Is this ok? I need opinions
Posted , 5 users are following.
My bf and I were just talking, he started to share his sadness about the past. A friend of his years ago committed suicide. I was telling him that he tried his best to help and that’s what matters and he shouldn’t hold onto to guilt because in the end we can’t control people. I suffer from suicidal thoughts myself, in fact a week ago I wrote a note planning on what to do with my body Incase I do do it. So my family wouldn’t have to go through the trouble of researching anything, I have that sorted out. I didn’t tell him this as recently we’ve been kinda distant.
He started to tell me how his friend did it, and how it was a painless way to go... i asked him politely to please stop because I shouldn’t know how to do it painlessly (since that’s what I’ve been trying to find out myself too, but failed to find an answer) he continued to talk about it.
I asked him 4 times to please stop because I’m trying to protect myself from knowing something that could potentionaly give me a painless way to go, but he kept going. I know now, he explained how to do it correctly and what types of things to use( no im not gonna tell anybody for obvious reason so don’t even ask)
but then I said why did you tell me that? I asked you so many times to stop why couldn’t you respect that? I also told him about how I was researching how to commit suicide pain free but failed to find anything, and that I seriously didn’t want to know. He said ‘I have it 100x worse than you’.
He’s not wrong... he really did have it way way worse than me.
The most that’s happened to me is explained in my previous post/ I’ve had my boobs grabbed by some drunken 30 ur old when I was 14, my dad touches my butt randomly, some girl pinned me down and pretended to be a guy that was trying to rape me ( literally her words) when I was 8, and I’ve had mental/emotional abuse throughout my whole life.
I’m trying to explain myself I think, sometimes I think it’s stupid that I wanna kill myself becaus even I know people have hadn’t it so much worse than I. And it made me feel so awful when he said “I have it 100x worse”
I told him that I know you’ve had it worse, but it’s not a competition.
Idk I just needed to vent before I drove myself crazy thinking I’m a cry baby or something...
2 likes, 3 replies
hypercat AnnaBananaa
Posted
Hi no one has it worse than anyone else and if you are thinking of suicide then things are clearly very bad for you. This is a red flag that you need to seek medical help - are you?
We all have our own issues so don't listen when someone tells you they are worse, they are just talking out of their backside!
I personally don't think there are any painless ways to commit suicide as I have sometimes trawled the suicide sites and like you I haven't found any. I must admit looking at those sites and hearing some of the terrible stories puts me right off the idea.
Oh and your bf sounds quite toxic! Are you sure he is the one for you? I can't see how he can love you if he is putting you down like this and not listening to you. You deserve better than this. x
wayne1962 AnnaBananaa
Posted
Hi AnnaBananaa - yes I remember your previous posts. The first thing is that suicide is never painless (regardless of what the M*A*S*H theme says) - there are people left behind who will be damaged by such an act. They will spend the rest of lives wondering what they could have done or said that would have prevented the event. Some will blame themselves. Others will be disgusted and call you weak. There will be songs, smells, people and moments that will remind them of you, painful, deep, tearing moments when they will realise they will never get over what has happened even decades down the track.
The next thing is your boyfriend. He may well be suffering, but each suffering is unique. To him is pain is worse than anyone else's because that is the pain he knows. It's a dismissive comment that in one back-handed utterance relegates you to a lower importance to him. I would suggest his continuing to relay "painless" suicide methods despite your protestations is manipulative - perhaps he even gets pleasure from your distress. It's a form of control and may even be a technique he uses to make himself feel better. If he can't be supportive of you the way you appear to be of him, then he is part of the problem. I can't recall from your other posts whether you have been receiving medical help for your depression? If not, that's the first step.
sam18386 AnnaBananaa
Posted
Hi Anna, do you know there is a PTSD chat board? You or your boyfriend may have PTSD. There will be a list somewhere, you may need some specialist counselling. Good luck with it all, it's not easy to live with.