Is it depression?

Posted , 6 users are following.

I don't want to call what I'm going through as depression. I don't want to self-diagnose myself. Let me try to explain how I feel and what I am going through. First of all, you should know that for as long as I can remember, I have had many waves if sadness in my life. Thankfully, between each wave, I used to have this period of time where I was able to get back on my feet and to get ready for the next one. Lately though, it seems like life just wants me to stay down. The waves are bigger now, they are stronger now. They hit me, over and over. They refuse to calm down, to let me gasp for breath and get back up. It hurts. It is tiring and exhausting. I try to tell myself to have faith (I am surrounded by many religious people) but nothing changes. It is still bringing me down- I am still hanging on by a thread.

All bad memories rush and resurface in my mind. It is quite sad, to say the least. I cannot remember all the good times I have spent with my family or friends- but when it comes to the bad memories, I am able to remember them all in a snap. It's like life does not want me to forget. It wants me to be in pain constantly. With all these memories flashing before my eyes, I have come to a conclusion; I am a burden. I do not deserve the food i am eating. I do not deserve the clothes I am wearing. I do not deserve the education I am getting. I do not deserve anything at all. I deserve pain and negativity. I deserve to feel sad 24/7. I am not a good sister, a good friend or a good daughter. As much as I hate hearing it, I do indeed deserve pain.

Talking to my parents about how I feel is something I would rather not do. I am not intending on doing it, ever. I do not wish for them to think that they have done something wrong, I do not wish for them to waste even more money on me for therapy sessions, I do not want them to worry for a being like me. One that deserves whatever they are going through.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    hi lily, you don't deserve all the pain, upset and anguish, why should you? you deserve support, understanding and being listened to, you may not speak to your parents, you would be NO burden to people who counsel or support others. this isn't just your lot, it shouldn't be! you're as bad as me VERY harsh on yourself! ask for help don't feel bad and look after you! as.for family - they're tough to know what you do with them!

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  • Posted

    Hi Lily

    No one deserves pain or misery... If you want to talk it through, try speaking with a professional.

    The good thing is, if you can feel pain and misery you'll also be able to feel joy... You just need to learn how.

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    • Posted

      i have tried, believe me. I have spent many days trying to find the good in any kind of situation. But whenever things start to look better according to me, everything goes downhill. It is like i take one step forward, then two to three steps back. Its tiring. I tell many friends that there is light at the end of the tunnel whenever they are going through tough times, but i cannot see the light in my case. I cant listen to my own advice because of how wrong it sounds. I don't see anything but darkness. I'm alone in a tunnel. Its cold, even though my inner thoughts surround me completely.

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    • Posted

      i am in this tunnel with you 100%. my therapist even asked today about how life was before i turned into this person i have become and i couldnt even come up with an answer...

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  • Posted

    there is nothing worse than being alone with our own thoughts. I myself am guilty of that. It sends you down the dark hole of despair and depression.but it doesn’t have to stay that way. It’s not so much what happens to us in our life as it is how we respond to it and our attitude.it definitely sounds like you have depression going on and I would highly recommend that you speak with a counselor about this.

    I have found that when I talk to others such as a counselor, I get a different perspective on everything. There are things that they can share with you that you hadn’t thought of before. It’s a new outlook. That’s what you need right now instead of just listening to your thoughts . you are very deserving of a joyful peaceful life.

    there are many stories of people that I have found on YouTube that have come out of a horrible childhood or other terrible situations after being very depressed and had given up. don’t give up on yourself. as for your parents, I’m sure they would want to know what’s going on and would want to help you. I am a parent myself and I would be heartbroken if my child was suffering like that and didn’t let me know. There’s a lot of help out there! Let them help you. Time to take care of you!

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  • Edited

    I can understand what you are going through. But you are not a burden. You are someone who deserves everything good in life. You don't deserve pain. You deserve to be heard and to be happy. You need someone to talk to you and be there for you. Try to talk to who ever you feel close to, they are your biggest supporters right now. Don't think of therapy sessions as waste of money, they can be your way out from this situation. Since you can't talk to your parents, a therapist can be someone you can share things with and fully trust. Hoping for the best for you, please take care of yourself.

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