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Hoping people may be able to respond to this with some thoughts...at the very least, even if not, it'll be a good chance to unload
In a nutshell...I am getting incredibly frustrated \ sad \ annoyed with the fact I feel 'numb' in terms of emotions- I feel no highs, no matter how fleeting and no matter how warranted they may be. My background is this: I have been on Fluoxetine since 2008 and Mirtazapine since 2009 for low level depression, but mainly for OCD \ sleep and anxiety issues, having had 3 lots of CBT for OCD (some more successful than others).
My recent ire with myself is that I am simply not enjoying a life in which I feel I should. This has always bothered me low level for years and I am convinved part of it is due to the medication that I'm on- I've read that my respective tablets can sometimes lead to a 'numbing' sensation (good to take the edge of OCD and depression, but not so much for feelings of enjoyment)
Ultimately, it may be the meds, it may not. Either way, recently I am getting not only frustrated at my lack of 'feelings', but just downright anxious about it all. Case in point- everything in my life is, on the face of it, exactly what I wanted it to be: I have a girlfriend who is just perfect for me and love very much, (we've just bought a house together) a job I really enjoy and a fit and healthy lifestyle. But with this comes my own high standards of expecations of 'how' I should feel, and I resent the fact that I don't feel good about it all. I don't feel 'bad', I just don't feel good- no pings of happiness, no constant or even brief optimism, and it breaks my heart.
I chatted with my latest CBT therapist about it and she said that I have this assumption that everyone feels happy and I don't, which she believes is essentially not true and that I have set myself ridiculously high standards of wanting to 'feel' happy. I said that I remember, pre medication and in my teenage years that I did have spells of feeling truly positive, upbeat and happy- perhaps that's rose-tinted glasses, I'm not sure.
I have tried various types of vitamins to help aid in dealing with low mood (all to no real avail) and it's really hard to describe to someone, but it's just that now I feel anxious, edgy and negative in relation to this numbness- whereas it was always there before, it is really bothering me now and is always on my mind to the point where it is merging with my anxiety and low level mood. I went to my friend's wedding last weekend and I felt...nothing. Nothing at all. Did the majority of the guests there feel the same? Or did they feel happy \ emotional at the points I feel I 'should' have done? Even on his stag do...one I tried so hard to enjoy (and maybe that's part of the issue, the trying rather than it coming naturall), amidst a time where it looked like everyone was having a blast, I wasn't (although no one would have known on face value). Not even alcohol gives me a temporary buzz anymore (but that's probably a different topic)
Well...that wasn't exactly in a nutshell, but nonetheless, thank you if you've taken the time to read. If you've had any similar experiences or tips, I'd love to hear from you. Thanks.
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