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Is my life going to get better ? why i feel like i am cursed

Posted , 6 users are following.

imad4
imad4

Hi I Am going to tell you my story I am really sorry about my english 

I am a pretty shy person When I was at elementary school I Never talked to anyone some of them thought I have mental problem of course I got bullied calling names I almost failed my first year in school cause I never talked they called my dad came and stand next to me and they asked me some question but i didnt answer my dad beats me in front of all students i got passed and moved to anther school after that day i hated my dad i barely talked to him my new school the same i never talked but i was good at exams on paper I hated school so bad all i want was go back home and play then I start sleeping most the classes i was bored i tried to talk but i couldnt they keep calling my dad and my dad and mum shout at me and dont let me play or watching tv all my brothers hated me cause they in the same school with me

and all the school know me the carzy kid thats sleep all the classes when i got into the middle school I start talking but with the teachers but i still sleep most of the classes I got into a lot of fights but my brothers helped me 

then we moved into anther school this was the worst for me i got bullied so hard people throw shoes on my head when i am sleeping throw water and teachers do nothing just laughing and saying wake up In high school i start talking to anyone but i couldnt make any friends I was really sad and siting alone everyday sometimes my brother tell me come and let me sit with hes friends i hated my life so bad i thought of killing my self so many times but didnt do it i was so afraid I didnt know whats was my problem back then when i got into college in the first week i didnt do anything people start talk to each other and i was alone the second week noting i was alone stand outside all of them went to eat lunch i was crying that day someone called a guy in front of me then the guy called me i was really happy and that guy was my first friend i ever have

but all my storys was a lie i got anther one after anther after graduation everyone left me i dont know whats the problem the only one left is my first friend and he barely talk to me if i didnt call he dont call back

 I am a paramedic now when i was in my internship (last year) I was shivering and sweating with the patients my mentor keep saying to me relax i am trying but nothing i dont know why i pick this major i blame my self everyday for this i cant work like this and i am not afraid of blood that what my mentor think but i didnt tell him that but when i am alone with the patients i did good with someone i start geting nervers and think like what if i failed  

above all that i am gay i hate to say it but yeah i am i will never have a family how i am going to tell my family that i think i have to run away but for me they are my everything without them I am completely alone i am really tired from this life all i ever want it is to have fiends and be happy like normal person i am 23 now but inside i feel like i still child i cry alot no one knows how weak i am 

whats make me sad is in high school i told to my self that i am going to die alone by killing my self 

I AM LOST I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO I DONT THINK MY LIFE IS GOING TO GET BETTER BUT I DONT WANT TO DIE NOT LIKE THIS 

1 like, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • mum2angelalex
    mum2angelalex imad4

    Posted

    Oh imad, do you realise how amazing you are that despite all of this you have managed to train as a paramedic? I have always wanted to do that job but never had the courage to do it, that says a lot about you and it certainly means you are NOT weak!

    I also experienced what you did through school and was so glad to leave, I struggled to find friends and experienced bullying. I feel I have pushed all my friends away because of my depression I guess people don't want to hang out with depressed people. I got tired of pretending I was ok all the time to sustain the friendship.

    Do not feel bad just because you are gay, we can't choose our genetic make-up and we live in an age where young people are accepting of people no matter their sexual preferences. My daughter has a few gay friends both male and female and she couldn't give a hoot she loves them for who they are.

    If your family loves you they will accept you too even if it takes a little time. At the very least they cannot expect you to pretend to be someone you're not, they are probably proud of your achievements, I would be!

    Just think if you took your life all the people that won't benefit from your life saving skills in the future. I remember my partner calling an ambulance when I suffered a severe panic attack and thought I was dying, I'll never forget that paramedic who sat and held my hand for over an hour and helped me breath and calm down. I would love to be able to do that for another.

    Talk to a doctor about how you are feeling, they are the first step in the right direction and can open doors to other resources. Could you not talk to one of your brothers?

    We are here and know what you are going through and care about you. You are not alone!

  • Rainboy
    Rainboy imad4

    Posted

    What an amazing man you are. I endorse every word of mum2angelalex's lovely reply.

    I have struggled with depression and related conditions, and as a person, I have never felt truly comfortable in my own skin. It feels as if my whole life has not been lived by the 'real me'.

    The thought of losing someone that has been through so much and despite everything, qualified to be a life-saving Paramedic, is simply unthinkable. This world we live in is so screwed up, we cannot afford to be without people of courage, honesty, and heart. People like you.

    Even though you are a complete stranger, after reading your story, I could weep at the thought of you acting on your closing words.

    It is not just your life that is precious, but the person you are inside. I sense a strong element of humanity in you. Please, I implore you, don't deprive yourself and countless others in the future, from receiving the benefit of your skills and the warmth of your sincerity.

    Love and best wishes.

  • acutouchcure
    acutouchcure imad4

    Posted

    Hi Imad, I can feel what you are going through, i felt just the post of mum2angelalex is sufficient for you, and i know it is. Just could not stop myself as i dont want to miss interacting with such a beautiful soul. You are a wonderful person Imad and just do the best you can and believe me this world needs you. There are many people who unknowingly do so much to this world, you are doing a great job Imad. I wish i could have contributed like you. i would just say look at the beautiful world around you everything is for you. And the people in pain need your help to enjoy the same beautiful world. 
  • elizabeth20203
    elizabeth20203 imad4

    Posted

    Hello Imad, I really felt for you for what your young self went through, you got through that and becoming a paramedic, what an acheivement that is. I bet some of them bullies haven't suceeded like you have, and if they could read your story now they would be astonished. You are a survivor now not a victim and your job shows how much compassion you have for others despite your difficult childhood. I had a difficult childhood and i haven't acheived as much as you. ( I felt like i failed as a daughter, a wife, and a mother ). I know that now i am a good grand mother to my two beautiful grandchildren. Please do not think about ending your precious life, it is so final and you deserve to find happiness. ( My husband took his own life which is why i felt i failed as a wife and it was very difficult bringing my girls up without support and the stigma we all endured. I know you find it difficult to talk to others but have you thought about counselling, it can help you to come to terms with the past and deal with some of the feelings and emotions that you have held in for so long. Counselling helped me over the years. I came to terms with knowing that i was not to blame for my chidhood and my husbands choice to die. You to can come to terms with your childhood, you are not to blame for events that happened outside of your control, you was a child. You are now an adult and you can hold your head up and you have a lifetiime to live. Do not let the bullies win. I wish you the best and anytime you need to come to this forum you will get support and encouragement.

    Elizabeth.

  • arwen1972
    arwen1972 imad4

    Posted

    Don't you see how incredible you are? I do. You are so brave and strong. Can you talk to your doctor about how you feel? There is no shame in needing some help.x
  • imad4
    imad4

    Posted

    Thanx guys you have no idea how much your words mean to me you guys are the only once that know my past and how i feel

    And my biggest secret thats no one in my life knows

    I cant come out to my family they are religious being gay to them its a sin so i will keep this later lets hope they make me work at another city

    Last night was tough for me I was really close of doing something stupid but there's always a voice in my head that stop me of doing anything stupid

    I never thought of talking to a doctor but i will put that in mind

    I feel better now thanks to you guys and my brother for text me for stupid thing 😂 I didn't eat for 3 days i am starving now and i need to study 😁

    I hope my life will get better

    And thanks again

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