. When I was around 17, I'm 23 now, I had the exact same problem. I couldn't control my thoughts, random ones would pop in my head of horrible things. I felt so bad and ashamed but researching it I think its a mental disorder called "intrusive thoughts" and is a form of OCD. So you're not crazy or a bad person! What helped me was talking to my mom about it so maybe you could do the same? Or even seek help from a doctor. For me, after awhile, it stopped bothering me as much which in turn caused the thoughts to be a lot less frequent, every once and awhile one will upset me a little but not like it use to, so hang in there! You'll be ok! You're not a bad person!

My life was very brutal in the past and I could not understand why this was happening as my position at work was a responsable position and I was very careful not to cause any errors. 

My main problem I was slow and was suffering a great deal of pain, The people saw my condition as a weakness and would know to treat me as such because I could not protect myself. This all seemed to set me off and in some ways would not wish anyone well. and I became awkward, and resentful.

On of the jobs I could not do was lift heavy weights because of my condition and my Employer had bent to that and classified me as disabled so they had to send other people out to do any work that involved that activity, eventually the whole staff balked and that was the beginning of my Retirement.

For over nine months they baited me and I would finish work like I had stepped through a doorway into another place. Until eventually I was retired and a great deal of worry lifted of my shoulders, although by that time I had lost all feelings toward my colleques and just waited to get my pension.

What I am saying is look towards the job and ask yourself if the work is suitable for you especially if people are using your disability against you. I wished I had done that and then moved on. When they retired me of I was unable to work again and my life was taken over with Voluntary work, something I enjoyed and would hav e loved to do it as a Payed person.

I made a big error of working in a job for thirty years that I really hated.

You are not a bad person. You are batteling against a disorder. You are aware. That is a healthy beginning to healing.

Seek therapy and ways to bring yourself To a better place within. Love yourself as is and just begin to work on ways to manage the disorder. That is the best thing you can do to help yourself work through all this.

Oh Rachel I know exactly how you feel.

I was just like that last month. I was sitting at work feeling happy and ever so closer to God and then boom! This really horrible thought popped out of nowhere into my brain and send me into a frenzy. I was having an anxiety. I felt like God is furious with me(im very religious) and that everybody will leave me. I felt like I'm just going keep going down until I vanish, that nothing can help me make me feel better and make the thought go away. I would wake up shaking and scared and almost couldn't go to work. I almost quit my job.

Anyways, I saw my doc, told him I have anxiety and he prescribe me something that made me depressed. And I mean deep depression. So i stopped the med.

In the mean time k had lost 10lbs in one week! My boss noticed it, and because she is such a wonderful boss, pulled me aside and asked if my weight loss is work related so she can help with my loads. But untold her it's not. She even made a very good advice, to talk it out, talk to someone of what's bothering me and if it's a person that triggered it to talk to that person. Ofcourse, it's not a person, but I did talk to my mom. It helped lift some of the weight but it was talking to our member from church that really got be out of that fearful thought. They reminded me how good a person I am and that God loves me no matter what that thought was, because it's just that, a mere thought. It doesn't define me.

I'm sorry that my story is kind of long, it's just that I wouldn't explain well what I want to say without writing out my story.

I know you can get better.

Correct your thought and try to erase whatever those bad thoughts were. I know it might not be easy and it may come back again, but you have to believe that it's just a thought, it does not define you.

Get well!

I suffer from the same thing and it's debilitating. It's really difficult when you have to fight every single day to convince yourself this is not who you are. Don't ever keep it to yourself, share with others. Life can be great for us again...I hope.