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I am posting here to get some ideas about what could possibly be happening to me, I don't want to self diagnose myself for obvious reasons but I have some sort of fear of going to see a doctor. I tend to avoid alot of things and especially seeing a doctor even if I am in alot of pain. I often feel like I'm not taken seriously or feel patronised or uncomfortable, sometimes even tearful. This is all despite barely seeing the doctor and seeing multiple different doctors. If anyone has any helpful suggestions on how I can talk to my doctor then it may make me feel more comfortable as I do feel like it's important this time, as it causes significant distress, and lack of motivation and functioning in my life. Sorry if this post goes on a bit, I have a tendancy to do that but I like to give alot of detail so I'm sure nothing will be missed out. Even if you don't think that what I describe is that bad, then please refrain from telling me people have had it worse because I'm very aware of that already and I'm not asking for any reassurance that I'm fine, because mental health problem or not I know I'm not fine when it comes to stress. It frustates me to hear the same things all the time, usually because people don't know what I'm asking for. I know I can't be diagnosed on here but I'd like some idea of what I may be experiencing so I know if it's important to see my doctor or not. Preferably from people with experience as I find that most reliable.
I have noticed these problems for a long time now, I'm not actually sure when it first started (I've always felt different and like an outcast, I got bullied because I wouldn't talk to anyone in school.) the first time that I personally think it caused many problems in my life was when I was 17. I basically turned in to a bitch to put it easily, when I wasn't like that at all before. I felt like I was going through depression from the age of 14 but everyone put it down to hormones. (I was suicidal.) Despite that I was very quiet and barely spoke to anyone about it until I had this sort of break down when I was about to turn 18. It lasted for months, I can't recall exactly when it stopped but I think I was about to turn 19.
So basically within this time I managed to fail in different aspects of my life. I lost all my friends, my boyfriend, my best friend I had known all my life (wasn't much of a loss), failed in my A levels, and had a bad relationship with my family. Basically I lost everything. So during the progress of this I was at rock bottom. I had no motivation, became very irritable, a lack of empathy, slept most of the day on some days, had a reduced appetite, was very upset the majority of the time, self loathed alot and desperately wanted attention from anyone. I was in college so I still had a social life but I think for the most part this made things worse. People I thought were friends were very horrible to me and made me feel worthless and told me to kill myself and stop complaining. I was also very hypersexual and flirted with almost anyone, leading a few people on and genuinely believing I liked them all which caused a few problems. When I got with my boyfriend I thought things would get better but they got much worse. I became very dependant and jealous and insecure whilst I was with him, I was constantly paranoid and accused him of anything and everything. The problem was he drank alot and I must have an addictive personality because despite trying to get him to stop I ended up drinking alot too. This led to me being very hostile and using emotional blackmail and threatening behaviour (sometimes involving knives). I became manipulative and desperate and all the things you shouldn't be in a relationship. This even happened when I wasn't drunk and usually started because I hated it when he had to leave, I'd go to the extreme, screaming and having tantrums, banging my head against the walls and threatening to kill myself. The strange thing is despite being a very negative person and pushing people away there were times I was actually really happy. I would have times I thought everyone found me attractive and would sing and dance around alot, generally having a high self esteem and feeling on top of the world. I'd be very excited and hyper and not much brought me down. This is when I started to lose everyone, I even got one of my friends in trouble with the police by not knowing when to shut up, nothing came of it but the guy did take me home in his police car concerned for my safety. I still didn't seem to care about what I was doing. I then moved away from where I lived and it carried on but instead of taking things out on my boyfriend who was now an ex, I started to take it out on my mum and her boyfriend. Usually screaming and swearing at them and refusing to do anything and disliking them mostly. I was still drinking and due to feeling isolated I started to get naked online to random strangers. This is how I felt 'alive' at the time. I have on and off problems with my mum and her boyfriend even now, it was worse when I was younger because I would push them to their limit and sometimes my mum's boyfriend would hit me and be generally very aggressive towards me. I would become very scared but I saw it as him punishing me for being bad. We don't have anywhere near as bad problems now but I am starting to realise it could have been classed as abuse, I just don't like to think of it that way. I have been abusive in my past relationships even though it's not what I want to do in reality and it always seemed out of my control, I was so angry and for some reason didn't care if I hurt people or myself during that time. I have never cut myself but I used to toy with the idea, along with thoughts of burning myself. I did scratch, bite, pinch, hit myself and pull my hair, I also did this to my exes when I was upset. I was also emotionally abusive, using people's weaknesses against them. People were genuinely scared of me at times. I also have a compulsive need to pick my skin, it's not as bad as it was years ago but it's my way of getting rid of stress. My body is covered in scars but they're not as noticeable as they were. Anyway, that's the past and I thought that girl was gone as my personality has changed since then. I now have interests for things I used to hate (dying my hair bright colours, listening to rock music and getting tattoos) I feel more like myself now.
Now though I'm not as sure the problems really went away. I'm nearly 23 now, I'm not as bad as I once was and I've become very empathetic with people. People often come to me with their own problems because they know I won't judge them and I'm supposedly really helpful. Maybe because I relate? I'm experiencing problems again, I don't see them as severe as before but I'm worried I may get that way again or worse. This time I've noticed I'm anxious, all the time. Almost 24/7... because I don't sleep until 3am or sometimes even 8am if I'm distracted doing something. I don't have a job because I left it early last year, that was down to a lack of energy and motivation which is still ongoing now. I was also easily distracted (low attention span), working slowly and not finishing tasks. I had alot of complaints and got very stressed and irritable so left. I'm in a relationship now but he's mostly the only one I talk to, and a few people online. I isolate myself in the bedroom and am very socially withdrawn. I sometimes even feel like I'm too scared to socialise, to the point of panic and tears. I dislike people more than ever, I have very little friends. i barely get drunk anymore but when I do I have blackouts and am told I can become depressed then sexual and then aggressive. The only part I ever remember is when I'm in the tipsy stage where I become very excited and talkative. I know when I'm single I can feel influenced by people and end up kissing people when I get drunk, mainly women... but nothing sexual. Generally I don't do much and sometimes I don't even look after myself because of my lack of motivation and energy. This is why I think it's affecting my life so there must be something that's not right? I find that when I try and ask friends for advice they often brush me off or tell me I'm fine. They must think it's just easier or not understand because that doesn't reassure me at all. I know myself and I remember a time where I was not in fear or anxious all the time. I do mean all the time, I rarely think of anything else and it's been months. Sometimes I lose my sense of identity, as in sometimes I change my interests randomly or question my sexuality alot and I can feel unsure of my true self to some extent. Sometimes I convince myself Its the end of the world and no one can tell me otherwise, I cry if a loud plane flies over and jump at sudden noises. I don't necessarily feel upset, more uninterested in things and emotionally exhausted. Sometimes I feel empty and can't even work out how I feel. I do still have hyper moments, and can get very excitable and become restless. I've found people saying 'calm down', giving me weird looks and an increase in people telling me to get help, like they did before. Another thing I've noticed is that I've started to forget little things. For example using the wrong words in conversation and whilst reading. Going completely blank and as of recent a small amount of stuttering when reading when I could read fine before. I find this very frustrating at times. Another thing is that I talk and talk even when people aren't interested and have stopped listening, either in an excitable or argumentative way. I know all these things sound random but they all concern me equally.
The main causes for my behaviour, I think would be my dad moving to America when I was 10. He was my best friend growing up and I haven't seen him since I was 13. I'm pretty sure he has alcohol problems because he can be aggressive with people when he drinks, I saw him attack my step mum and say he was going to kill her for illogical reasons when I was 13. I don't think my past with my mum's boyfriend helped much either and my history of a bad choice of boyfriends. They usually didn't help, one wasn't there much, the other overly paranoid and another was an alcoholic and also emotionally abusive. My current boyfriend is much nicer and understanding.
I'm sorry this was so long, it's been in my head so long I just had to get it all out. Now I just have to hope someone will actually read it and be able to help me to some extent. If you think i'm just a bad person then you're entiled to your opinion but I do think it's more than that. I'm just asking for suggestions because it's so confusing and generalised.
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