Is his partial denial a cry for help or am I kidding myself?

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hi All

in previous posts I gave some background to the situation with my husband. I just wanted to say where things are now ...

So he has stayed at a friend's house for 9 nights now, longer than ever before. It has been an emotional horrible rollercoaster, with me waiting each day to see where his head will be. I have found out about troubles he had with the police which he had hidden from me (and never would have done before) and have had police knocking at my door because he hadn't bothered to contact them to deal with the issues and as far as I know he still hasn't (he says he rang and left a voicemai but hasn't followed up). We agreed last week that this was some time to get space from the intense emoional situation we were in, we were going to get our thoughts together, feel calmer and reconvene. Unfortunately instead he has been drinking every night, he has been in and out of contact and is clearly not dealing with things. Until last night he wouldn't speak to our friends or his family. I dont where he is emotionally, in relation to us as a couple or his own mental health, but I also literally don't know where he is and what he's doing and having been until all this a very loving, close and trusting couple this has been extremely hard on me so i am not feeling able to deal with things properly right now either.

Over the past couple of days we have tried to talk. He has said things that make me feel like he is so close to wanting to work on this but just can't quite do it. I asked him if he had tried to think about things and what he wants, he said he had but he can't and then his head feels a mess and he has a drink. I told him exactly how he was making me feel and he became upset and said "I don't want to do this or make you feel like this, I just can't help it sometimes."  

He said that without drink he is angry and stressed and he needs it to function "it's just how I function now." I told him this wasn't true and I feel like he is spiralling. I told him I don't think he is a proper alcoholic but I do think he has a very serious alcohol abuse problem. He said he doesn't agree. He said he is choosing to drink because he knows it makes him feel better, it's a choice not a problem. It is very hard to explain but when he is like this he looks and feels like a different person, it is as if he has a force field around him to stop him feeling or seeing or saying anything real... I feel like he really wants to be with us and is nearly there and then something pulls him away from us. He said he needs to have regular blow outs, that's what he needs to handle how rubbish he feels. i told him I worry about him and love him.

Later I spoke to his brother who had finally got in touch. His brother couldn't believe it because it is all so unlike him and he hasn't spoken to him for quite a while so really noticed the difference. He just repeated he feels horrible but doesn't really explain what he means. He has agreed to come to a marriage counselling session, he has promised to be there and I really don't think he will stand me up. I don't know where to start, I hope the MC will help us to talk and get somewhere. I feel like the things he is saying are basically that he has a drink problem but without using the words and that he knows deep down that that's what he's doing.

I feel like he is pushing himself to rock bottom, consciously/intentionally or not, he is spending time only with either people over 10 years younger who are out drinking loads without responsibilities and wih younger livers or with an older friend who has destroyed his whole life with drink and drugs. He stayed with the first for first 7 nights and then I think he felt like it was the good life (though he would tell me it wasn't), they live in town and he was out a lot and rolling into work the next day. but the last two nights he is staying with second friend, where he knows he feels terrible and bleak and down, I might be reading too much into everything (which is driving me mad but feels like all I can do at the moment with so little concrete info from him) but it feels like he's gone there to hit the bottom because both times before he's tried to get help that is where he has been...

I feel like things are worse than I thought a few days ago. I feel like I don't know what to do for the best anymore.

Sorry for the ramble I'll be grateful for any thoughts on this at all. xx

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi, I have been through a similar experience with my husband and I tried everything to get him to talk to me about his drinking. I even moved to a flat so that we could have a quiet place to talk, away from the madness that is family life. My husband was going to have a life altering operation and he couldn't cope with the thought of it. He also went drinking with younger people, colleagues from work and he would not admit that he had a drink problem. It was helping him cope with the impending operation, he said. In my experience, I had to leave him to it and let him get to rock bottom and realise for himself, the situation. This he eventually did and came to me, asking me to help him, which I did and I am happy to say that we got back together and have been happy. My husband still drinks occasionally, a measured amount. This was our story and, although, it is a difficult, sometimes you have to let them sink so low that they eventually realise that they need help. Hope this helps you a little bit. x

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    • Posted

      Thanks so much Susan hat is helpful. I know you're right. It's just all very raw and sad right now. And I'm afraid of what rock bottom will need to look like for him to feel it now. But u think I do need to let him come to me.

      Thank you x

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    • Posted

      I wouldn't presume to tell you what is best but I know it is a horrible thing you are going through. It seems that you have to wait for them to see sense, so to speak. I really wish you all the best in the world and I hope you have a good outcome. x

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  • Posted

    I think his contradictions of saying it is a choice and then later saying he can't help himself is probably a good indication that he is partially aware that there is an issue, but it can take a little while for someone to really want to have themselves believe it is a problem, let alone confirm that to someone else even though you are his wife.

    Part of the issue might be as simple as the fear of life without alcohol - if this is what he imagines getting well to mean. 

    Have you made him gently aware that there is a treatment that doesn't involve the shock of immediate abstinence, generally followed by hard relapse?  You have probably read about that here, it's called The Sinclair Method.

    For now, you are planting the seed.... and that is brilliant.  I am sure you want to sort this asap but generally, these seeds do take a little while to grow.

    The best way for him to get well again, is generally the one that he will chose himself.

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    • Posted

      Thank you Joanna I am planning the aged and I mentioned about SM and sent him a link. I think there is a seed because twice in the past 10 months he has been able to admit fully it is a problem. But each time he starts to drink again but in a modified way which is think let's him convince himself that the problem has gone. I need to try to back off but let him know I'm there if/when he's ready.

      Thank you

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    • Posted

      I was like your husband not admitting that I had a problem and everything just spiralled out of control. He has to realise that he has a real problem. Sorry to be going but I think I am telling the truth and have the experience.
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