Inner hate of parents causing depression

Hi you need to set yourself some boundaries with your parents and stick to them.  Just because they are your family doesn't mean you have to get on with them.  You don't choose your family but you can your friends.  If they are making you miserable then limit all contact with them.  If you prefer to spend holidays with your friends then why not do that?

You can't get blood out of a stone so start looking for the things you need in life outside your family.  I do know what I am talking about as I went through the same with my family especially my mother.  I realised they were never going to be able to or even want to be there for me or give me what I needed.  I sought and it got it elsewhere. And no I have no partner or children either.  x

Your recognition is worthy of respect because it takes a lot of courage. Unfortunately, there is such a kind of moral abuse of a child when baby becomes part of an unhappy family.

It seems your parents did not know what to do with life to make themselves (and then you) happy. It happens when people mistakenly consider themselves independent enough to create a family, make decisions, raise children.

You can not repeat their mistakes by taking your life into your own hands. Become independent, live separately, live your life. Thirty years - it's time for you to create your family, to deal with your problems, and not with the problems of your parents.

Of course, one must be able to agree with them, but when there are too many parents in life, it is worth it to shut off from it.

Hi spirit animal, I think having read your post your parents sound domineering and at 30 it's your choice what you do with your life. Don't let your parents run your life, IT'S YOUR OWN! Do as you feel, no-one else. Get some help for your past, explain it to someone, try counselling maybe? I wish you luck I have 1 domineering parent as the other one is no longer here.

Hi Spiritanimal - sorry you are suffering. i know well what you are feeling. I went through a terrible childhood and the cruel indifference of particularly my mother with regards my emotional and psychological wellbeing as well as my physical health had a huge impact on my life. My twin, however, was not abused in that way and still grew up to be a mess. When i was a little older than you are - about 35 - i began asking questions and demanding answers. All I got was blame and insults - perversely telling me I must be mentally ill when depression runs on both sides of the family and that was exactly what I was addressing and needed answers. It was almost enough to drive me off the edge. I say almost because i consider myself more intelligent than them and that was why i was seeking answers rather than hiding things behind a contrived facade of 'perfection' as we had always been taught to do.

I crossed the Rubicon when i realised that there was no answer they could give that would alleviate anything. No matter what they said it wouldn't change a thing. What words could? How many of them? I raged of course, blaming the world and shaking my fist at the gods, sinking deeper into depression, basically giving up. But then what? Can't just lie there like a wet fish waiting for...what? An answer? What answer? From who? Well, from me, actually. Who was i hurting by giving up? Them? No - it's just fuel for further derision for them. Them, expressing disappointment and shame because i had become what they had raised me to be - a mess. Nope. No deal. 

Eventually - and it takes time and effort, a change of thinking - I guided myself out of that anger. It isn't completely gone - there are still times when I rage about it, but i pull myself up before long and refer to this lifeboat: there's purpose behind it all. It has made me strong. I became the adult. It no longer matters what they expect because I'm in charge of me. Yes, you have to negotiate with the pain they caused, yes, you have to accept that things could have been better but weren't, and yes, one has to bite the tongue when dealing with them, but in the end i am in charge of me and I will not allow their mistakes to dictate any limitations. 

I still deal with mother (father died 5 years ago which changed her somewhat) but i do it for her not for me. And for my brothers. That's because I'm the adult. It has been lonely being the outcast and i have never considered i really had any sort of family - but i am never alone. I have me and no-one understands me better. It's just the way it is in this life, and this life is a blink of the eye. My job is to negotiate it the best i can and make an effort not to treat others the way i was treated. Some people who know about all this ask "But you are a nice person. How can that be?" I have to exert that practiced patience when I respond "Because i choose it. My parents crimes are not a licence for me to be like them."

At the end of the road I believe that will count and so it's worth the effort.