1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Depression

Is this all my fault? Do I bring it on myself?

Posted , 10 users are following.

Arya287
Arya287

So I have been accused of being self obsword by someone extremely close too me, which has broke my heart. I have really bad chronic anxiety and am extremely depressed right now. I'm seeing a specialist on Monday and a cardiologist the week after. This has been weighing heavily on me as I can't help but worry no matter how hard I try to distract myself, I find it really hard to enjoy things, everything seems to become too much for me lately and I break down.

So this has led to a bit of a horrible discussion, I was out with this person and I couldn't relax at all, I was having panic attacks left right and centre and just closed up. I hardly spoke or made any sort of conversation and couldn't keep still, it was horrendous, then all of a sudden they turned around and said ''It must be so good to be so self obsord, and not care about anyone else but yourself'' I was so shocked and froze. I tried so hard to try and enjoy myself but couldn't. That's all I seem to have lately is people of accusing me of things like being a liar, an attention seeker and now this.

Why would I make myself feel like this on purpose? Why are people so horrible when it comes to mental health? 😥

I'm actually really proud of myself for even being in large crowds, I was fighting back, despite feeling so terrible. I fought all day long! And so hard too. They know how hard things have been this past month. I feel like everybody is turning against me. The only person who I can talk too about it is my dad. 😥

4 likes, 34 replies

34 Replies

Prev
  • lily72326
    lily72326 Arya287

    Posted

    Dear Arya, you should be proud of yourself!!  It's amazing, brave and strong to take a steps forward  like that. It's awful when people don't understand and say extremely unhelpful comments especially if they are close to you. It is not your fault. You did not choose to be like this. The persons comment shows more about them than you. Perhaps that person is insecure,feeling neglected.... I don't know. But what I do know is that you are not self absorbed. It is a horrible thought , that it's you against the world. I don't think its the case. Me and the other 17 people who replied, send you love and support for you to get better. And if course your dad. 😊

     

    • Davesoapbox
      Davesoapbox lily72326

      Posted

      Lily,

      I think you captured it perfectly and Arya Lily is right we are here for you, stay strong,myou are amazing just like all the rest of us. We didn't chose out illness but we live our lives with it. We are no better than anyone else but we sure as heck are not worse.

      you have our support

      David

  • Arya287
    Arya287

    Posted

    Thank you all so much for your kind messages, can't tell you what it means too me.☺💙

    As we all know, its a tough road. But I believe each and every one us CAN beat this. 👍 XxX

  • Arya287
    Arya287

    Posted

    Been to see the psychiatrist today, He has recommended that I go back on the medication that helped the most which was fluoextine, which I'm completely fine with. Bit shocked that I was only in there for 15 minutes, felt a bit rushed if I'm honest. Didnt really get too talk a lot about certain things, but hey ho there we go. Xx
    • stacey87853
      stacey87853 Arya287

      Posted

      Happy to hear your feeling alittle more positive,psychiatrists do seemed to be rushed,my mums always are when she goes,i suppose that they have a lot of people to see...x
    • Arya287
      Arya287 stacey87853

      Posted

      😊 Thank you, I feel a lot better now that I've spoken to my mam and dad about it too, they know the situation and have been great through out all this, but they're making me see when all this started too get worse as well. I just need to get this cardiology appointment out the way to put my mind at rest and then I guess I have a lot of work too do.😂 Yeah I suppose tthere's s lot of people out there who need just as much help too. 😊
  • Bellaathome
    Bellaathome Arya287

    Posted

    Hey, your situation feels almost identical to mine. Just thought you should know you're not alone in feeling like this and there is absolutely no way it's your fault. A lot of people don't understand and can't quite grasp that what we feel is due to no fault of our own. Maybe ask them to read up about it? I have done myself and even with suffering with it I now understand it so much better and a lot of it surprised me and stuff I thought was just me, turns out it's the depression that makes me this way. I know its hard and I'm guilty of self blame but just keep reminding yourself that this isn't you, it's the anxiety.
    • Arya287
      Arya287 Bellaathome

      Posted

      It is hard for people I think, you look completely healthy on the outside but on theinside not so much. Its a horrible thing I blame myself a lot, especially when it comes to relationships and stuff, I always think I could have done more, its all my fault type of thing because of my depression etc even though there's another person involved as well. So yeah I get it 😂 Xxx
  • Arya287
    Arya287

    Posted

    Thank you 😊 Worse thing I did was Google my symptoms, I wish I never done it, I read all these things about The heart and heart disease months ago, I also have an innocent murmur which I've had my entire life but never knew, my doctor told me they're very common and not many people know they even have them, but also finding out that, made me a 1000 times worse. I'm starting too understand a lot more about the situation I've got myself into, I never had skip beats or flutters, hard thumps etc until the thought got put into my head about seeing the cardiologist to put my mind at rest and then finding out about the murmur that I've had all my life. One thing he told me today was that if I had serious heart problems, I wouldn't be able to do anything especially go to London the other day and did the things I did, so I'm stating too see things a little more clearly, sorry I'm rambling now 😂😂😂 just trying to make sense of things. 😊
  • stacey87853
    stacey87853 Arya287

    Posted

    ramble as much as you like, keeps us busy reading it and hopfully makes you feel better smile  ive had a heart murmer since i was 2 aswell and never had any probs...

    What is the other problem you have with your heart if you dont mind me asking?

    xx

    • Arya287
      Arya287 stacey87853

      Posted

      I don't have any problems with my heart. 😂 Apart from the murmur but I don't even consider that a problem. Just since finding out about the murmur has caused me to think theres something wrong when there really isnt. I've had it since I was born, just didn't know about it. My doctor picked up on it because I was having a panic attack and aanxiety attack when I saw him 😂 So what I've done is I've associated my panic attacks with a "heart problem" when really there's prob nothing wrong at all. X
    • Arya287
      Arya287

      Posted

      When I found out as well I wanted to find out what it was so I googled it and there was really nothing about innocent murmurs because they're harmless but I came across a lot of other things that were a lot more sinister and got it all drilled into my head, so when I have a panic attack or feel anxious which is 24/7 I concentrate on my heart 😂 and I've been waiting to see this cardiologist for 8 months, which has made me worse, my doctor even said to me if there was something wrong I would have sent you straight away, but that still wasn't enough 😂 I'm dreading next week, I'll probably cry 😒😂
    • Arya287
      Arya287

      Posted

      Its nice too know someone else who has a murmur too (well not nice but you know what I mean) lol! Are you on tablets or have to keep an eye on it? I've gone 26 years with being fine but finding out about it recently has really freaked me out! 😒😂 Xx
  • stacey87853
    stacey87853 Arya287

    Posted

    oh i see, bless you,you are getting in pickle,no tabs for it,its never caused me any probs...my mum and aunts have it aswell and there all complety fine smile i know what you mean its is nice having speaking to someone else with same probs, if you know others also live with it and are fine you can be to...do you know if anyone in your family has every had it? im sure you can grow out of it so they may have it when they were younger.

    I had an x ray on it when i was 2 and they found out ive got scolioisis, im always back and fourth to hospital and always cry there so dont worry im sure they are used to it.

    With my anxiety when im at my wosrt i get a bad feeling, it feels like im panicing  inside but it wont come out if this makes sence? When this happens my heart races. do  you get this feeling? My drs put me on a tab called proparanol (sorry if mispelt) which is a beta blocker and slows heart rate and is ment to be good for anxiety...

     

    • Arya287
      Arya287 stacey87853

      Posted

      Yeah my nan has it, my doctor told me that because my panic attacks and anxiety attacks have been so extreme they could hear it. Yeah I get that feeling, its not nice.

      The doctors told my parents I'd probably grow out of it, I did a lot of sports growing up and was up mountains all the time running about, everyone has told me I wouldn't have been able to do those things either if it was a serious problem, they're all trying to tell me its the anxiety and panic etc which I know deep down it is, but won't be convinced until this cardiologist tells me other wise. 😂 Ah dear me.

    • Arya287
      Arya287

      Posted

      Hi guys, went too see the cardiologist today and my heart is fine, she couldn't even hear my murmur. She told me all these flutters etc are normal. So now going to focus on managing my panic and anxiety. So glad I got some peace of mind. 😊 Xx
Back to top
Prev

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.