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I would like to discuss a very upsetting subject for me which is actually feeling hate towards my parents. i am 30 years old.
i have tried for years to brush my feelings to the side and hide my feelings at every opportunity but I hate to admit that I do actually hate them.
Recently I have been finding it harder to hide my feelings therefor I cannot really spend time with them etc.
Seasonal events etc are getting harder and harder . Last few christmases I have been downright miserable and wished I was alone or with friends instead. The last christmas I had to pretend I disnt feel well and lie down and sleep (which was partly true though) .
They are not a couple or together but spend a lot of time together as friends which I don't like either but is some kind of long term game they seem to play with each other.
All I can say is they have hurt me deeply in the past and they probably may not even realise how deepy as I thought family was everything to me.
There has been a lot of emotional abuse and mistreatment and I feel I have lost a lot of opportunities and generally suffered a lot in life because they could not manage to be normal parents to me so there is a lot of anger as well.
When i look to the future and see events like for example if I did ever get married (I am single with no kids at the moment ) . I feel like my parents being there would ruin it as I dislike their presence.
my feelings have always been brushed to the side and classed an unimportant my whole life so I don't feel like I can talk to them about how I really feel as I know they would also be upset. (Or definitely act upset and use it against me).
I dont know if anyone could actually understand how I feel but maybe it is because I have bottled up their mistreatment of me for so long. I know it is frowned upon to talk badly of your parents so i am even uncomfortable writing this post. But when it comes to it I have started to realise I actually cant change how I feel. And they wont change either.
Ultimately I don't want to loose them or cut them off, but having them in my life seems to effect me very negatively.
Any advice would be appreciated as I really dont want to feel like this. .
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