Introduction and guilt over child’s death

I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD. I was ok until about 5-6 weeks ago. Everyone keeps asking why I cry all day. I don't know; it just feels like something literally broke in me. I felt a snap in the middle of a conversation and then my world crumbled. The physical pain can be unbearable at times-like someone is punching my heart. All I can figure is that when I lost my son 20 years ago I entered a severe depression at that time (late term stillbirth). Through meds and multiple therapists and social workers, I thought I defeated the depression. I've always had GAD, but only recently sought treatment as I was breaking my teeth from anxiety/bruxisim. I had a second depressive episode 10 years ago, but used my past tools to pull myself out within a short time. This is different and so much more debilitating. He would have celebrated his 20th birthday this past May 2023. I cannot function, have lost 15+ pounds in a month, and I know I am self sabotaging by refusing to eat for days and days. They say I have passive suicidal ideation. I am not currently active with a plan, as I have to have faith I'll see my son again and taking my life would ruin that reunion-the thought of seeing and holding him again us what's grounding me currently. The guilt of his death is killing me though. We never had another son like my husband dreamed, but did have three daughters shortly after his death. Two were in the NICU for 5 months (my other daughter was preterm and did not require intervention) and their traumatic births and start in life may play a role too; I don't know. I'm reaching for any answer. I am about to become an empty nester next year, and while my husband is excited, I feel my whole world and purpose has ended. My three surviving children were what gave me meaning and focus. Now I'm about to he left with an empty house and a broken guilt ridden heart. My PCP and the psychiatrist on staff said I'm severely depressed and upped by GAD drugs and added an SSRI. They also recommend outpatient. I'm having trouble locating a therapist locally with no waitlist who also accepts my insurance. I return to work next week and I honestly don't know how I'll get through a day without crying...the longest in the past 5-6 weeks has been 2-3 hours. I don't know what to do anymore. I purchased a bike right after my son's death and it was so sentimental and a part of my therapy. Someone stole my bike from me and the connection to my son and my healing with it. I am trying to replace the bike, but its been a year of searching. I may have found a similar one locally finally, but no one understands why it has to be a 20 year old Trek and must be identical. I have nothing but memories of my son and how I failed to protect him and how I destroyed my family's life. Anyway, that's my story and where I am at currently. My doctor said to give the meds a month, but at the rate I'm declining, I can barely get through a day. Ironically my job is to teach children how to manage emotions and to respond instead of react; yet here I am unable to heed my own advice. Thank you for listening...one day at a time as they say, or in my case now, one minute at a time.

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