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in previous posts I gave some background to the situation with my husband. I just wanted to say where things are now ...
So he has stayed at a friend's house for 9 nights now, longer than ever before. It has been an emotional horrible rollercoaster, with me waiting each day to see where his head will be. I have found out about troubles he had with the police which he had hidden from me (and never would have done before) and have had police knocking at my door because he hadn't bothered to contact them to deal with the issues and as far as I know he still hasn't (he says he rang and left a voicemai but hasn't followed up). We agreed last week that this was some time to get space from the intense emoional situation we were in, we were going to get our thoughts together, feel calmer and reconvene. Unfortunately instead he has been drinking every night, he has been in and out of contact and is clearly not dealing with things. Until last night he wouldn't speak to our friends or his family. I dont where he is emotionally, in relation to us as a couple or his own mental health, but I also literally don't know where he is and what he's doing and having been until all this a very loving, close and trusting couple this has been extremely hard on me so i am not feeling able to deal with things properly right now either.
Over the past couple of days we have tried to talk. He has said things that make me feel like he is so close to wanting to work on this but just can't quite do it. I asked him if he had tried to think about things and what he wants, he said he had but he can't and then his head feels a mess and he has a drink. I told him exactly how he was making me feel and he became upset and said "I don't want to do this or make you feel like this, I just can't help it sometimes."
He said that without drink he is angry and stressed and he needs it to function "it's just how I function now." I told him this wasn't true and I feel like he is spiralling. I told him I don't think he is a proper alcoholic but I do think he has a very serious alcohol abuse problem. He said he doesn't agree. He said he is choosing to drink because he knows it makes him feel better, it's a choice not a problem. It is very hard to explain but when he is like this he looks and feels like a different person, it is as if he has a force field around him to stop him feeling or seeing or saying anything real... I feel like he really wants to be with us and is nearly there and then something pulls him away from us. He said he needs to have regular blow outs, that's what he needs to handle how rubbish he feels. i told him I worry about him and love him.
Later I spoke to his brother who had finally got in touch. His brother couldn't believe it because it is all so unlike him and he hasn't spoken to him for quite a while so really noticed the difference. He just repeated he feels horrible but doesn't really explain what he means. He has agreed to come to a marriage counselling session, he has promised to be there and I really don't think he will stand me up. I don't know where to start, I hope the MC will help us to talk and get somewhere. I feel like the things he is saying are basically that he has a drink problem but without using the words and that he knows deep down that that's what he's doing.
I feel like he is pushing himself to rock bottom, consciously/intentionally or not, he is spending time only with either people over 10 years younger who are out drinking loads without responsibilities and wih younger livers or with an older friend who has destroyed his whole life with drink and drugs. He stayed with the first for first 7 nights and then I think he felt like it was the good life (though he would tell me it wasn't), they live in town and he was out a lot and rolling into work the next day. but the last two nights he is staying with second friend, where he knows he feels terrible and bleak and down, I might be reading too much into everything (which is driving me mad but feels like all I can do at the moment with so little concrete info from him) but it feels like he's gone there to hit the bottom because both times before he's tried to get help that is where he has been...
I feel like things are worse than I thought a few days ago. I feel like I don't know what to do for the best anymore.
Sorry for the ramble I'll be grateful for any thoughts on this at all. xx
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