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Im so hurt and confused but may i add, also on the mend! I met this guy a year ago on a dating website. He seemed amazing and perfect but a few weeks later he told me had been in prison for 12 years for attempted murder.. he swore it wasnt him and that he took the blame for someone else. He seemed so genuine and i chose to believe him and his stories on how he isnt that person anymore and i believed his intentions that he wanted to be a better person and create a life for himself. He seemed to be a hard worker and full of ambitions so i very quickly fell inlove with him.
I am a single mum of two who works full time and having a social/love life is extremly hard without having to get my kids involved. It wasnt long before he moved in with me and my world and life was eventually complete. My kids loved and him and vise versa (so i believed). I absolutly adored him and would have done anything in a heartbeat for him.
He fed me all the promises and filled my head with fake future, wedding holiday etc stories and i sucked it in like a big sponge!!!! *I should say before i go any further that i smoke canabis on a daily basis and have done for many years (i am not looking for a lecture on this as i am currently seeking treatment!!!). If i ever got the chance of a good night out i would take the odd line of cocaine and sometimes speed this is as far as i went with the party drugs and im honestly talking about 3times a year here. Ive never been a drinker, i grew up with alocoholics in my family and i just dont like to pay a load of money to get myself into a paralytic state, treating precious people like dirt and feeling ill for days after - never really seen the point tbh.*
Anyway. After a few months of dating this "man"(34 year old boy) he started to slip, he also smoked canabis and to my knowlege took the odd line of cocaine if he was ever out with friends so i didnt dare complain. But his nights out wer becoming more regular. Went from hardly ever to thurs-sun every single weekend (became part of the calling in sick on a monday club)! I then found out he had been ecstasy too- which i hated so much but i couldnt stop him or id be a hypocrit because of my occasional dabble with cocaine (ive never been a pill taker).
He was taking valium for his come downs too and they became more regular aswell..One i was on nightshift and i got a call from his mother (the enabler) at 2am telling me that my bf had been rushed to hospital and on life support. He had taken a bad ecstacy and a load of valium plus a bottle of vodka ended up in intensive care. I cried so much beside him prayin he would wake up, thankfully he did and he was terrified and swore NEVER again!! But that was of course lies.
He left me a week later and went on an insane drink and drug bender for 3 weeks then spent a week recovering, he lost his job, his wallet, his fone, his home and me. And he grieved with a massive party blow out..he did come back with his tail between his legs and begged for forgivness.. i loved him so much and i was so happy that he returned that ther was no hesitation in me.. I took him back in a second, it lasted a fortnight before he was off to his mates again with all his stuff! More pictures on fb of him having the best time ever without me altho i was still recieving texts and he wanted to come back, i was so destroyed by this point i took him back again.. i missed him so much, where was the amazing guy i first met???
Our relationship started to heal (so i thot) and i thot he seen the error, it was great for a few months but He started to become withdrawn from our relationship again. I started feeling lonly and used. Used for a bed to sleep in during the week, as a taxi, a laundry/restraunt and of course a hole wenever he needed sex.. anytime i tried to express my feelings of blatant neglect he would just make feel sadder, like i was over reacting.
He was definitely changing!
He wouldn't address any of our issues or responsibilitys he would just bugger off out.. But i was starting to question my gut. Was i being a paraniod insane girlfriend? He called me pathetic and psychotic (wen he was out with his friends i barely even text him nevermind call, because i wouod be scared to find out wat he was actually up to) i let alot of lonly weekends pass, wakening up wighout him but reading his "miss you" messages.. but he wouldnt come home until someties 7 in the morning (i would then find out via fb later that he was infact sittin with his pals and other girls too.. and this is seriously all the time every weekend, while i was in bed hoping he would be home soon for a cuddle) he was using valium to get a sleep after hed been sniffin cocaine all night.. our saturday trips with the kids stopped completely coz he was comatosed until tea time/partytime round2.. he seemed like he couldnt be bothered with them anymore.. he started using valium more and more too.. becoming even more withdrawn, sleeping at tea time everynight as soon as he was home from work (he got another job)..
i started to become really sad and depressed (ive suffered depressiin on and off for 5 years) he didnt like me on anti depressents may i add!
he started being slightly nasty towards me until the point i didnt know this guy anymore he left me again because i was "too deep and emotional" and moved back in with his mum this time. It was sooo hard to believe we wer over! I was absolutly devasted and then of course my period never came.. *see wen he was sober and from the days tuesday to Friday he was back to my guy again n i was still blindly believing his promises that i was his only woman forever that we wer trying to have a baby* we both believed this is what he needed.. so it came, after we split.. i was a shell by this point. I told him about the pregnancy and he was absolutly over the moon.. he was crying saying he thot he lost me forever blah blah blah and this time we r going to make it work!!!
I could see in his eyes and face he was totally full of valium, i then found out that while he was away this time, he was actually selling valium and was really addicted to them.. he was a completely different person on these drugs, like jekyl and hyde.. i begged him to stop taking and selling them but he totally flipped and was absolutly horrified that i suggested he stopped! He wanted to go home he came back but not in the same way.. in the next few days i Unfortunately miscarried, he left me again. Devastated. I got a sickline from work.. he didnt even attent the hospital with me. This was all in november..
i took him back again once more because i needed him now more than ever. He broke down to his parent and confessed his valium abuse and we all swore to help him and be ther.. 2 weeks before christmas we wer having a quiet drink in the house but he wanted more, he haddd to find a party so he did and we went. I walked jnto a house full of young boys, snortin coke n eccy, drinks flowing everywer. He sniffed mdma and took 2x ecstacy tablets that night behind my back, he then chose to ridicule me in front of all these guys. I was gutted n wanted to leave so we did.. it was wen we got home i seen in his eyes and his jaw that he was infact full of the drug that nearly killed him.. i flipped out. Stuff got chucked about my house, we pushed each other about, he threatned me, i stupidly called the police (hes still out on licence) i hung up straight away but they still came.. i took responsibility fir everythinggg and begged them to let him go so they wer letting him go until they found canabis and valium on him. They still let him go anyway. I havent seen him since. And have hardly herd from him, This was now nearly 4 weeks ago hes moved on now to a girl who has previous for house robbing and drug taking, her kids have been taken away, but he made sure that i knew, he had the best christmas n new year ever with her, also that hes struggeling to get a job so he demanded i get his 200 back into his bank asap! (He loaned me this for presents) and how happy and amazing his life is now that hes moved on!!! He said I better move on too because he will never take me back and he loves his new missus mire than he ever loved me!!! And also im a grasssss!! I gave him his money and havent herd from him since.
Ive got so many unanswered questions that i know i have to bury, as i said at the start.. im on the mend!! But i just dont get it?? Is he a narcissist? Is he still taking valium? Is he infact happier with her? Did he get a job? Did i drag him down? He said he will never forgive me for foning the police but he was scaring me. Will he blame me forever?
I dont ever contact him coz i cant take the hurt.
His previous relationship ended a little like this i think.. i dont know anything about it, only that he met me 2 weeks after he split with her.
His new relationship- ive herd his gf is also a drug yser who has had her 2 kids taken away at the age of 27, she also has previous for robbery and according to fb he spent the whole of Christmas new year absolutely smashed out his face! Ive deactivated mine n keeping it that way!!
I guess i just wat ANYONES opinion on how i can pick my life up and get on with things.. im severly depressed at the moment. And i have gut wrenching feeling that this is not the end.. or maybe it is the end.. I WANT IT TO BE THE END.. i could never forgive his last stunt.
Will he continue using valium?
will she gain the happiness that he promised me?
Did he get a lucky escape from me like he said?
Is this my fault? Why do i feel so guilty??
SOMEONE HELPP XXX
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