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In a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder - need some advice

Posted , 2 users are following.

ccass
ccass

I have been with a girl (on and off) for the past 3 years - she is an old friend ive known for over 10 years and we get on like a house on fire as friends - really strong connection, same sense of humour - great. We have recently found out that she has borderline personality disorder after her being diagnosed, and she is starting to undergo BDT to help her deal with it.

While as friends our relationship is near perfect, we are much more than friends and as a couple it is the classic turbulent rollercoaster of being with someone who has BPD - there's alot of insecurity, jealousy, anger, her saying or doing things to push me away and then saying she didnt mean it the next day. We moved in together but then broke up and moved out - we've been on and off about 7 times in the 3 year because I just keep hitting points where i cant/dont want to battle with her anymore, but then I take some time and calm down and re-think of ways to better deal with her outbursts and want to try again.

I now live on my own and she lives back at her mothers but we are still involved and still both want to try and make it work, realising recently after diagnosis that her erratic and sometimes pure nasty comments and behaviour are actually because of the BPD and not because she is an evil witch as I had previously assumed.

What brings me to this forum today though is probably more to do with my own brain and i'll post this thread in the OCD section too - it's the doubting her and what she says and does constantly now. I myself have some level of OCD and my own issues or doubting and needing some level of reassurance take a battering from my partners totally unpredictable behaviour and her withdrawing, her saying one thing but acting another way - it's all very confusing.

I love the girl, and she tells me she loves me ... and at times I have felt as if she does hugely - but when she turns around and tells me she loves her ex still, a day or 2 after we are talking about moving back in together after Christmas, all my brain presents to me is this doubt as to which version of her is telling the truth. It's hard for me to deal with my own thought processes and to deal with hers too, but for the minute until she can start managing her own thoughts and behaviour better, I have to deal with it all. I also after having read alot about BPD am questioning whether or not her feelings of love toward me are genuine or whether they are because of infatuation or fear of abandonment. There has been many many intense moments with her, both good and bad, but there has also been steadier periods where things were calm and because of this i do feel like these moments are where her true feelings lay and not in these high-intensity moments .

I know this is a medical forum and not a relationship advice forum but Im just looking for anyones advice to help me wrap my brain around how to deal with this .. I know i need to just not doubt, but its hard to not doubt without having a pearl of wisdom to keep in mind that can counteract my doubts when she's being so push-pull with me.

So i suppose in summary im asking, how can I know actually she loves me and isnt just infatuated or emotionally clinging onto me? Right now in my mind I cant tell what she says or the way she behaves is true because it is so allover the place, one minute her being intense, the next distant, the next telling me she wants to really take serious forward steps again, the next telling me she doesnt want to be with me anymore and still loves her ex, the next saying she didnt mean that but were not right for eachother, the next saying she does want to try again ... etc.. etc.. etc...

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply - Loves hard enough to figure out sometimes, throw all this in the mix and wow, what a cafuffle.

2 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • jay_babes
    jay_babes ccass

    Posted

    Hi ccass do not worry you are not alone my other half is with me and i have more problems then you can shake a leg at, i too have this but i have been with my partner over 24yrs so there is hope, i an not saying it is not hard, but if you love and understand one another it can be worth it,but your girlfriend has to help herself , medication, counselling,is brilliant , i am on that now, i have bad s and good days, but you can have that in a normal relationship , it is hard work and it will do your head in, but if you want this to work for the long hull you have to remember she is not well when she says these things about other people, if she truly loves you , you will know, you will have to be strong for both of you, and have a great sense of humour too, that is what has got us this far, hope this helps
    • ccass
      ccass jay_babes

      Posted

      Thank you Jay - Just what I was looking for.

      Sometimes you just need someone to say it I think - i do know deep down she loves me, it's just very hard sometimes to believe and see that deep down when theres so much chew and chaos on the surface.

      I suppose that even though it's a tough ride, it's good and effective brain training for me and my own insecurities in a way too. Gives me a thicker skin in a sense.

      Thanks for taking the time to reply! Hope you're well.

  • jay_babes
    jay_babes ccass

    Posted

    HI ccass your welcome it is nice to know your not on your own, , i hope you do both get the help you need, i want you to have a happy life, it is tough in a normal relationship, but to be honest no relationship is normal lol, its tough getting to know each others fur balls, so yes its harder when your not sure if she is telling you what you do not want to hear, so remember why you feel in love with her,still makes plans, make fun days, i struggle a lot but my counsellor is great and i am much stronger than i was 6 weeks ago, and i am getting stronger every day thank you for asking,you take care and your girl
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