Im so messed up!

im waking every morning with morning depression it is killing me.

i was on Lexapro for a year which worked well for a little while but stopped, 4 weeks ago i started Zoloft 50mg and 1 week ago the GP up'd my dose to 100mg.

i dont know whether its the medication or the situation i am living right now.

im 31 this December, i fell pregnant in 2016 with a beautiful baby boy. 4 months before giving birth my mother 42 was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. Before i fell pregnant, for 7 years i was an Alcoholic and became sober the day i found i was pregnant. The day i gave birth and onwards i was a single mother, i had my mothers support and my families. My mother battled cancer until April 11th 2021.

i was by her side for everything, treatments, i was with her everyday while she was in her home, i stayed overnight with her in Palliative and brought her home to die. She loss the use of her legs and became bed ridden. She was home with me for 14 days and i fed her, cleaned her diapers, showered her. Spent all my time right there next to her. Until i watched her take her last breathe.

I also had lost my Father to a stroke aged 20 i and i watched him be turned off life support, his organs harvested and then seen him hours later laying in a bed wrapped up in bandages from where he had been harvested. This is what had been the beginning of my alcoholism which continued for many years. Since i became sober ive been a very over all positive person, ive continued to study 3 certificates and will be finishing up in the next month to become a support worker towards Palliative care patients.

Recently my mothers parents (my grandparents) who i have also seen near everyday of my life has recently moved into my family home with me and my son, so they can save a little money towards saving for a house. But only in the last 2 weeks had my Nan been diagnosed with cancer in the abdomen and this Wednesday we are getting the results from the biopsy to see where the cancer is at. Its only been a year and a bit since my mum died, her poor mother my Nan who watched her daughter go through cancer is now going to go through the same thing. i am stuck here at home during this lockdown, i love my grandparents very much and am giving all my support and emotion.

i do have 2 younger sisters, 27 and 28.

27- has OCD, Psychosis and is a heavy Marijuana user.

28- is a severe alcoholic with FND a disorder that is psychological but mimics all the symptoms of MS which isnt damaging to her body but she has severe vocal and movement ticks and seizures.

They have kind of just left myself and my grandparents alone in this situation right now and would rather drink/get high and forget about whats going on.

I feel i am all alone. Im just trying to raise my son right, with all the love in the world.

Im trying my damn hardest to get up in the mornings.

Im on a waiting list for Therapy as lockdown/Covid has affected the worlds mental health.

All i would love to hear back in a reply is anyone state they made it through.

thankyou very much 😃

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