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Is this relationship ocd/ anxiety? Please help, I feel so sick and guilty!

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rhianna45855
rhianna45855

Hey guys! Look this is SOO long but I really am in need of help... I need someone's advice who suffers with anxiety or who has ever had obsessive tjhoughrs that torture them... Bare with me and please respond ... Any advice would help so much.. I have not posted on here for a while. If you have read my other posts you will understand that I have throughout my life suffered from anxiety! Mainly health anxiety. In January 2015 my anxiety got really really bad to the point I couldn't go out of the house, despite me having been on fluoxetine for 5 years... The tabs stopped working and they put me on a new course of meds, these were sertraline 100mg and mirtazupine 15mg. Anyway these tablets stabled me slightly and I was getting a lot better and not worrying so much about my health any more... They also referred me to CBT... But by the time I actually got an appointment I had other issues... This time it was jealousy for my current boyfriend. So anyway I went to a few cbt sessions and I told her about the jealousy but because they 'action plan' was focusing on health anxiety she apparently couldn't help me with the jealousy - which is what I really needed help with at the time! As it was making my life a misery. So I stopped the sessions and didn't go back. Anyway so this jealousy gor really bad to the point I was checking online every single day trying to reassure

Myself that not all men cheat etc, but of corse it being the internet I came across a lot of men who would say 'everytime we meet a girl we imagine having sex with them' etc... They got really graphic!! And that set off all sorts of worries in my head!! I felt like I couldn't be happy with my partner!! What set all this off was I found porn on his phone back in June sad and it really really upset me and it just turned into an obsession of mine that all men just wanted thin blondes ... I'm normal sized, black hair, blue eyes... I just felt like I wasn't enough for him as the girl he looked at was thin with big boobs and blonde hair sad ... So this went on for months and I would have a go at him and stuff and I was convinced that all men wanted to do was have sex with every girl they met sad . Anyway I eventually got over that but then my obsession turned into something new... I will tell you this now... I was engaged to my ex boyfriend for 3 years and we broke up shortly before me and my new partner got together! I basically cheated on him, I told him immediately after and I beat myself up over it for months after and I just felt sick that I could have done that to him... But I wasn't happy, we didn't talk anymore and he didn't seem like he wanted me at all, not in any way! I should have just left him because cheating is not in my character at all.. But I suppose cheating on him was almost a cry for attention? Whatever the reason... I was WRONG and I've hated myself for it!! Anyway back to my current relationship... We've been together 14 months and I honestly felt like I had found my soul mate which is why I got so jealous.. But now I'm scared that I'm going to hurt him, that I don't love him, that I'll cheat on him, I keep checking to MAKE SURE I'm not attracted to other men, I am convinced because my tummy don't go over anymore as much I'm going to end up doing what I did to my ex to him, I keep checking in my brain if I would be scared if he left me, if he cheated on me.. And I'm convincing myself I wouldn't care ? But literally 2 weeks ago I was head over heels in love with him scared he was going to leave ME rolleyes what is wrong with me? This is worse than worrying he's going to leave me because I don't want to hurt another person sad say if I hurt him? All these things keep running through my head sad I've been SOO good to him, and he's been sooo good to me and we've been perfect ! Literally for Christmas I made him a scrapbook of all our memories from the past year!! I'm 23 by the way.. I probably sound really immature and young but I'm just an emotional wreck tbh. Anyway I just want to know if anyone has ever been through this? And do they think it's because of what I did to my ex that's triggered all this? Even the jealousy... Because if I can't trust myself ... Who can I trust sad please someone tell me this is anxiety I literally have tried to explain to my boyfriend how I feel and I keep seeking reassurance from my mum who also suffers with anxiety and she says to me 'rhianna, you would never ever ever hurt him and if you didn't love him you would not sit there and threat over not loving him. Anxiety brings up the things that you LEAST likely would want to happen' please please someone respond thank you guys xx

0 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • tracey90201
    tracey90201 rhianna45855

    Posted

    It does sound like anxiety to me. Our minds can create such hell for us! Thinking about it and the fear of it feeds it and it grows.

    Are you able and willing to work with a therapist again? Learning to change how we react to our anxiety is so helpful!

  • tiffany13781
    tiffany13781 rhianna45855

    Posted

    I have a very similar story. My hubby and I were going through problems several years ago now and I was unfaithful. I didn't tell him, and 2 years later he found out. I carried worry and guilt for 2 years. We decided to work it out, thank God because we are stronger than ever now, but I think that never having forgiven myself, and carrying around all that guilt and worry played a major factor in my developing anxiety. Within those 2 years he didn't know and a couple years after, I was constantly checking on him and his fidelity, and of course checking myself to make sure I really wanted to be with him. I would argue with him about his actions all the time. All bc I couldn't forgive myself. Over the last year I even worked on forgiving myself and we are truly happy, but of course anxiety still lingers. It's not even about my relationship but guilt over my children. So yes, I have been there and I think k you need to start from within.
  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 rhianna45855

    Posted

    Maybe most people have these passing thoughts, especially at your age.mthe trick is mot to give them too much power. If its meant to be it will be. You dont really have to out so much thought into it. Clearly if you end up cheating on him then he wouldnt be the one.give yourself a break and just enjoy each day without over analyzing the relationship.
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