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I just joined this site after finding it in a google search for "I'm such a nice guy, i cant ever find anyone to fully appreciate me for me, I cant keep a job, I have add and i'm overly distractable and love people who cant show it back"
this is going to be long
I'm 45, 9 months ago I ended a 28 year relationship that started when i was 18. He was 10 years older than me, he said he loved me, but i really dont think he did. ya know what Thats irrelevant now i'll just talk about what i'm feeling now.
I just got laid off again, I got laid off last march, got a temp to hire position and after the contract was to go to full time, they terminated it without cause and the agency said it was prob because they didnt want to hire anyone and have to pay more.... they had nothing but good reviews for me.
I'm a nice guy, thats what everyone tells me. I'm one of those people that when i start a new job, i'm easily approachable and likeable. I wont lie, I like people to like me, I'm a people person and i like to please people. I know it sounds odd but making others happy makes me happy and feel good. LIke with my ex. I did so much and changed so much of me, to keep th erelationship stable all those years, that I got to the point one day where it was enough. I couldnt change anymore, I couldnt not be me anymore but even through months of therapy he still blamed me for everything and said I needed to change more, I was too high energy, caused him anxiet, caused him stress, Didnt hold one career for the term of our relationship so didnt make him feel secure. It was always about security & money, I always got told "you're so creative you could have such a good job, make so much money, be in a better position.... all the time.
I didnt get any intamacy - sure on the rare occasion, we had sex, but it was never fufilling for me becuase it wasnt ever emotional for him. I know i'm passionate
i know i'm excitable, I know that i can be very airheaded or free spirited, I get bored super easy, I hate being alone, not because I cant find anything to do but because I thrive around people.
I feel worthless, I'm 45 have no job, have to look for a job yet again, have NO saftey net, have had so many different types of jobs and sent out hundreds of resumes and have heard nothing but denials back. I'm not good at organizing mundane tasks like paying bills and putting the toilet seat up, It annoys people that I like to talk alot or that I like to i'll talk about anything that comes into my mind which changes every 10 minutes. I've gone to therapy and they say the same old thing, make list, try reminders, try meditating, I have and no matter what It just seems to not work at all.
I feel trapped, trapped in my mind, I have no way out, I have no idea how to fix it even though I can easily identify all the things that are wrong with me, but despite all that I have not figured out how to conquer it. I have my moments where I feel ok, but they pass quickly and then i go right back to being sad, so sad that I cant even explain it. I dont wan to kill myself, I just dont want to exist anymore, I dont know how to do anything I want, I cant seem to get a grasp on being alone, being an adult or being me, because me is not happy on my own. And I just dont know what to do. I really dont.
I always feel like i have to change myself to make people able to deal with me, because when i'm myself, they call me overemotional or weird or otherwise retarded. Its just very frustrating. I just feel like giving up.
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