Is my marriage abusive?

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What makes me uncomfortable

 

·         When being aggressive or hateful toward the dogs, sometimes treat them with what for me is violent and some violet language too, on front of the kids. Sometimes suggesting that he can kill the dog himself.

·         Sometimes, when I say something…he says… “are you stupid or what”

·         When our son who rarely gets an 8 and all his degrees are above 9.4, gets a 9.2, is asked why didn’t he get a 10 instead as 9.2 is not good enough for him (my son cries and says why daddy wants him to be perfect)

·         When he tells the kids to p*ss off

·         If the kids don’t like the food, he says to shut up and eat

·         When he requires something from me, sometimes, quite often tells me he doesn’t care, leave what you are doing and do what I say

·         Sometimes I feel I have lost myself in my marriage… now I am even unsure if what happens at home is normal or not, I feel it is not.

·         When I am driving, there is sometimes, rages of anger if I missed a road, with high tones of voices, as If I am stupid…. I get very stress and my legs kind of shake…. I never had an accident or even scratch a car. With kids in the back.

·         If I pick something in the shop he may object for any reason, or I feel so this way, im not sure if this is normal or not… but I feel I need to ask for approval…I am trying to do it without it but kind of expect it.

·         I feel, and I stress this because I am so unsure… I feel that he picks on me… as to find faults.

·         I feel, and express… that nothing of what I do is enough to make him happy, no matter if it is work (we work together) or if It is household… it feels that is never enough.

·         When he requests something the whole family has to follow, but to a request of mine as have clean feel before putting them in the sofa… seems to be like if I am bothering (maybe, you never know).

·         I have explained the kids that our family is not normal, when I ask if they knew why… the said… the lies, the insults and something else I don’t remember.  This was like a kind of wake up…

·         My child was expressing the discomfort about daddy talking to him the way he did… so I said, you didn’t like It I guess?  He said no… and the way he talks to you… However they love their dad.

 Excesive phonecalls during the day.. some of them without any reason, only to say whatever...sometimes it is too much.

But at the same time I think he is a good father and get very confuse with the loving behaviour and the so many times he says that he loves me… and then this behaviour. I am not saying this is an everyday thing, but it is something rather frequent, my children say that they see me constantly stress and I am wondering if this thing above has any kind of effect in my level of stress…   In front of everyone he is very friendly and all looks really fine, but I am embarrassed to tell my friends or family this kind of things…   sometimes I feel I am living one life, the one that goes outside my house and the one that goes inside it…. Im not saying it is hell because I would be lying, but I have this feeling that something is not right and are trying to figure out if I am misguiding my judgement or if simply I have fallen out of love and are looking for excuses.  I just would like to have an external point of view and impartial that can help me to see what is really going on. as I feel very guilty of feeling like this… as ultimately he is not a bad person. I don’t know… I’m just very confuse….

1 like, 16 replies

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16 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi e

    u think somewhere in this marriage you have lost your identity and confidence in your self worth. Your husband mat have some nice qualities but clearly he has some very frightening qualities. A big alarm bell should be ringing by now!

    1.he is cruel to animals (very bad indicator in terms of potential risk to you and your faamily)

    2. He belittles you in front of your children.

    3.he is verbally abusing and knocking your children's confidence which may have a negative impact on them when they become adults.

    4.he is bullying you ie when he wants something, you comply immediately and cease doing what you were doing before his demand.

    5.excessive phone calls throughout the day! Big time controlling and trust issues. He wants to control every waking moment of your day. This is a serious alarm bell.

    6. He knows exactly what he is doing! Eg throws a little love your way then retracts it when you haven't complied or met his demands. Also alarming is he knows how to put on a show in front of others.

    Lastly you are not a bad person, it's not about you falling out of love with him...its about finally you have woken up and realised this is a dangerous situation for you and your children. My advice would be to get out of this situation immediately. People with those controlling traits do not change. You and your children need to be far away from this environment.

    I hope you find the strength to do something about it.

    god bless ♥♥

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    • Posted

      Thank you Lorraine for taking the time to go through this... i really appreciate it... Have loads to think about..
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  • Posted

    If you're in the UK you should contact Refuge for advice and help. This is a charity that runs a 24-hour helpline for victims of domestic violence. I can't post a link here but if you google Refuge domestic violence UK it should come up at the top of the list. They'll take you through all the possible options, with advice as to how to proceed.

    I feel so sorry for you, and especially your children. This has re-awakened childhood memories for me too - though my father was nowhere near as bad as your husband. It brought back a memory of when I was 14 and so proud of myself because after a rocky start at grammar school I'd finally come overall second in my class in the end-of-year exams. He slapped me round the face and said: "Yes, but somebody came top, didn't they?" I can still remember the hurt of this nearly 60 years later. The path to getting out of this situation won't be easy, but think of your kids.

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    • Posted

      Aww lily

      those king of memories stay don't they. I pictured what you went through when reading your response to e75399. You deserved a big cuddle at that moment Iin time.

      I can only send you a big virtual cuddle which I am right now.

      god bless ♥♥

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    • Posted

      Thanks Lorraine, that's really sweet of you. It was all long ago and far away now, but I felt it was important to make the point that this kind of environment can be very damaging for kids.

      Lily xx

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    • Posted

      Try calling Refuge anyway. They don't just work on physically getting abused people (who can be men, of course!) out of a marriage. They can sometimes make helpful suggestions as to other ways of dealing with the situation.

      I hope you can find your way out of this situation, by whatever means. You and your kids deserve better than this.

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  • Posted

    He needs serious help, this is not normal. Is there any where you can go for a few days? Was he abused as a child? Try and get away for a few days. Read what you have written and what others have said here. Obiously his heart is in the right place, but your situation will only get worse if you don't act now. How would you feel about showing HIM this discussion and the replys on here? If that feels you with fear then you can answer your own question. I hope things get better for you. Shaking with fear is not okay. Well done with your kids and the way you comunicate with them, sounds like you have alot of love to give, don't hide it.
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    • Posted

      Thank you Pistal.... He does have his heart in the right place and the love for his children is unmesurable...that is why i cant comprehend some of this reactions. And you are right, I wouldn´t dare to show him this ... no way.. The kids are a bless, very mature and very clever and love them every minute of my life with all my heart... at the end that is all what this life is... Love...  

      My blessings to everyone who took the time to read and write, highly appreciate it.

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  • Posted

    Look up a narcissist. Npd narcissist personality disorder and see if it all fits. No marriage is perfect and many spouses can be rude, or degrading at times but not everyday. It shouldnt be the norm. Living with a narcissist is very difficult and as you are aware not a healthy option. Most likely you are scared to make any changes as its costly and hard to be a single parent. No one can really convince you either way but knowledge is power and understanding whats going on can help you make sound choices. You should probably see someone yourself because your sense of self is probably already small and thats not fair to you. You cant change another person. Pointing out to them they are narcissistic wont play out well either. So.. Different circumstances surround each person in a difficult marriage (finances,religion,beliefs,cultures,health,lonliness,life experiences) and everyones thresholds differ as well. 
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  • Posted

    your in a very abusive marraige. My man would never talk to me that way and has never been condescending or demanding to me. Your husband is disrespectful and arrogant, condescending and derogatory. It is unhealthy for your kids and for you to be regarded like he owns you. I feel that if you stood up to him he would get physical with you . He is a hateful mean man and may i ask you...are you happy? Im not suggesting this by any means, but if i were you (which im not) i would buy a gun and leave him. id take the kids too and i wouldnt tell him anything. Hed come home one day and we would be gone. It wont get better. Love doesnt act that way.
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  • Posted

    I suggested to go to a therapy to see if we could get help for what i sense is wrong... He said is nothing wrong with him and i am the one bringing the troubles home... Said im too sensitive and take everything 100% too personal, told me to get therapy as i am the one that needs it as according to him i am too depressed and is not normal.  The sad thing is that, as some people say in here...i have lost the sense of self... i dont even know what is or what is not... I have always been told by everyone my whole life that i am pretty, intelligent, sweet, funny... i wonder how someone with all those qualities can get tangled in a situation like this...life is funny...   I have made a decision already and comunicate it too, now is all about to sand up to it and that is the difficult part...  This forum and the impartial view of other people is very helpul....
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    • Posted

      It might actually help for you to go and see a counsellor anyway - not because you're causing the problems in your marriage, but because it sounds as if you need a bit of help in finding your way back to who you are. From your use of language I think you're in the UK. If you are, you could contact an organisation called Relate. They specialise in relationship counselling. Some people think that they only see couples together, but that's not true at all - they will also help one partner in a relationship.

      Finally... I've been wondering from the start but didn't like to say anything. I'm just wondering whether you're from a culture that makes problems like yours doubly difficult. If you are, there may be a local group for women from your own culture who could support you. If you're from the dominant culture, just forget this last paragraph, put it down to the imaginings of a daft old woman!

      You and your kids have a long, difficult road ahead of them, whatever course you take, but I can see that you're a very courageous, resourceful person under all the rubbish your husband has heaped on you.

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    • Posted

      Hi Lily,

      That is something that i will do for sure, to see someone that can help me to find the way back and try to get back my sanity... and that is one of the reasons, if not the main reason why i am so sure of the decision.

      It is sad because really he is not a bad man, he has so many good qualities and loves his children so much, but somehow we are not in a healthy cycle and that is always sad to admit.  I have an amazingly surprising strong faith that separation is the best for everyone, at least for now,  and somehow i feel that it will be fine for us to handle it, i think the love for our children will take us through the right path.

      From the dominant culture...  Thank you for all!

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    • Posted

      Well that's a huge relief for me - I mean that you're from the "dominant culture". I volunteer on a crisis line and I've heard some heartbreaking stories from women who really are trapped in marriages far worse than yours.

      I'm glad to hear that your head is clearing now. Sometimes just talking to someone else about a problem helps you to see straight, even if you don't listen to anything they say.

      Good luck on your path! And stay in touch if you'd like to, either by personal message or on this forum. I'm sure we're all delighted you've reached a decision.

      Lily xx

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