In a very unhappy and tired place

My sister stopped talking to me when we told her I was pregnant. She has basically ignored us and my daughter for nearly three years. She has now changed her mind and wants to be part of our lives, I don't know how I feel and it feels like I don't have control.

Hello Lottie73858, I'm so very sorry to hear that you are feeling very unhappy - I really believe the good thing is you've acknowledged it and that is always the first step to getting better.

I would really like to help you as much as I could with the whatever I know, however you don't give enough information so perhaps if you would, I can return and be of some assistance.

What I would suggest is to see your physician before all else - and you have already done that.  In this case I would hope that he/she would run various tests to rule out physical causes (request a full thyroid workup, have them check your hemoglobin...). If everything is fine physically, then there are many of options that will help you get better.  

Since I am a nutritionist and medical exercise specialist, I will most certainly recommend exercise, however - I am a very strong believer that if one is suffering from any form of depression, it take tremendous amounts of energy to even attempt taking a walk over to a gym and the reality is that this has continued for a longer period and so it is time to investigate the reason why.

Please feel free to ask me any questions and I will do what I can to be of help to you.  

Stay strong and keep the faith - I know it may seem like you will never come out of this but with proper medical guidance, you will be on the road to recovery

Hugs, H.

My sister has been the turning point. I don't understand how she can shut me out but now on her terms let me in with no retribution. I'm just feeling lots of emotions from the last few years, happiness, sadness, anger, disbelief and it feels hard to trust. It will only get resolved with talking.  I'm not happy about how my body changed. When I said to hubby I was pregnant, my next words were you f@@@ing well did it. I guess I thought it wouldn't happen and haven't dealt with it still, partly because I knew it would upset my sister

It's a long story, well maybe not. Hubby had a reversal, we played Russian roulette, he was delighted when I fell pregnant, I wasn't quite so sure. I hated being pregnant and never really accepted it, I lost 29 lbs when baby was born in a week, she was 8lbs (hence the body issues). When we told sister the news of pregnancy, we may not have done it in the best way, but then there was never goin to be a right way as she can't have children. She screwed up her relationship with a guy that would pay for ivf. She was homeless and I put a roof over her head, she went out then with a guy that beat her up, and hubby went to court with her, now she is with a 50 something year old who definitely doesn't want children. She hasn't spoken to me for almost three years but has decided now that it the time and I'm struggling with dealing with all do my emotions. I have a fairly stressful job, well time pressured,I was made redundancy when I was due to go back to work after maternity leave, I am now three months into a second job, wanting to make a good impression and have failed miserably now

Hi again Lottie, I apologize, I actually did send you a lengthy message but I don't see it so I will write you again in a bit so hang in there thanks.

Wow, I can certainly relate – only in my case I already had my son when my sister lost her baby when he was 3 months and did not go on to have any more.  You know, I’m guessing it’s a sister thing, we hurt so much when they are hurting and when we can’t do anything to change their sadness then we feel guilty.  Of course, this usually works the other way around as well.

When we feel guilty we really have to try  to determine where it’s coming from – usually, guilt isn’t really guilt at all but rather, it comes from being sad about something you were unable to do or help any further (in this case your sister not being able to have her own child.

 Lottie, although I can understand why you would be feeling guilty, the bottom line remains that you cannot change what has already happened – instead, maybe you could involve your sister more so that she could bond and connect more with your child?  Let them have special time together if you feel she is ready to handle it emotionally.  We need our sisters and I don’t know what I would have done without mine because she instantly stepped in and did everything for her nephew during that bad time in my life, and certainly has never stopped.

 Like you, I also realized that something wasn’t right after giving birth to my son and when it finally registered, I had  enough energy left in me to get myself up, and I went to see my physician – certainly not easy to do but the best thing I did for myself.  You do not have to suffer and prolong the agony.   

 As far as postpartum is concerned, here are the 5 stages.  Look them over and be honest with yourself, have you gone through all six stages?  Or, are you still struggling to get past number 2 or 3?

 The Six Stages of Postpartum Depression

1.        Denial: This must be what new motherhood is like. I’ll be alright. It can’t be postpartum depression, because I’m not mentally ill. I’m sure it will wear off soon. I just need more sleep.

2.        Anger: Nobody understands what I’m going through. Why me?! This is supposed to be a time of joy. I don’t deserve this. I don’t want to have to take medication. I don’t want to go to therapy. I shouldn’t have to call a doctor. This is not fair.

3.        Bargaining: If I just exercise more and eat better I’ll be fine. If I could just get to the point where the baby sleeps through the night, I’ll be okay. If I get closer to God and pray more, this will surely go away.

4.        Depression: I should just leave my family. I’m bringing everyone down. They all would be better off without me. My poor baby doesn’t deserve a mother like this. I’ll never get better so there’s no point in going on.

5.        Acceptance: What’s happening to me isn’t normal and I can’t ignore it anymore. It’s not my fault. It is okay for me to talk to a doctor. It’s okay for me to ask for help. I can take medication or go to therapy or do whatever is necessary for my health and that of my family.

 Review the 5 stages and be very honest with yourself.  And please, don’t be afraid to speak with your Doctor as soon as possible.  By the way, have you had any blood work done recently?  Did your physician check your thyroid?  Please make sure to get this done as well if you haven’t done so already. Hormones can run our lives!

 As far as getting your body back in shape – I know exactly where you are coming from, I recommend that (and this is the advice I give all my clients) that a person look after any medical issues before all else.  You can begin an exercise program and form good nutritional habits, they really are the best medicine - however, when you feel the way you describe? It is hard to continue to stay motivated and there’s a high percentage one will revert back to their old ways and will only become very discouraged. 

Please make your priority getting the help you need for the symptoms you are experiencing.  Lottie?  Nobody has to suffer like this so please be good to yourself.   Know that you have some wonderful people on here that are very supportive - what a great forum!

 We're all here for you, Big hugs, H.

I cut down to a quarter pill and had a really bad night sleep, not daughter just very reslast. She was up at 4 today and hubby didn't bring her to me until 5.30, bless him. He Mae her lunch for me and I walked her round to the child minders. Now I'm home I can shut my eyes and sleep. It feels like so much sleep to catch up on, I am feeling better and then I feel exhausted.

I haven't missed what I said amd am sorry for your sisters loss and you too losing a nephew.

we do need our sisters and I realise that is the trigger for me feeling the way I do, I have just realised how tired I feel. Hubby has done the night are for three nights and he is like the walking dead, as mums you are more resilient but you can't actually do it all