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So, I’m sure even a lot of people in this forum think I’m nothing more than an anxious hypochondriac, but I’d like to share my experience over the last six months or so and things that I have been officially DIAGNOSED with.
Endometriosis. POTS. Pelvic floor dysfunction. Urethral syndrome. And, quite possibly my favorite, Lyme disease. Which I’ve apparently had for years (I’m 29) so it’s beyond treating with antibiotics. It is also most likely the reason for causing my POTS.
The journey of my health has been a long one. I can’t tell you how many doctors (and just people in general, including my own family) dismissed me, told me the things I was dealing with were just “stress” or “every day life” and that everyone else was dealing with them too. So I listened. I pushed and pushed through the fatigue, the gynelogical issues, the bladder issues, the digestion issues, all of the weird pains and neurological symptoms I was feeling. I pushed until I reached a breaking point and couldn’t push anymore.
I don’t know how my body is ever going to heal. My immune system is shattered, and I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed sleep apnea because my jaw is so small. I’ve woken up to myself snoring or feeling out of breath. And even if I don’t have sleep apnea, I can’t sleep due to my bladder problems which I’m still waiting to get addressed. Point being, I don’t get sleep, and sleep is required for healing.
So, to review, I have a horrible immune system that is going through literal hell trying to beat off Lyme disease and all of the coinfections that go with it, I don’t have the money to eat “all organic” or anything like that, I don’t get sleep and I am constantly battling fatigue, pain, nausea, brain fog, dizziness..the list goes on and on. At 29 years old, I feel like I am suffering even more than a 90 year old.
It’s not even myself that I feel bad for; it’s my body that I feel bad for. I should have listened to it. I shouldn’t have settled with the stress/anxiety diagnoses when I knew something deeper was going on. I shouldn’t have accepted that and I shouldn’t have given up, I should have kept digging for answers. The RIGHT answers. I’m paying for not listening to my body sooner, and I don’t know how long it’s going to last before it gives out.
I would give anything for one last normal day. One day where I could go on a hike without needing to take a break every few minutes, or having to try to find somewhere to go to the bathroom. One day where the fatigue didn’t completely take over my body. One day where I could tolerate a HOT shower, as opposed to a luke warm one. Again, the list goes on and on..
To anyone out there who is suffering with depression but still has their health, please rethink why you’re depressed and if it’s worth it. There are so many little things I took for granted before all of my issues REALLY took over. I used to fight with my boyfriend about who was going to clean or do the laundry, and now I would give anything for the energy to do either of those things by myself. I want a life again, and I’m so so scared that it’s gonna be too late. I don’t see how I could possibly heal from all of this, and I’m so sad that I can’t enjoy whatever time I may or may not have left. All I can do is keep fighting and hope that I can somehow bounce back, but I just don’t see it happening. All I do is fight, not LIVE.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I’m sure it sounds like I just want sympathy, but I don’t. I really just wanted to vent and to maybe even help someone else who is struggling with depression. It could always be worse, but I guess that goes for me too..
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