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It feels like i have been depressed all my life. Nothing in my life has gone as I desired. I am 27 years old now and the last 10 years of my life have been like hell. I was brought up else where away from my parents. Sometimes at uncle's house or aunt's house just like a football. I thought I had great future and do something great in life because I was brought up with my cousins whose parents were rich and I was kinda used to the lifestyle and thought my future was going to be great. But then I came back to my parents who were just average class people and I realized my reality. My parents were a mess, always fighting, and seeing this really depressed me. I realized how lucky my cousins were who were blessed with wonderful parents, a loving family they had, and financially their parents could support to make their dreams come true. Living with my parents made things worse for me. I realized that all the dreams that I had seen for my self would never come true. I had been about 15-16 when I was first depressed. My parents couldnt help me metally, neither financially. Despite all this mental torment I worked very hard and gave my best to studies and make a better future for my self but I failed which I strongly believe was some mistake and didn't deserve to fail. Also had heartbreak. It was one sided and that completely broke me. Lot of bad experiences in these last 10-11 years. My academic record is not so great, don't have a good job. Never been in any relationship and have been so lonely in these past 10 years. I never felt love or happiness, infact I wonder what that feels like. I dont think I will every see that aspect of life. I am seeing my colleagues, who are so happy, many of them married or in a relationship. But I am just...cant even find words. Time is running out so quickly, I am already 27. I have had such bad luck. Everything I had, all happiness, every reason to live, has been taken away from me. I feels like I was flying in skies and I fell so hard to the ground. Somebody just cut my wings. I would have hardly believed 10 years back that all this kind of things would happen to me and change my life so dramatically. Really its been like a movie. I wouldn't wish this kind of life even for my worst enemy.I have absolutely lost that spark that I use to have and wonder and try to remember what happiness felt like when i was in my teens. I can not think of anything positive now regarding the future. I have no hope and am in depression. Now my head is as if in cloud, can't feel anything. I suffer from anxiety and just recetly problems while speaking, fumbling which I never ever had before, considering that I was may be the best speaker among my colleagues. I know this message has been too long for anyone to go through but I just wanted to let out my feelings because I never share them with any one. I wish I was reckless and didn't care what people would think. But I just can't help change my self.
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