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I'm new to this blogging thing. So here it goes.. I'm 24 years old and I have a beautiful daughter that is going to be 3 this April. I'm getting married February 29th. I've had depression for ever since I can remember probably due to my really messed up childhood. My father was a horrible man who would abuse my brother and I when we were ptetty young. My mother never seemed to be home at night because of work or being out with her friends. My brother and I were close in age so I took care of him and we were all we had. It wasn't until I was 12 years old that I finally told my mother what was really going on. She basically broke down into tears but never spoke of anything again until about a year later when my father ended up leaving my mother for another woman. That's when she decided to do the right thing... Counseling didn't last long because my mother didn't feel like continuing the services. My teen years consisted of being in and out of trouble and being in and out of school. The same with my brother. We knew we were the only family we had who we could trust so we made a pact to never let one another fall behind and to always be there when things got bad. After my parents divorce, my mother became very dependant on us and couldn't do anything for herself like go grocery shopping alone or even do simple things like go get a haircut alone. It was very irritating to my brother and I at this age mainly because we were never dependant on her for anything. I guess we kind of held a grudge against her for a long time. Once I was almost 16 I had gotten my first job and couldn't wait until I could start saving money to finally be out of my mother's grasp. That didn't last long. I ended up paying my mother over half of my paychecks for rent. I got stuck living with her for the next 5 years. I then met my fiance and we shortly moved out together. My brother and I both had a rocky relationship with my mother at this time and my brother refused to talk to her. The last thing my mother told my brother was that he was dead to her... A little over a year On September 23rd 2012 a day that will forever haunt me, I got a phone call from my mother saying that my brother committed suicide... I didn't believe her at first because I didn't want to... Before that call I felt like everything was going the way I always dreamed it should, I was on my own and my life was company coming together. I spoke to my brother on the phone a couple days before and we had planned to get together for my birthday (September 30th) and go to Halloween horror nights. I was then going to break the news that he was going to be an uncle. My world felt destroyed and my heart was and still is completely shattered. The one person that promised to always be there, who I could always talk to no matter what the time or situation wasn't there to help me get through that news. So many thoughts went through my head, some were very, very dark and I am so thankful I found my fiance when I did because I don't know what would have happened that night. I was juggling the thought of suicide myself and then raising a child. Of course I chose to be as strong as I possibly could to avoid a possible miscarriage. My mother lost it though, she was broken. Days after the funeral all I could think of was having to move back in to make sure she didn't try to hurt herself, and sure enough my fiance and I moved back to my mother's home. Ever since then she has gotten better and worse. Since I'm her only living child, she's depending on me more than ever. I think she's still feeling some sort of guilt with the way my brother left and her last words to him. I want so badly to be on our own for my little family but every time I try to explain this to my mom, she gets very emotional and says I'm trying to take her granddaughter away... Am I going to be in this non stop cycle forever? How do you tell a grown woman when to let go? I've made peace with my past and as I got older I've learned that holding a grudge isn't worth it anymore. Am I being selfish for trying to finally live the life I want to live? ?
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