Is this an actual condition?

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I fear my ex almost pushes problems on our children.  For example:

o My son is rambunxious, he MUST have ADHD and starts pushing her self-diagnosis on educators etc.

o My daughter doesn't perform well on tests in school, so she MUST have a learning disability and starts pushing her self-diagnosis on the eductators, etc.

o My son doesn't like being told what to do, so he MUST have an underlying issue, and starts self-diagnosing

And just goes on and on.  I don't know how best to describe it, but it feels like she is continuously looking for sources of "problems" which are external and/or not her fault...and not things she could possibly overcome or be responsible for.  

Child behaviors, for example, must be phsyiological/psychological and couldn't possibly be due to our parenting.

Does this make sense at all?  

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  • Posted

    HUGS to you...raising any child/ren can be difficult...!

    I think what you're saying is that instead of fine-tuning her parenting style to match any special needs, she is looking for external reasons to explain anything she sees that seems negative.

    She may be right - there could be genuine diagnoses for your children. True medical and or learning conditions that hinder their education and or social functioning. But, if that's so, it only means more work to overcome it, not walking away shrugging that nothing's to be done.

    Support her theories so that your children can go to the right specialists and have testing done. Meet with her and your chilren's teachers to see what they see and discuss ways to help them as students. It's both ways - more is probably needed at school and at home.

    As you say you are "ex", my guess is that this will be better received from doctors and teachers rather than coming from you... And, maybe she's not trying to place blame and duck away but maybe she doesn't know what to do and where to start. So, experts (doctors, teachers) can help.

    I studied speech and languge disorders and special needs in college and I still didn't know how to help my younger son with his speech needs or classroom managment. But, that's what the school is for. Some issues we really needed to push to get help, some they jumped up to support... Today's the first day of their new school year and I both worry and feel good about both (7 and 10 years old). It was a years-long journey to get here...it's a marathon.

    Good luck!!

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for responding!

      You know, I think the 'condition' may simply be this:  Lack of Accountability

      We pursued ADHD, doctor said "No ADHD.  He's a 10 year old boy."

      And immediately she started looking for something else to blame...and never does she point a finger at me or her.  There are always things we can do better, but it doesn't seem she is ever willing to say (or accept) that.  

      It's that particular behavior I'm concerned about.  At his rate, she will have convinced all of them that something is wrong with them before they reach middle high school!  

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    • Posted

      Oh, I see!!  In that case, you may mean "Munchausen By Proxy" but she doesn't seem to seek attention for medical conditions they don't have.  So... external locus of control??  (blaming outside forces)  That's my Psych 101 take on it.  I thought there were actual underlying conditions!  The school won't tell you if it's ADHD, but you ruled that out already...they will tell you if there's a learning problem, but they haven't. So, it's all in her head as she rationalises why this isn't her fault and she shouldn't have to fix any problems she sees.

      Sorry!!!  Do your best and maybe your kids will know they're fine. smile

       

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