Is it depression/anxiety or did I fall out of love? Please help!

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi everyone,

For the past 3 months I have been struggling with anxiety in regards to my relationship, which was triggered by an event on New Year’s Eve. Right now, I am done with college and living at home to save up money while my boyfriend is in medical school 2.5 hours away. Our relationship has been great and very passionate, we’re almost going on two years of dating. We both have discussed marriage and children and want all of the same things for our future, and I was planning on moving to his city so that we could be closer. After NYE though, everything changed and my life has been in shambles. On NYE, I went to visit my boyfriend so that we could be together for the ball drop. Originally, we were going to do something by ourselves, but we ended up going out to some bars with his roommate who he has been friends with since high school. We feel kind of bad for his roommate because all he does is smoke weed all day and he hasn’t had a girlfriend in years; he’s more of the loner type (no offense) so we thought it’d be nice to invite him out with us. That night, I got very drunk, which I was okay with because my boyfriend was there to protect me and I didn’t think anything bad would happen. Before midnight, we went to a bar and sat at a table together, and when midnight hit, I walked over to my boyfriend and kissed him of course. I remember feeling bad for his friend though because he was all alone on New Years with no one to kiss (I feel bad easily). The rest of the night was a blur but at one point, I remember my boyfriend’s roommate asking or mentioning how he didn’t get a New Years kiss so in my drunken state I leaned in and kissed his ear (I was probably aiming for his cheek but I was very drunk). As I sobered up a bit, I started to become really ashamed and I started crying and told my boyfriend I kissed his friend’s ear. I felt so ashamed and dirty, especially because my boyfriend was cheated on in the past and I didn’t want him thinking I was like that. I know I would only do something like that innocently but it was out of character for me so it deeply disturbed me. The months following that event were rough. I constantly replayed the event in my head over and over and obsessed over it and wondered why I would do something like that and I built up so much self hate. I started getting anxiety chest pains everyday, I lost sleep for almost 2 months (I couldn’t fall asleep or my brain would wake me up at 2 am every night and I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night), and I started to feel disconnected from my surroundings and my boyfriend. I also lost about 10 pounds in two months unintentionally because of the anxiety. It got to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed anymore for work, and I am still struggling with that. Ever since this anxiety from that event, I feel like I’ve lost love for my boyfriend and it’s so scary. I made myself feel so gross and unlovable over something little, and I’m afraid I pushed my feelings away for my boyfriend due to feeling unworthy. My boyfriend didn’t care at all about the event but I obsessed and obsessed for months, and now I’m scared I destroyed the relationship on my end. It scares me that seeing my boyfriend doesn’t excite me anymore and that I feel so disconnected from him. I feel no passion and no spark. I want to feel all those things so badly and I know they’re there deep down and want them to come back! But then I think, what if I fell out of love because of all that and didn’t know it? Is that possible? I started seeing a therapist and she thinks it’s all anxiety related and that I have to get to the bottom of that first but the thing is that the relationship seems to be causing me anxiety and I don’t want it to be. I want to be able to be happy again and be able to feel passion for my boyfriend. I wish these past few months never happened. My boyfriend and I were so in love before and I want that back!! If anyone has any input, it would be greatly appreciated. I’m not sure what I’m going through right now, but it really sucks! Has anyone else dealt with something similar to this?

0 likes, 12 replies

Report / Delete

12 Replies

  • Posted

    Also, because my sleep got so bad because of that small event, I was put on and SSRI and anxiety medication about a month ago. I feel a little bit better but just not myself. I don't feel happy or look forward to anything anymore. My birthday is this month and I have a Hawaii trip planned for the end of May and I'm not excited at all.

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    your therapist is right you need to get to the bottom of this and explore these feelings . FOR what its worth most relationships have the honeymoon period and two years is not unusual for sexual alure to tapper off . RELATIONSHIPS are not based on just sex and unless your aspirations and what you wanted for you future have not changed I think you should not overthink the situation . WERE you disappointed with your BF reaction ? IT is not wrong to change your feelings but harder to admit them but you need to be honest with yourself and explore root of matter and not over analyse any blame or feelings of disloyalty and unworthyness as you are a good person and im sure things will resolve .

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi david84938, thank you so much for your reply. Well when i brought up the peck on the ear thing the next morning, he said it's not a big deal but if I keep talking about it, it'll make it weird. I didn't like my loss of control so it was hard not to obsess over it. I brought it up a few more times to him in the month of January and he said its literally not a big deal and it was innocent. Once he said that, I started to feel better but then we went to a party and he got jealous over something which he never usually does so i freaked out and thought that i lost his trust and thats when the obsession became really bad, I started losing sleep, became really down and started to feel disconnected from my boyfriend. I saw a doctor and they believed I was suffering from anxiety and depression because of the event so I went on meds. I still feel weird towards my boyfriend though and I don't want to be. I hate it so much. I pray that i am just going through a depression episode and the feelings will come back.

      Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    HI chrissy

    I am no doubt somewhat older than you and I MYSELF am on SERTRALINE for depression and max dose at that . I KNOW most people on here swear by them but i after 2 years am no better with my OcD OR BDD indeed my own gp has said that only this last week . IF anything i found sertraline made me feel like a zombie just existing and functioning it made me void of feelings to myself and partner and surpressed any sexual desire . DO have a think about what ive said as AD I FEEL rob you of your ability to feel or think . ALSO if your in such turmoil have a break from your BF and concentrate on you. I almost lost my partner over low self esteem and lifelong wrong values and i am only now at 57 picking my way through . Good luck and dont beat yourself up

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hi Chrissy - good on you for consulting a therapist. I would suggest there is something buried deep within that has been triggered - some distant memory or perhaps - and excuse the new world stuff - something connected to a previous existence. You wrote it clearly - "My boyfriend didn't care at all about this event," so the issue is not with him. Keep seeing that therapist - perhaps regression therapy might help dig it out. I means, let's face it - you gave a lonely man a thoughtful gift on his ear, missing his cheek because you were lubricated with booze and New Year Cheer. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, but it's stirred something within and seeking an answer is the best you can do for now. Would time out from the boyfriend help you concentrate on solving the matter? Would he understand that? Make sure you let him know it's about you and not him. He's not to blame, is he?

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi Wayne,

      I believe it is something deeper as well since the act itself was not a big deal. However, my reaction to it was very severe, especially the fact that it has given me months of insomnia. My boyfriend did nothing wrong; it's definitely a completely separate issue and I hope to dig it up through therapy. I mentioned going on a break but he was very distraught and said that he wants to help me get through this, so I am hoping with time and therapy the relationship will go back to normal. I can't lose him, that's all I know, and I know this whole thing is very irrational but I have no control over it sadly. Doing the best that I can at the moment.

      Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    I know how you feel! I LOVED TO A NEW CITY and i have fallen out of love with my husband! I HOPE you can fall back in love with your boyfriend. I really do. I have been depressed since we moved to IRVINE. this is not home. I need to move back to GLENDALE ( LA). i feel everything you are writing. It feels so oppressing! like WHAT HAPPENED? ? I AM SO SORRY. i pray for both of us to be in love with our beloveds. this is torture. at least you have a good therpaist. I DO NOT. I NEED TO FIND ONE.

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi vanessastar, i'm so glad im not alone!!! Im so sorry though, i wouldnt wish these feelings upon anyone. im hurting so much due to my lack of feeling for my boyfriend at the moment, and i just want things to go back to normal. how have you been feeling exactly towards your husband if you dont mind me asking? I think you should really look into a therapist, it really helps!! Therapy helps me a lot but i cant help but think what if these are my real feelings??? I was so in love so I dont understand how one small event can change my feelings. I pray that this is just a phase.

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      SWEETIE, I AM SO SORRY this is happening to you. IT IS torture. You are right. i would not wish this on ANYONE. UNfortunetly i have endured a sexless marriage for to long. He just buried himself in work for so many years. and i would usually fall in a terrible depression and anxiety would set in i would lose weight and not eat. AND EVERY time I would get better and try again for my marriage. THIS TIME , still with him

      I AM 41 ,

      and moving to this boring city where i cant do my acting and have no purpose is hell. I feel like I AM so hurt and angry i literally shut down. I am so sad THERE HAVE some good sexual moments probably 3 in the last 2 years. I gave him an ultimatum, i told

      him he needed to go get his testosterone checked He finally is taking TESTOSTERONE AND HE SAYS I LOVE YOU all the time and tells me how gorgeous i am. I STARTED watching videos on youtube anything that relates to me, my marriage or my situation. I FOUND DR. Doug WEISS and he talks about the sexual anorexia. That has been my husband since we got married and teo years before we got married. but i had similar situation to one you had on NYE. when i was young 22 and I FREAKED OUT. I REALLY did kiss another guy, while my boyfriend ( who is my husband now) was away at BERKELY UNIVERSITY. it threw me into the pit of despair. HOW COULD I DO THIS! I FELT like , " WHO AM I. I AM planning in tow years to marry my boyfriend and i just kiss and list after this OTHER guy" WHAT about my values and principles and integrity. IT was awful. NOW i am in this situation, where he has not loved me or wanted or seduced me. i feel so empty so dried up. like a plant without water. I Don't know how to revive the love or revive myself.

      I LOVE him because he is my best friend and he is the father of my children. i dont have the same sexual feeling or passion. but i want to make love to him, I MEAN really make love to him. i have so many people praying for me and they all say give it time it will come back you will fall inlove with him again. I want to feel that joy that attraction towards him! i keep saying to GOD; WHY, why isn't there? THIS IS so painful! I DONT want this to be the end. I KEEP saying i am not asking for a ferrari or mansion or something outrageous. i just want to be in love with my husband again, now. Sweetie, this is my email : Vanessa simonstar@hotmail.com

      or we could facebook. Aryanna Toni

      Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hello my names Leela. I call a supportive helpline like Samaritans or even emergency services. They gave me so much love, attention, help and diagnosed me with depression. Now i'm 50 years old and happily on anti-depressants (happy pills) because i didnt have enough happy cells in my brain so i had to top them up. I feel much better now. Also they let me try out all different kinds of therapy to help me feel better and learn to love myself and forgive myself for all the mistakes i'd made in my life.

    Many many people would be heartbroken if you took your life, including me ! And i dont even know you personally but so many of us feel or felt that same way you do now. So we are all in it together. You are not alone. Just ask for help. Call the emergency services and you will realise just how loved you really are...to people who dont even know you personally !

    Lots and lots of sympathetic hugs from your new friend Leela Davis xxx

    Report / Delete Reply

Join this discussion or start a new one?

New discussion Reply

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up