Insignificant Other

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My name is Randy and was in a past relationship with someone i loved very, very much. My significant other had bipolar 2.  I thought about her for many years and always hoped we would reconnect one day. That relationship was 14 years ago now but we've recently reconnected (May of 2016). It was a long distance relationship so it already had some challenges but that doesn't deter true love...at least for me. Anyway, i talked online with her, texts, email, skype etc..almost daily. I had been to visit her about six or seven times and everything seemed okay for a while then we actually discussed marriage. We were "in love" and it seemed the next logical step for both of us. We're both in our forties so it was definitely on the table. She was fired from her job in the summer of 2016 so she was very down about that but i told her I supported her no matter what. She has been very depressed for many months now and i tried to help but you can't just change how someone feels. I would do anything in the world for her because she's "the love of my life". She has a house very close to her parents house and they love her and support her when she needs it but i also love and support her. The main problem is we live 670 miles away from each other. Long distance relationships are pretty tough but not impossible as long as both parties are on the same page. Long story shorter....This past November 2016 she picked out a ring, a very expensive one i might add. But i told her to pick the one she liked the most no matter the cost and she did. She told which one it was and i bought it immediately. Had to go to the bank several times and talked with the jeweler a few times as well but it was worth it for the love of my life! I decided i would propose on New Year's Eve 2017 when i visited her for the last time. I tried to book an evening out mutliple times before and she declined all of them so i had to alter my plans. Okay, so I would just propose to her at her house that night and ring in the new year with my future wife. Well that day was okay and night comes and she starts drinking, etc... but that didn't deter me because i figured she would be so happy to see the ring she picked and the man she'd been discussing marriage with presenting it. I couldn't have been more wrong. 12:00am January the 1st strikes and i proposed right there on her couch at her house. She gave me this look of "deer in the headlights" and muttered I'm bipolar. Didn't pick the ring up and even look at it. I was "devastated" to say the least. So now i have this expensive ring that can't be returned and a blossoming relationship that stopped dead in its tracks. We talked for a few weeks in January then she said she couldn't handle the pressure i put her under. I am not perfect and never claimed to be. I had been trying to contact her about a death in one our mutual friends families. Then another good friend of mine killed hiimself (found out at the funeral he was also bipolar). I was not in a good place mentally myself after her answer and the two deaths back to back of people i love. I just wanted to talk to her. I wasn't trying to harm her in any way, nor was i trying to put pressure on her. She has not tried to contact me since January 19th, 2017. I have not tried to contact her either. I am completely crushed. I hope this never happens to anyone else.

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  • Posted

    Randy, I really feel for you. It's a very difficult (and proabably confusing) situation to be in. To my mind it sounds as if she does not have the bipolar under control. Do you know if she complies with her meds? If not (and perhaps even with) then she is going to be on a constant rollercoaster of highs and lows. I too am in a similar type of situation. My 'friend' has BP1 and another serious disorder on top of that, which makes things very difficult! However, he acknowledges his conditions and has said from the outset he is not suited to a 'proper relationship'. I've now known him for over 2 years but I think we have met only 4 times, 5 at the most. But he is 'the one' for me. I have no doubts about that. And, as it happens, I am in the postion of not being able to or even wanting a 'proper relationship' myself. Of course it would be lovely if we both could have a normal relationship, but it just isn't like that for either of us. Ours too is long distance (not nearly as long as yours though) and I can go months without hearing from him. Not knowing what is going on. He will be up one day and wanting to visit, then disappear for weeks on end. I worry about him during these times, but I still get on with my life. It's not really a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but I love him, and when I do hear from him then I am overjoyed. But I am well aware that it is a short lived enjoyment. However, like I said, I'm not looking (for various resons) to settle down and have a normal life with him (or anyone else), so I just deal with how things are.

    I think it sounds like she is too unstable right now to be in a relationship. I am absolutely positive she has not meant to hurt you, but just dealing with the bipolar will be completing exhausting for her, and at times that is ALL she will be able to deal with. I'm sure she hasn't meant to push you away, but you have to understand just how serious an illness she has. When she chose the ring she most likely was excited and happy about it, but that may have just been the 'mood' she was in at the time. It sounds like she has crashed into a deep depression and perhaps is even hating herself for the way she has acted towards you.

    The only thing I can advise (going on my own experience) is if you truly love her, just send her a message now and again to remind her you are above all else, her friend. And that you are always there for her. Bipolar is a killer of friendships, and she has probably lost many so called 'friends' over the years. And if you can live with just being her friend (and maybe more now and again) then keep trying. But if you want a 'normal' relationship then I would walk away now and try to move on with your life. And remember if you choose the former, then still live your life...you can't sit about putting it on hold just waiting for her to get back in touch. 

    Again, I'm sorry Randy for your situation. I wish you all the best xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Randy - I'm 59 and I'm the bi-polar woman in the picture. One thing I can say about being bi-polar Type 2 is that I've been spectacularly good at f****ing up my life. With another 15-20 years on you to look back on, I can see that I made a lot of poor decisions based on mood - applying to jobs, relationships, frinedships, squandering money and moving house!  This winter I've been struggling to keep my end up since mid-December and it's ever more obvious to me that these low moods from which I've suffered since my teens have had a ENORMOUS affect on what I've done and who I've been and become. In the midst of my current low mood I feel this illness is a real curse and burden, it sucks the joy out of everything for 2 or 3 or 4 months at a time, makes me angry with God and extremely sorry for myself.

    In reaction to your story, I just want to comment that I expect your "true love" is definitely feeling crappy about herself and the situation. My advice is to send her a card telling her you love her just as she is, a la Bridget Jones, and want to see her again when she's up and ready. It may not be good advice, but good luck.

     

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  • Posted

    Hi randy !

    Firstly your not alone this is a typical bipolar relationship!!! It's never gonna be normal! Always gonna be a rollercoaster so you have to decide weather you can accept & cope !

    I been with my partner just over 2 years & when things are gud we're in a perfect couple but that's not often !!! There regular ups & downs , issues which seem little or nothing to me are major issues for him & causes much stress leading to him ending the relationship!! Currently our relationship has ended (7/8 per year so far. )

    It's not easy to cope in this situation & it's taken me along time to feel relaxed and be able to cope but it still hurts when your being ignored by someone you love !

    All you can do is be patient, try to understand & get on with your life !!!

    Or walk away !!

    I know i sound harsh but I'm being honest as this is what my own experience has taught me .

    Good luck

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  • Posted

    This should serve as a cautionary tale about long distance relationships in general and ones with individuals with known disorders such as Bipipar Disorder. Although the illness can be managed it cannot be cured. I have not had an incident in over 15 years and I STILL see my PDoc on a regular basis. These are the cold hard facts. I understand the idea of love's ability to affect one's decision making process but everyone should be forewarned. I wouldn't trust myself even after 15 years clarity to involve myself in any long distance relationship. Life is harsh. It is more harsh still in matters of the heart when mental illness is part of the picture.

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  • Posted

    Randy

    Love can be a hard act to follow sometimes. We all let our heads rule our heart and we can all suffer a rejection many times as we search for our soul mate.

    Ttry and move on, the ring may become useful in the near future and you will be happy that you did not become involved in a complicated health problem.

    BOB

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