Inner hate of parents causing depression

Posted , 6 users are following.

I would like to discuss a very upsetting subject for me which is actually feeling hate towards my parents. i am 30 years old.

i have tried for years to brush my feelings to the side and hide my feelings at every opportunity but I hate to admit that I do actually hate them. 

Recently I have been finding it harder to hide my feelings therefor I cannot really spend time with them etc. 

Seasonal events etc are getting harder and harder . Last few christmases I have been downright miserable and wished I was alone or with friends instead. The last christmas I had to pretend I disnt feel well and lie down and sleep (which was partly true though) . 

They are not a couple or together but spend a lot of time together as friends which I don't like either but is some kind of long term game they seem to play with each other. 

All I can say is they have hurt me deeply in the past and they probably may not even realise how deepy as I thought  family was everything to me. 

There has been a lot of emotional abuse and mistreatment and I feel I have lost a lot of opportunities and generally suffered a lot in life because they could not manage to be normal parents to me so there is a lot of anger as well. 

When i look to the future and see events like for example if I did ever get married (I am single with no kids at the moment ) . I feel like my parents being there would ruin it as I dislike their presence. 

my feelings have always been brushed to the side and classed an unimportant my whole life so I don't feel like I can talk to them about how I really feel as I know they would also be upset. (Or definitely act upset and use it against me). 

I dont know if anyone could actually understand how I feel but maybe it is because I have bottled up their mistreatment of me for so long. I know it is frowned upon to talk badly of your parents so i am even uncomfortable writing this post. But when it comes to it I have started to realise I actually cant change how I feel. And they wont change either. 

Ultimately I don't want to loose them or cut them off, but having them in my life seems to effect me very negatively.  

Any advice would be appreciated as I really dont want to feel like this. .

1 like, 8 replies

Report / Delete

8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi you need to set yourself some boundaries with your parents and stick to them.  Just because they are your family doesn't mean you have to get on with them.  You don't choose your family but you can your friends.  If they are making you miserable then limit all contact with them.  If you prefer to spend holidays with your friends then why not do that?

    You can't get blood out of a stone so start looking for the things you need in life outside your family.  I do know what I am talking about as I went through the same with my family especially my mother.  I realised they were never going to be able to or even want to be there for me or give me what I needed.  I sought and it got it elsewhere. And no I have no partner or children either.  x

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Your recognition is worthy of respect because it takes a lot of courage. Unfortunately, there is such a kind of moral abuse of a child when baby becomes part of an unhappy family.

    It seems your parents did not know what to do with life to make themselves (and then you) happy. It happens when people mistakenly consider themselves independent enough to create a family, make decisions, raise children.

    You can not repeat their mistakes by taking your life into your own hands. Become independent, live separately, live your life. Thirty years - it's time for you to create your family, to deal with your problems, and not with the problems of your parents.

    Of course, one must be able to agree with them, but when there are too many parents in life, it is worth it to shut off from it.

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hi spirit animal, I think having read your post your parents sound domineering and at 30 it's your choice what you do with your life. Don't let your parents run your life, IT'S YOUR OWN! Do as you feel, no-one else. Get some help for your past, explain it to someone, try counselling maybe? I wish you luck I have 1 domineering parent as the other one is no longer here.

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hi Spiritanimal - sorry you are suffering. i know well what you are feeling. I went through a terrible childhood and the cruel indifference of particularly my mother with regards my emotional and psychological wellbeing as well as my physical health had a huge impact on my life. My twin, however, was not abused in that way and still grew up to be a mess. When i was a little older than you are - about 35 - i began asking questions and demanding answers. All I got was blame and insults - perversely telling me I must be mentally ill when depression runs on both sides of the family and that was exactly what I was addressing and needed answers. It was almost enough to drive me off the edge. I say almost because i consider myself more intelligent than them and that was why i was seeking answers rather than hiding things behind a contrived facade of 'perfection' as we had always been taught to do.

    I crossed the Rubicon when i realised that there was no answer they could give that would alleviate anything. No matter what they said it wouldn't change a thing. What words could? How many of them? I raged of course, blaming the world and shaking my fist at the gods, sinking deeper into depression, basically giving up. But then what? Can't just lie there like a wet fish waiting for...what? An answer? What answer? From who? Well, from me, actually. Who was i hurting by giving up? Them? No - it's just fuel for further derision for them. Them, expressing disappointment and shame because i had become what they had raised me to be - a mess. Nope. No deal. 

    Eventually - and it takes time and effort, a change of thinking - I guided myself out of that anger. It isn't completely gone - there are still times when I rage about it, but i pull myself up before long and refer to this lifeboat: there's purpose behind it all. It has made me strong. I became the adult. It no longer matters what they expect because I'm in charge of me. Yes, you have to negotiate with the pain they caused, yes, you have to accept that things could have been better but weren't, and yes, one has to bite the tongue when dealing with them, but in the end i am in charge of me and I will not allow their mistakes to dictate any limitations. 

    I still deal with mother (father died 5 years ago which changed her somewhat) but i do it for her not for me. And for my brothers. That's because I'm the adult. It has been lonely being the outcast and i have never considered i really had any sort of family - but i am never alone. I have me and no-one understands me better. It's just the way it is in this life, and this life is a blink of the eye. My job is to negotiate it the best i can and make an effort not to treat others the way i was treated. Some people who know about all this ask "But you are a nice person. How can that be?" I have to exert that practiced patience when I respond "Because i choose it. My parents crimes are not a licence for me to be like them."

    At the end of the road I believe that will count and so it's worth the effort. 

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi wayne your advice to spiritanimal was amazing, you see your story is nearly identical to mine , people do not realise when they have children if their lives are crap it badly effects you, i always thought it was my fault for everything wrong in my life, it took years to realise it was not, do not get me wrong, i am now close to my family only because i had to forgive them well my mum, but it was getting help and talking to my mum that i found out my mum had been through hell as well, in her day she had no help, it is sad that that children have to suffer in the hands of parents but sometimes the parents need help too, only problem is we know they have problems its them admitted it is the hardest, i am 54 , and i have depression,anxiety, eating disorder, severe migraines, and now i have just been diagnosed with BDD,  and its  taken this long to accept what has happened to me only because i have a great partner, a few great friends, and a great dad. who stood by me, i just wished i did it early, wasted so much of my life doing crazy things, and having so much hatred, i am still poorly but getting help and joining this forum has been wonderful 
      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi jay babes - yes, it's often the case that the parent is just repeating what they have experienced and it can be hard for us to see that and forgive them. It stops when someone in the chain decides to do it differently and try to understand the dynamics. I'm glad you have those supports in your life and I hope you can master the difficulties that have arisen from being a part of the dynamic that led you there. I think that it doesn't matter when a survivor makes the change, but i do think it's important we try to do it in this life - and I'll stop there before I get all spiritual on it. Thank you for responding.

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Do you know I really agree with you, I think of the poem by Philip Larkin about parents getting it wrong but I can't put the correct title on here, it will be censored and taken off here. My mother's done the same to me and emotionally blanked me since my dad died, with the excuse, her mother was vicious and our harriden. Don't agree you can alter things it just takes will power.

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Thank you , the trouble is it will not stop not all parents will identify  and accept they have problems and more children will suffer , the only hope we have is there is a lot more help out there then our parents had, but not all of them use it, we just live in hope they do, i am so happy that there are forums like this that people can come and talk about their problems, but there are so many that dont, i have lots of problems but i am dealing with them i just hope other to god that i can help others with what i went through and give them hope 
      Report / Delete Reply

Join this discussion or start a new one?

New discussion Reply

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up