Intense HIV anxiety ruining my relationships

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I've always had some anxiety with HIV. However when I started having sex, it gotten out of control. I was raised in a religon household and was always taught that sex is bad and if I do not abide by God's rule I will contract HIV/AIDS. I was a virgin until I moved to go to college to complete my junior and senior year. The guy I was saying sexually assulted me without a condom and that is when the anxiety really started with almost every guy I dated after that.

I never told anyone I was sexually assaulted. This is my first time speaking about it.

My previous boyfriends thought may be I was crazy because I would constantly accuse them of having a STD when they told me that they were fine.

My ex broke up with me because of my anxiety. He got tested and I still was freaking out.

Now I am in a new relationship, and my anxiety is out of control because the guy I with has a past that is considered high risk.

2 years ago he got into trouble and to relieve his troubles he injected meth for a month. He told me he only used his own needles that he stole from hospitals and he never used one over again.

He then told me he had sex with 8 women unprotected and the last woman he had sex with was 8 months ago.

I told him I have a HIV anxiety. He reassured me he is ok and that he understand my fear so he went to get tested for just gonnerhea and Chlamydia. He told me all was ok but the HIV test isn't administered at the hospital and only at the clinics. We both work 8 to 5 jobs and by the we are off work all the clinics are closed.

We also have had sex but only used a condom for everything and I still think he's infected and I am too. He also just put the tip of his penis in me for 2 seconds or so and put the whole penis in for maybe 10 seconds with no ejaculation on either.

Since we are both busy, we are going to buy a test and take it together to clear my anxiety. He told me he's ok and can't wait to take it to show me.

I also asked him did the woman he slept with inect drugs he told me no and that they were weed heads or meth users.

He has changed now and that past is behind him. He's about to start school and currently work as a construction worker. I love him and wish I can live a normal life. We have been together for 5 months.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    This is clearly worrying you Celeste and affecting your life

    Find time to go a clinic and have a test,this may reassure you all is ok

    I also think you should consider therapy as you obviously have some deep trauma

    Good Luck

    Stay Strongcool


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    • Posted

      Thanks a lot lynn. I wish I can just love free and not worry much about HIV. I want to believe so badly that I am not at risk, but I am afraid if I let my gaurd down something bad will happen to me
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  • Posted

    Celeste I totally ubderstand.

    I have had depression for 16 years my anxiety only started in December I went to a & e twice thinking I was having a heart attack or a stroke I have had lots of tests done and all are clear.

    I did not believe it was anxiety until I came onto forums like this and I realised I wasnt alone.

    Im on medication buts thats not for everyone and therapy helps you cope with it it does not cure you.

    Its is basically a switch in your brain that is broken it is telling you your in danger when your not thats what you have to try and fix or it will take over your life.

    If you have safe sex all will be ok HIV

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  • Posted

    you get hiv through ejaculate not physical contact alone.  As for the needles I would both get an HIV test and clear the air.  A lot of people have rough rides and keep quiet about it.  It was wrong of your parents to use scare tactics because it has scarred you a little about sex and relationships. And I am sorry you suffered at the hands of another male earlier in your life. You never forget it. but I hope you grow from it and learn to forgive him and forget him or no to.


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