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Hello, I'm not sure how to approach this topic, as I am only addmiting today that there is something wrong with me.
The reason for this is due to the fact that I expereinced my second black out last night during my birthday celebration, where I had a full blown hysteria fit and inflicted injuries on myself. However, I cannot remember any of this.
In these black outs I am crying, falling over, scratching myself and ranting negative stuff about myself. After it, I woke up covered in bruises and my friend, who was very freaked out because this is the second time she had to try to calm me down, explained everything to me.
The first time it happened, was right after I admitted to my friend that I am a rape victim, which I suspect was the trigger for the blackouts. I was raped over a year ago and this was the first time I had talked to anyone about it, as I kept it to myself and tried to forget about it.
During the period of time between this incident and my first blackout, I noticed changes in my behaviour and general life style.
My sleeping patterns have become inconsistent, for long periods of time I can't sleep at all and feel tired and restless, and then other times I'm constantly sleeping and I am unable to bring myself to do anything. In adition to that I have grown to hate myself, I can't open up to people, I am constantly in fear of being judged, I can't eat and when I do I feel sick, partly because I don't like my body image, and I know that this has a massive impact on my eating habits. I have to force myself to eat. I am tired, I can't do anything, I have completely lost all interest in anything, I can't concentrate on anything. I have become very sensetive and I cry about every mistake and wrong choice I make, I blame myself for eveything, even the things that I couldn't change. I have become moody, lazy, everything annoys me, I don't want to spend time with people. I just feel sad and lonely all the time for over a year.
This has had a massive effect on my life, I complain about guys treating me like trash when I am treating myself like trash. I feel like I can never be cared about because I am not good enough, instead of trying to develop a relationship and have someone to be there for me, I am sleeping around and letting guys walk all over me and then I blame myself for it. Even when I try not to do this, I still end up being in those situations.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore, my studies have gone downhill and I honsetly don't see a future for myself.
I don't want someone try to mess with my head and make me talk about all the things that I have forced to the back of mind. There are many traumatizing events that I have tried to forget about since I was little and no one knows about them. I feel ashamed about myself, I hate myself.
Telling my friend about the rape has made everything even worse and now I am experiencing these black outs, which scares me. I know that if don't do anything it will get worse and I am scared of the idea of having a blackout without my friend being present, what if I injure myself more seriously next time.
But I don't know what to do.
I hope that this makes sense, because my mind currently is a mess and I'm not sure if anyone will understand what I am trying to say with this, but I hope that I can get any kind of advice on how I can get my life back on track.
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