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im so close to giving up

Posted , 6 users are following.

VaughnH
VaughnH

I just joined this site after finding it in a google search for "I'm such a nice guy, i cant ever find anyone to fully appreciate me for me, I cant keep a job, I have add and i'm overly distractable and love people who cant show it back"

this is going to be long

I'm 45, 9 months ago I ended a 28 year relationship that started when i was 18. He was 10 years older than me, he said he loved me, but i really dont think he did. ya know what Thats irrelevant now i'll just talk about what i'm feeling now.

I just got laid off again, I got laid off last march, got a temp to hire position and after the contract was to go to full time, they terminated it without cause and the agency said it was prob because they didnt want to hire anyone and have to pay more.... they had nothing but good reviews for me.

I'm a nice guy, thats what everyone tells me. I'm one of those people that when i start a new job, i'm easily approachable and likeable. I wont lie, I like people to like me, I'm a people person and i like to please people. I know it sounds odd but making others happy makes me happy and feel good. LIke with my ex. I did so much and changed so much of me, to keep th erelationship stable all those years, that I got to the point one day where it was enough. I couldnt change anymore, I couldnt not be me anymore but even through months of therapy he still blamed me for everything and said I needed to change more, I was too high energy, caused him anxiet, caused him stress, Didnt hold one career for the term of our relationship so didnt make him feel secure. It was always about security & money, I always got told "you're so creative you could have such a good job, make so much money, be in a better position.... all the time. 

I didnt get any intamacy - sure on the rare occasion, we had sex, but it was never fufilling for me becuase it wasnt ever emotional for him. I know i'm passionate

i know i'm excitable, I know that i can be very airheaded or free spirited, I get bored super easy, I hate being alone, not because I cant find anything to do but because I thrive around people. 

I feel worthless, I'm 45 have no job, have to look for a job yet again, have NO saftey net, have had so many different types of jobs and sent out hundreds of resumes and have heard nothing but denials back. I'm not good at organizing mundane tasks like paying bills and putting the toilet seat up, It annoys people that I like to talk alot or that I like to i'll talk about anything that comes into my mind which changes every 10 minutes. I've gone to therapy and they say the same old thing, make list, try reminders, try meditating, I have and no matter what It just seems to not work at all.

I feel trapped, trapped in my mind, I have no way out, I have no idea how to fix it even though I can easily identify all the things that are wrong with me, but despite all that I have not figured out how to conquer it. I have my moments where I feel ok, but they pass quickly and then i go right back to being sad, so sad that I cant even explain it. I dont wan to kill myself, I just dont want to exist anymore, I dont know how to do anything I want, I cant seem to get a grasp on being alone, being an adult or being me, because me is not happy on my own. And I just dont know what to do. I really dont.

I always feel like i have to change myself to make people able to deal with me, because when i'm myself, they call me overemotional or weird or otherwise retarded. Its just very frustrating. I just feel like giving up.

2 likes, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • borderriever
    borderriever VaughnH

    Posted

    You condition will I suppose will make you very much easy minded and you will expect people to accept your straightforwars, uncomplicated nature, some times you may be needful and have problems understanding people who you will take literaly

    You now need to talk to your Doctor and explain what has happened and now you will have problems meeting your needs and need some help until you can begin to start your new life in a different direction.

    You may need help and training to look for a new job if that is what you want.

    Get the help you need, remember you can be as bright as a button

    BOB

  • amanda35274
    amanda35274 VaughnH

    Posted

    Wow how very like me some bits of u sound xxx im forever changing myself for everyone elses happiness. Then again i always have, a coping mechanism to survive my chidhood i guess. Xx u can try courses maybe something totally different start anew. And if ur a people person look for people more like u. Who u can share your life with without losing too much of yourself. Nothing i said will be easy im sure but you said u want to live u have the will to go on. Which is half the battle for ppl like us xx i wish u lots of luck & happiness ;0). Xx

  • wayne1962
    wayne1962 VaughnH

    Posted

    Hi Vaughn - sorry to read of your situation. Ending a 28 year relationship leaves a huge mountain to climb, reassessing your life, finding who you are as a single being, dealing with the memories, and deciding on a new path. One of the problems here is that you have always striven to be what someone else wants and percieve that they will not accept you for who you really are. I wonder if that is why you are feeling so messy now. Also, you have mentioned that you have gone to therapy, but have you seen a doctor? A psychatrist? A psychologist? Have you been on meds at all? It sounds like your issues could be managed with the help of the above mentioned, although I think a foundational element is you accepting who you are, that you don't have to change to please others, that this situation you find yourself in is an opportunaity to understand yourself and create a new life. Another challenge is being comfortable being alone with yourself. It sounds like you need constant distraction to avoid doing just that.

    The first step is to make an appointment with the doctor. Describe what is going on with you. State that you seriously need help, and keep yourself open to being helped. You have had one stress after another piled up on you - demise of a long term relationship, loss of a job, dealing with life as a single person. Make use of the resources that are there to help you - you will feel better for it, you won't feel so alone, and you will learn about yourself in the process. Best of luck to you and we are lawys here to listen. 

  • amanda35274
    amanda35274 VaughnH

    Posted

    Indeed we are here to listen as wayne said xx try & make an appt first of all. Explain how low ur feeling xxx let us know how u go, mandy xx

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