Indentity issues young adult + anxiety, depression, agoraphobia

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hi guys,

I'm a 20 yo male who struggles with anxiety, agoraphobia, social anxiety and depression a lot. My whole life is a stressful ride. Unfortunately I couldn't develop myself in a well balanced environment when I was young. Since I'm 17 my life collapsed like a house build of cards. I'm at the bottom and I feel like it can't be any worse.

I'm now on a level I can't go to the grocery store and even talking to my own family and friends feels hard to impossible.

I sleep bad and feel badly grounded with the world. I feel floaty all the time. I have very bad anxiety to lose control and become insane. Because I isolate myself so much I think it isn't strange. It's like a cave where I can't come out. I try to distract myself by doing games and watching tv, but I feel like all of this makes it worse. I can't be starring at screens the whole day.

I try to hold myself to a strict simple schedule of stuff which I can do at home. Honestly it's all in periods. Sometimes I have a week or 2 where I feel motivated, but I don't see any improvements and I stop with it..

I can't stand myself and I often wonder what my potential is and if there is a way out of this mess. I lost my purpose and I don't know anymore who my true self is. The list of all the negative stuff I deal with is so long.

Recently I'm waiting for day treatment. It's gonna be such a hard time, because even the smallest things doesn't work out. Especially transport to it feels like a big issue. Hopefully it's going to work out. It feels like the only option left so I have to do it, but how?

I'm such a thoughtful person which aren't making things easier.

Any tips or advice? I often search for positive stories about people who feel better after going through a hard period of time, but I never really find something who experienced the same symptoms on the same level.

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  • Posted

    I once had a boyfriend who suffered from the exact same problems as you have - he never went out and had agoraphobia - he found talking with friends difficult and talking with certain family members impossible. Riding on a train was very, very difficult and I wasn’t allowed to say a word to him as I rode there by his side; riding on a bus would have been impossible had he been called upon to do so. He had deep periods of depression where he couldn’t get out of bed. Back then the information about depression just wasn’t available and getting treated or medicated was unheard of.

    My very best advice to you is to get diagnosed by a doctor and treated for major depression. This would include medication and therapy if you choose to.

    Best of luck to you and I hope this has been helpful.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply Diane.

      I think that my anxiety is the main cause of my trouble. It started out by having hyperventilations and having a bad trip on weed. I already didn't felt good before I had a hard time leaving my house. I felt very insecure about my personality at that time already. I was learned to keep everything to myself etc. I felt out of place everywhere. But at that time I did go out and did all the stuff normal people also did, but also not the way you supposed to feel.

      I think everything is connected to each other. At least that's where I'm hoping for. Like if one symptom gets less the others go down as well. I think my character is all or nothing. Now it's nothing. Hopefully this will change one day. I just want to explore the world, but I can't for a long time now. I want to feel good in my own skin and be confident who I am. Maybe a girlfriend as well. But now I feel like I can't even take care of myself, standalone somebody else. It makes me depressed that I don't really have that opportunity.

      May I ask how it's going on with the person who had sort of the same problems as I have?

      I hope my English is ok, it's not my 1st language;)

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    • Posted

      I also had a bad and terrifying experience with marijuana when I was younger, which initiated a year of panic attacks that followed.Back then there wasn't the treatment and medication available that there is now days.

      Sadly my ex-boyfriend passed away from a random sepsis infection acquired while in hospital, which wouldnt have struck at all or at least would not have killed him if he wasn't by then a severe alcoholic. Very gruesome but an important message for all us self-medicators to hear. I am too old now to be drinking so I am out of the woods in that regard.

      I admire your responsible attitude when it comes to not having a girlfriend while unable to take care of yourself. My ex boyfriend used me for 17 years to support him as he was too debilitated with depression to even leave the apartment let alone work. It feels like he stole my youth from me.

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    • Posted

      How did you get over it back then? Unfortunately and stupidly marijuana isn't the only drug where I had a bad trip. I also took mushrooms back when I was only 17 years old. I still regret it a lot. Those bad symptoms I had back then I still experience today (kind of). Since then I have stop with every drug including alcohol. I'm now 20 and I'm even afraid for coffee.. I also don't take medication because of this reason.

      I'm so sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend. Hopefully he is in a better place now. Alcohol is a b***h, I can tell, because of people in my family who are alcoholic too.

      You know, it's not something I don't mis or anything, but I feel like I lack something. I think that's normal, because you know, that's nature. The reason you describe is one of the main reasons I don't want to have anyone right now. Besides that, I'm even anxious to talk to some family members, let alone meeting a strangers and date someone. Hopefully one day I can be a confident person who understands myself completely and be at peace with myself without a crazy amount of anxiety.

      I find it hard to set goals because I'm in this for a long time now. Only characteristic wise I can set goals. I don't know if that's any good to do. I can set goals again when I'm out in the real world again I think.

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    • Posted

      Taking drugs and drinking alcohol are often part of living with depression. I certainly did it when I was younger. And 'bad trips' and lingering symptoms are part of the situation. Do not feel bad about doing these things in your past, it's understandable but I'm glad to hear that you've stopped and being afraid of 'stimulants' is wise. I dont drink caffeinated coffee because it freaks me out. And I dont go near pot or alcohol anymore now that I'm older. These are the limitations we have to live with because of our depression.

      But you will definitely come to understand and accept yourself over time and your path will take you to solutions for the anxiety. I take medication for that and it works very well. We need to embrace whatever medical science has to offer in the way of help for depression, and a certain amount of experimentation with a doctor's guidance may be necessary in order to arrive at the right mix.

      I like my medications because they make me feel good and they make me relaxed and safe, when combined with certain mental habits I've learned, like letting go of worry and trusting God or life to handle your problems for you instead of racking your own brains to come up with solutions.

      Be patient with yourself and give yourself all the time you need to achieve a degree of stability. Don't expect too much of yourself, that's part of accepting your depression and learning to live with it.

      There's so much more I could probably say to you because I see in you someone who is pretty much at the beginning of his journey to recovery. And by recovery I do not mean being 'cured' as such but achieving the maximum possible for yourself.

      Let your goals be gentle ones - not too harsh - and no steep mountains to climb !

      Happiness awaits you as you travel this path and learning to be gentle with yourself is crucial.

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    • Posted

      It's not that I want to be so afraid of it. Before I had this I could enjoy a beer, but now even at 1 sip I feel stressed and that's just ridiculous. I've tried it a few times in these 3 years, but it didn't felt pleasant at all. With drugs I'm all done.

      I took Prozac before for a half year, but it didn't made a difference in a positive way. I've read a book about medication and honestly it has convinced me to not take a ssri anymore. Oxazepam might be an option though, but like I said, I've created anxiety for everything which does something with my mind. I don't know if I'm ready to overcome my anxiety on that part.

      Soon somebody comes to visit me who I didn't see for a long time and I feel stressed full it. I'm afraid to get panic attacks and I just overall feel bad. Do you have any tips to get in this without trying to worry so much.

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    • Posted

      I can’t drink beer or alcohol because it doesnt mix with my meds (40 mg. Citalopram and 50 mg. Seroquel) and if I try to drink I get a freakish feeling.

      My understanding is that for people who have anxiety and nervousness style depression, SSRI’s are recommended because of their soothing effect.

      Self created anxiety can be helped by cognitive therapy.

      There are no easy answers or magic solutions. Experimentation and working on your self are required to make any headway but you probably already know this.

      I was so disappointed when my first therapist refused to give me answers and solutions but she did me a great favor because she introduced me to the fact that I must rely on myself for these things. Disappointing at first but quite fruitful in the long run.

      Tips: You need to turn your mind off when you notice yourself worrying and stressing. You need to turn away from that stuff. You could start practicing that with this upcoming visit from an old acquaintance.

      Another thing that is vital to my peace of mind and getting rid of anxiety is to begin trusting in something loving and bigger than yourself - it could be god (as it is for me) or it could be life. The point is to trust, trust, trust ! I worked on trusting for a long time. Whatever I am worried or scared about I turn it over to this higher being and then force myself to stop thinking about it. You have to work on believing that it will be taken care of for you and that you dont have to think about it at all.

      Also helpful are affirmations: for instance say to yourself “this visit will go quite smoothly and quickly and be no problem at all for me” . . . “I will probably end up enjoying this visit and be sorry when it’s over”.

      I see now that you are beginning to reach out for help and answers and I wish you blessings and best luck as you travel down your path towards becoming a better version of yourself. This path although scary for you at the moment, was chosen especially for you because of the ultimate fruitfulness of it.

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    • Posted

      I think cbt is the therapy I will most benefit from. I've had in the past, but under the supervision of a bad psychologist. I've just got a totally wrong mindset and I think there isn't a pill that's going to fix that. I need to gain my confidence back. At the moment I don't even trust myself anymore. That's how low it is.

      I agree that in the end it's you who's got to do it, but I think that the right help is changing a lot.

      I've tried your first tip, but it was really hard. I think that's something you can't change 1,2,3.

      The second one I can't fully get my head around it. I'm not religious. I don't really understand what you mean with trusting in life itself.

      The conversation went mwah. At least it went better then all the possibilities I thought of before. I did experience a lot of anxiety, but luckily no panic attack. I've had to pinch myself constantly through which is a very bad habit though.

      Hopefully things are going to change positively from now on. Now most of my stress is gone I am thinking of all the stuff in life and that makes me sad.

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    • Posted

      Yes, turning your mind off isn't easy at first and some say impossible but if you stick with it I promise you the ability to turn away from your thinking will pay off for your entire life and it gets much much easier to the point that no effort at all is necessary.

      I understand your confusion about the 2nd tip; but cognitive therapy will deal with the trust issues very nicely and provide the answers that are tailored to your needs.

      I'm glad to hear nothing catastrophic happened during your visit.

      I respect that you believe medication can't help but I hope you will at least consider the possibility. I'm not big on medication in general but severe depression and anxiety is one of the conditions I think calls for it.

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