Is this PTSD? Confused and needing some help.

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I am not qualified , merely someone who, like yourself, has had a traumatic graphic experience.

I injected myself with cocaine iv miscalculating the dose during iv binging. (but it was about half of gram at once)

As a result got something called "frontal lobe aware seizure" , (according to my own internet research) lots of convulsions, screams and palpitations for several minutes while being fully aware and conscious.

Several days later I decided to take orally something sold to me as MDMA ( aka extasy). I had halucinations Iam captured by ISiS ON one of those mass beheading videos and was one of the victims.

IT WAS probably two months all this was constantly in my mind. Re-livng it. These two experiences . They were combined with flashbacks of personal romantic traumas and I was feeling sick, throwing up now and then for no reason etc. Unable to find any good reason to get out of my dirty mattress in a flat full of used needles and syringes, fast food delivery packaging , dirty clothing, stains of vomit everywhere - this was how I was living.

I self diagnosed myself with PtSd.

but decided in my desperation to try something like a placebo "folk medicine" cleansing ritual and found a woman from my home country advertising herself as a performer of such things.

Went there, told her parts of my story, she performed the ritual and the placebo effect was in fact somewhat achieved.

Slowly, I began to heal my mind and recover, stopped the drugs gradually, began eating more healthily.

SO I guess the trauma seeing your father is not completely healed although I am not sure if this is PtSd .

THE difference is I was unable to function day to day for months. Unable to sleep or had vivid nightmares.

I see the similarities in the fact that the painful memory appears uninvited and still VIViD in your mind so I SUGGEST to try placebo like talking to a priest or even psychic something you deeply have illusions that might work.

Because placebo works even if one knows it is placebo. And gradually the memories might become less vivid less intense , lasting less time.

Is it common to shut down?

Like i was being abused because i have problems with police.

I remember everything till i was abused? then only bits and things.

I am beginning to think about how long you still have vivid memories and think that you cannot process if it was a painful experience for your father while feeling guilty and fearful about yourself being in his position.

I have experience with a man who was hospitalised with me way back in the past. He had internal bleeding from taking everyday aspirin without being told to do so by a doctor. This man came in the hospital very calm and even claimed that he was feeling Ok.

Suddenly he felt on the ground between mine bed and his and immediately lost consciousness for several minutes. He regained his mind and was disoriented not quite remembering what happened and did not report any feelings of pain and still insisted to go home. I Remember the doctor was quite angry towards that patient telling him that he couldnt properly assess himself how serious his condition was and to never drink aspirin again - never.

what I want to tell you is that your father seems unlikely to have been in great or even any pain although you have seen the place messy. Even if he has moved from place to place it was very likely for him to not fully understand feeling disoriented and his demise was like someone simply turned a Tv off. I strongly believe this is likely because I have seen myself a man with the same condition as I told you above.

This man's live was saved probably because he was not alone at the time he first fell on the ground somewhere . And I guarantee it was sudden for him and painless , he was not panicked or fearful, just disoriented.

But if you blame yourself ( may be not aware that you blame yourself ) for the fact that your father was alone that day or did not give a second thought about him not answering his phone , that seems to me like a completely within the normal yet unpleasant part of what it is to be a normal living human being.

I have similar fears of my own parents dying alone. In fact my uncle died alone from heart attack in his flat while I was having great time with my father (my uncle's brother) but my father was grieving how his brother might have had suffered alone.

hi everyone,

I've contacted the forum admin about the weird format of my initial post. Thanks to all for replying. I'll get back to you later.

G