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I'm a 28 year old male and I'm just trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I'm trying to make as few assumptions as possible so I can get a realistic answer although I know internet diognosis isn't a replacement for the real thing.
Anyway. I hate people, being around groups or crowds leaves me sweating, short of breath and dizzy depending on how loud they are and how public it is. Shopping in my medium size town is bareable but parties and gigs where people are in close proximity makes me shut down completely to the point where if anyone tries to speak to me I can barely mumble a sentence. I don't have any friends because making small talk is impossible I just can't think of what to say because I get so nervous talking to people I don't really know. Unless the conversation is on a specific subject or I'm being questioned about something, I'm completely dead in the water. I've never had more than three friends at any given time and since leaving secondary school at 16 I've lost touch with them as I've gradually secluded myself only leaving the house to go to university where I sit in the corner of the lecture hall, or work where I have my own cubicle. I was bullied fairly badly throughout school, although most of it wasn't physical, just nasty remarks, put downs and shunning.
At the moment I have no friends, I've never had a girlfriend because I can't talk to anyone normally let alone as a potential love interest. Over the last three years or so I've become increasingly bitter although not outwardly. I find myself hating people on the street simpily for enjoying the things I can't have. Worse yet I find myself hating myself because as much as I want friends, and want to find a partner I just can't talk to anyone without sounding like a dumbass when the words just don't come out. It's not that I'm afraid of leaving the house it's that I know nothing good ever comes of it so I don't see the point. More recently I've started resigning myself to the fact that I'm going to die lonely. I've become so disillusioned that mentally I'm begging for one person to just knock on the door and drag me out to do anything, I'm desperate for a saviour that doesn't exist, and it's killing me.
I want to help myself and see a doctor but the thought of telling someone this without the anonimity is terrifying, plus I'm scared they'll either think I'm making it up, or will just dismiss it as a personality trait because I've lived with it for so long.
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