Posted , 6 users are following.
For the past 3 months I have been struggling with anxiety in regards to my relationship, which was triggered by an event on New Year’s Eve. Right now, I am done with college and living at home to save up money while my boyfriend is in medical school 2.5 hours away. Our relationship has been great and very passionate, we’re almost going on two years of dating. We both have discussed marriage and children and want all of the same things for our future, and I was planning on moving to his city so that we could be closer. After NYE though, everything changed and my life has been in shambles. On NYE, I went to visit my boyfriend so that we could be together for the ball drop. Originally, we were going to do something by ourselves, but we ended up going out to some bars with his roommate who he has been friends with since high school. We feel kind of bad for his roommate because all he does is smoke weed all day and he hasn’t had a girlfriend in years; he’s more of the loner type (no offense) so we thought it’d be nice to invite him out with us. That night, I got very drunk, which I was okay with because my boyfriend was there to protect me and I didn’t think anything bad would happen. Before midnight, we went to a bar and sat at a table together, and when midnight hit, I walked over to my boyfriend and kissed him of course. I remember feeling bad for his friend though because he was all alone on New Years with no one to kiss (I feel bad easily). The rest of the night was a blur but at one point, I remember my boyfriend’s roommate asking or mentioning how he didn’t get a New Years kiss so in my drunken state I leaned in and kissed his ear (I was probably aiming for his cheek but I was very drunk). As I sobered up a bit, I started to become really ashamed and I started crying and told my boyfriend I kissed his friend’s ear. I felt so ashamed and dirty, especially because my boyfriend was cheated on in the past and I didn’t want him thinking I was like that. I know I would only do something like that innocently but it was out of character for me so it deeply disturbed me. The months following that event were rough. I constantly replayed the event in my head over and over and obsessed over it and wondered why I would do something like that and I built up so much self hate. I started getting anxiety chest pains everyday, I lost sleep for almost 2 months (I couldn’t fall asleep or my brain would wake me up at 2 am every night and I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night), and I started to feel disconnected from my surroundings and my boyfriend. I also lost about 10 pounds in two months unintentionally because of the anxiety. It got to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed anymore for work, and I am still struggling with that. Ever since this anxiety from that event, I feel like I’ve lost love for my boyfriend and it’s so scary. I made myself feel so gross and unlovable over something little, and I’m afraid I pushed my feelings away for my boyfriend due to feeling unworthy. My boyfriend didn’t care at all about the event but I obsessed and obsessed for months, and now I’m scared I destroyed the relationship on my end. It scares me that seeing my boyfriend doesn’t excite me anymore and that I feel so disconnected from him. I feel no passion and no spark. I want to feel all those things so badly and I know they’re there deep down and want them to come back! But then I think, what if I fell out of love because of all that and didn’t know it? Is that possible? I started seeing a therapist and she thinks it’s all anxiety related and that I have to get to the bottom of that first but the thing is that the relationship seems to be causing me anxiety and I don’t want it to be. I want to be able to be happy again and be able to feel passion for my boyfriend. I wish these past few months never happened. My boyfriend and I were so in love before and I want that back!! If anyone has any input, it would be greatly appreciated. I’m not sure what I’m going through right now, but it really sucks! Has anyone else dealt with something similar to this?
0 likes, 12 replies