Is this PTSD? Confused and needing some help.

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hi everyone,

	                           I've got a bit of a long and complex story, and i'd really appreciate some feedback on my situation. 
														 Way back in 2002, I came home one day to find my dad lying dead in a pool of his own blood and vomit. He had suffered massive internal bleeding and had died alone the previous evening. I was the only one at home at the time - the rest of my family were out of the country - and I had to deal with arranging for emergency services to attend, phoning some close family etc. 
														  It was completely unexpected - he'd not shown any outward signs of being so gravely ill. I was at my girlfriend's the night before, tried phoning him a few times that evening, no answer, thought nothing of it.
															 That morning, i'd bought some beers to watch the rugby at home with him, rented some DVDs to watch afterwards. I came home, opened the door and remember the metallic, sweet smell. 
															  I then saw blood smeared on the wall, but in my mind it was nothing to be worried about - just an accident maybe? It was only as I called out for him and found more and more blood that I realised something had happened...I then found him, and couldn't quite process it all. I don't want to go into too much more detail as it is already quite graphic, but there was a lot of mess. 
																Following this, the weeks and months and years went by. But I still clearly remember the smell in the house, the details of the blood and the body, and some of my feelings. It is so vivid some days, that I can remember such detail. 
																	 My question is this really: it was in 2002, and we're now in 2019. I'm wondering if this would be classified as PTSD or not, given the time that's passed? Or are my thoughts and reactions something else? I've always been an anxious person, but definitely feel it more-so. I can feel incredibly flat and distant somedays, but I think this might be part of my introvert personality. I do think back on the day quite often, especially given something that i'm having to deal with in my line of work just now, however I don't show other signs and symptoms, such as task/event avoidance. 
																	  Because so much time has passed, and I have achieved quite a lot personally, it does make me question wheter or not I have the condition. Part of me wonders if it really can be PTSD because my life hasn't been completely derailed. Yes, I have been affected, no doubt, but i'm functioning day-to-day, and have a good job, loving family and friends. 
																		Sorry for my post being so long - i'm really just looking for some initial thoughts from others on the forum. 
																		
																		Thanks for reading, 
																		
																		G.

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  • Posted

    I am not qualified , merely someone who, like yourself, has had a traumatic graphic experience.

    I injected myself with cocaine iv miscalculating the dose during iv binging. (but it was about half of gram at once)

    As a result got something called "frontal lobe aware seizure" , (according to my own internet research) lots of convulsions, screams and palpitations for several minutes while being fully aware and conscious.

    Several days later I decided to take orally something sold to me as MDMA ( aka extasy). I had halucinations Iam captured by ISiS ON one of those mass beheading videos and was one of the victims.

    IT WAS probably two months all this was constantly in my mind. Re-livng it. These two experiences . They were combined with flashbacks of personal romantic traumas and I was feeling sick, throwing up now and then for no reason etc. Unable to find any good reason to get out of my dirty mattress in a flat full of used needles and syringes, fast food delivery packaging , dirty clothing, stains of vomit everywhere - this was how I was living.

    I self diagnosed myself with PtSd.

    but decided in my desperation to try something like a placebo "folk medicine" cleansing ritual and found a woman from my home country advertising herself as a performer of such things.

    Went there, told her parts of my story, she performed the ritual and the placebo effect was in fact somewhat achieved.

    Slowly, I began to heal my mind and recover, stopped the drugs gradually, began eating more healthily.

    SO I guess the trauma seeing your father is not completely healed although I am not sure if this is PtSd .

    THE difference is I was unable to function day to day for months. Unable to sleep or had vivid nightmares.

    I see the similarities in the fact that the painful memory appears uninvited and still VIViD in your mind so I SUGGEST to try placebo like talking to a priest or even psychic something you deeply have illusions that might work.

    Because placebo works even if one knows it is placebo. And gradually the memories might become less vivid less intense , lasting less time.

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  • Posted

    Is it common to shut down?

    Like i was being abused because i have problems with police.

    I remember everything till i was abused? then only bits and things.

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    • Posted

      I do not know if it is common but it seems to be a part of a defensive mechanism in the human mind to repress or partially repress ( if this is the correct term) certain events.

      Although consciously repressed , the events might still circulate deep down giving rise to potentially unhealthy or bewildering behavior. Or surfacing as "bits and pieces" .

      I am not a specialist to know how your experience is dealt by your mind - normally or need some extra attention.

      But from what I Have read repression of certain events occurs in almost everyone. For example children left without their parents although not left alone who cry , while parents at work . Probably everyone have repressed or partially repressed something similar.

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    • Posted

      I can only reply on the situations I have been through, Trust is a major thing. Nobody on this page knows you. But we all suffer. PTSD is no joke, im awake far beyoned sleepytime tea, I love music, what do u love? Iove going fast in race cars and I have 2 that are both broke down ATM, but in the process of fining or reliving a good experance you might be able for a little bit, forget the sy ones. I myself have night terror and often wake in a full sweat. Dude, I want to say more. im alone as well . I a sy day... everyone does, not like mine though. Court sucks

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  • Posted

    I am beginning to think about how long you still have vivid memories and think that you cannot process if it was a painful experience for your father while feeling guilty and fearful about yourself being in his position.

    I have experience with a man who was hospitalised with me way back in the past. He had internal bleeding from taking everyday aspirin without being told to do so by a doctor. This man came in the hospital very calm and even claimed that he was feeling Ok.

    Suddenly he felt on the ground between mine bed and his and immediately lost consciousness for several minutes. He regained his mind and was disoriented not quite remembering what happened and did not report any feelings of pain and still insisted to go home. I Remember the doctor was quite angry towards that patient telling him that he couldnt properly assess himself how serious his condition was and to never drink aspirin again - never.

    what I want to tell you is that your father seems unlikely to have been in great or even any pain although you have seen the place messy. Even if he has moved from place to place it was very likely for him to not fully understand feeling disoriented and his demise was like someone simply turned a Tv off. I strongly believe this is likely because I have seen myself a man with the same condition as I told you above.

    This man's live was saved probably because he was not alone at the time he first fell on the ground somewhere . And I guarantee it was sudden for him and painless , he was not panicked or fearful, just disoriented.

    But if you blame yourself ( may be not aware that you blame yourself ) for the fact that your father was alone that day or did not give a second thought about him not answering his phone , that seems to me like a completely within the normal yet unpleasant part of what it is to be a normal living human being.

    I have similar fears of my own parents dying alone. In fact my uncle died alone from heart attack in his flat while I was having great time with my father (my uncle's brother) but my father was grieving how his brother might have had suffered alone.

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  • Posted

    hi everyone,

    I've contacted the forum admin about the weird format of my initial post. Thanks to all for replying. I'll get back to you later.

    G

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