Is it safe?

I found the forum today and from what I see Pregabalin makes a mess in your body, wityhdrawal symptoms are really bad and if a doctor prescribes Pregabalin as 1st time anxiety drug its a bad doctor because there are better and safer options.

I am autistic (Asperger Syndrome) and have anxiety related to stuff like looking for a job, moving out or even going on a trip by myself somewhere I have never been before. I am afraid of public trasportation and crowded waiting rooms so even doctor appointment is troublesome for me. And daily life such as shopping also causes me anxiety(I get afraid everytime mom says we don't have eonugh money to buy something I want - I return to thinking its lal my fault we dont have money and  should pay for things with my own money but if I spend my pocket money I won't have ny money in case we really need money for some unknown emergancy because mom doesn't have any savings anymore and dad yells at us when mom asks him for money).

2,5 weeks ago I had a meltdown/anxiety attack because my dad returned home after a long absence and started his regular abuse and I realized it will be like this again. I had other problems when he wasn't there (some job interviews and anxiety related to them) so I was already on the edge and the last thing I needed was dad yelling at me for being spoiled brat respecting noone and not even trying to get a job despite trying to get a job and being very stressed by being unable to get one. 

I freaked out, escaped the house and refused to go back and ended up in hospital emergency due to crying and not being able to calm down (mom took me there).

I am on Pregabalin since then. First week it was 75mg once a day, now it is 75mg twice a day(150mg a day) and I am supposed to go on 150mg twice a day (300mg a day). For the first week I was on both Spamilan and Pregabalin but Spamilan caused so bad side effects to me(diziness, headaches, loosing balance as well as tinnus and visual snow increase - getting worse and worse everyday) that I decided to go see the doctor a week ealrier than appointment date and she told me to give up on Spamilan and that Pregabalin will be enough because they are "all the same".

Pregabalin doesn't seem to cause any side effects to me except some green vision upon waking up (bright while lights and shining objects have green tint)-  but it disapears withoin half of second, some ocasional double vision on high contrast stuff (but I had it before so it might not be related to the drug) and itchy left eye (could be unrelated). I also found that my mental abilities dropped - I can't go into my hyperfocus mode anymore which is a bad thing. I get irritable and confused because of random focus drops.

I am afraid because the doctor isn't probably too good (free health service, you go there on start of day and wait for your turn, in a crowded room) and she didn't talk to me much before prescribing the medicine. And I don't see improvement. Spamiln was as bad as it was but while I was taking it I seen the improvement(or perhps it was because I was taking both Pregabalin and Spamilan at the same time?) - my emotions were dull and I fould it hard to cry and easier to think logically. I don't see the effect on Pregabalin alone. Actually I had an anxiety attack a few days ago and it went away after I took a 5mg pill of Spamilan. But unfortunatelly the calmness came with bad side affects again.

Now I wonder.

Is there a point in increasing Pregabalin dose? Does it even help? Does it do anything at all? What if it makes me a worse person? Hyperfocus and inteligence were always my best qualities and if I lose them there won't be anymore point for me to live because I will be totally useless as a person.

And what if I decide to stay on Pregabalin and then get withdrawal symptoms? Should I increase the dose like the doctor says? Or should I start withdrawing before its too late and try different medicine?

Next appointment with this doctor is 29.12 but mom signed me to another doctor on 22.11. It will be my first appointment with that one but it's apparently a good doctor (you need to book an appointment 2 months ahead and you go there on specific hour). Should I stay on my current dose of Pregbalin and wait for her/his opinion or should I increase the dose like the current doctor says and risk withdrawal symptoms if the new doctor says I shouldn't be on Pregabalin? 

I also got a "dirrecting paper" to "a" therapist/psychologist but I am supposed to find the therapist by myself and I have no idea how to find a good one because I dealth with many therapists before and noone ever helped me because they ask for stuff I don't understand, such as "How are you?" and "How do you feel about it?".

I believe the best therapy for me would be chalenges such as "Go downstairs and ask for this paper than bring it to me", "Go to local libriry and borrow this book then read it" or "Travel to that city by train and visit that shop" so eventually I would gain confidence that I can deal with such things by myself. Mulling over feelings only makes it worse because the more I focus on feelings the more confusing the situation gets. I need to see there is nothing to be afraid of, not realize that I am afraid and find the reasons why I am afraid. I kow why I am afraid - because I was abused my whole life by peers and dad. But thinking about it only makes me want to cry and  am feeling hopeless. "They destroyed me. If only I had better childhood I would be allrigth now". It doesn't solve the problem. Focusing on it only makes me want to kill myself despite the fact I don't actually wnat to kill myself - I want to be capable and live a good life and I know I can do it if only I get a chance.

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