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I am a 19 year old guy and often feel alot of my friendships as "fading" or euphoric. Even with my parents. Its not to the extreme of I think my family will start to not like me but to the point of if there was no other reason than being related to me then I dont think they would talk to me.
Now, I've always felt like an outcast in my family and in school and at work. I just dont feel like I relate to anyone on any level that I find special. Social interaction confuses me and scares me alot to where im not a very interesting person because im afraid to say anything. This doesnt help with making or keeping friends. But in every relationship im in I am incredibly awkward and just dont feel on they same page, especially with family. I dont understand that. I feel like I should connect with my mom or my dad or even my sister but I just feel weird and alone.
The fact that I shrival up into a shell of a person and the fact that Im awkward when I try break from that shell I always feel like my "friends" even consider me so. I feel like they think im great at first but then they realize that im just a boring and uninteresting person and soon just act differently around me. I overthink things heavily and I often look for little "signs" for if people are avoiding me. It could be as simple as not sitting next to me at a table when they could have or if they dont text me outside of work or whatever. Which is stupid because I dont consider this from their point of veiw because I dont text people or worry about sitting next to them or anything. I dont want to be the person who hangs out in only groups but never as a pair. You know? That one kid in a group of "friends" that everyone can only bear if they are with other people too. I fear that so much.
Here's another thing, I help people alot when I get a chance because Im so scared of people leaving me or being bored of me that I try to prove to them I can be useful. People call me nice and they try to pay me back for buying them food and what not but I just really want their friendship. I cant help but feel every friendship will end within a year or 2 for me, mainly because Ive never had a friend for over a year and a half. I just feel like friendships are fleeting for me and I constanly worry about my firends being bored of me and them trying to avoid me entirely.
A major problem with keeping friends for me is that I get major anxiety from asking people out. Im an introvert but if I love to hang out with my friends all the time. Problem is, im scared to ask anyone to hang out because I feel like im bothering them or Im putting them in a position where they have to avoid me or when they get my text or call they mumble to themselves that "its this guy again." I hate that so much, so I just dont ask people to hang out because I figure if they wanted to hang out they would text me when they can. Issue with that is that what if they do want to hang out all the time and Im giving them the cold shoulder? I dont want to give that impression because I want to hang out with them and not miss out of memories.
This back and forth arguement happens all the time and Im always wondering how do people stay close together. I dont find myself very interesting. In fact, I hate everything about me, so I cant really convey any interesting qualities to anyone if I dont find myself very interesting and thus I go into a spiral of my friends trying to avoid me.
Romantic relationships are even worse. I feel like a romantic interest will get bored with me on the first date because thats when I am the most huddled up in my shell and afraid to say anything. It makes for an awkward dinner or movie or whatever the hell we do and I hate awkwardness. I also get outragously jealous and I know its outragous yet I let it destroy me on the inside. We dont even have to be together for me to get jealous. I could be a girl I like and i might think she likes me too but then she buys another guy friend food or something insignificant and I bum myself out because I think:
1.) Of course she doesnt like me how stupid could I be
2.) Im so nice to her how could she not think of me.
Bot of which are incredibly selfish and completely ridiculous. I consider myself a horrible person especially when I have thoughts like #2.
I have been trying to accept and live with the expectation of being alone forever but sometimes that reality is too heavy for me to deal with and it gets really bad but I usually bounce back after 2 or more weeks of my normal sad feelings.
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