Issues dealing with people.

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Hi all.

I'm a 28 year old male and I'm just trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I'm trying to make as few assumptions as possible so I can get a realistic answer although I know internet diognosis isn't a replacement for the real thing.

Anyway. I hate people, being around groups or crowds leaves me sweating, short of breath and dizzy depending on how loud they are and how public it is. Shopping in my medium size town is bareable but parties and gigs where people are in close proximity makes me shut down completely to the point where if anyone tries to speak to me I can barely mumble a sentence. I don't have any friends because making small talk is impossible I just can't think of what to say because I get so nervous talking to people I don't really know. Unless the conversation is on a specific subject or I'm being questioned about something, I'm completely dead in the water. I've never had more than three friends at any given time and since leaving secondary school at 16 I've lost touch with them as I've gradually secluded myself only leaving the house to go to university where I sit in the corner of the lecture hall, or work where I have my own cubicle. I was bullied fairly badly throughout school, although most of it wasn't physical, just nasty remarks, put downs and shunning.

At the moment I have no friends, I've never had a girlfriend because I can't talk to anyone normally let alone as a potential love interest. Over the last three years or so I've become increasingly bitter although not outwardly. I find myself hating people on the street simpily for enjoying the things I can't have. Worse yet I find myself hating myself because as much as I want friends, and want to find a partner I just can't talk to anyone without sounding like a dumbass when the words just don't come out. It's not that I'm afraid of leaving the house it's that I know nothing good ever comes of it so I don't see the point. More recently I've started resigning myself to the fact that I'm going to die lonely. I've become so disillusioned that mentally I'm begging for one person to just knock on the door and drag me out to do anything, I'm desperate for a saviour that doesn't exist, and it's killing me.

I want to help myself and see a doctor but the thought of telling someone this without the anonimity is terrifying, plus I'm scared they'll either think I'm making it up, or will just dismiss it as a personality trait because I've lived with it for so long.

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hey dude, I am 20 year old male and I think I know what your talking about and my suggestion is think of your dreams, and always imagine yourself doing them with music you really like (this is what I do) after you do that you will feel kind of optimistic. After that think of a plan to make that same feeling same dream come true. Thats what I do but your older and wiser so what do I know. I also suffer from panic disorder, anxiety disorder and everything probably that you have.

    I hope you feel better dude

    P.S When you ignore and stay away from people and always say little from the outside girls think your mysteriouse and cool. ICEMAN!!

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  • Posted

    Perhaps low self-esteem, lack of confidence, who knows?

    What you need to try and understand is that you are every bit as good as the next man.

    I suppose what you really need under your belt is some success at something, anything.

    Give some thought to what you are really good at and develop it so you feel really confident in what you are doing.

    If it is any consolation to you, some of the most successful people on the planet are or were lacking in 'person to person' skills, so you are in very good company.

    My advice is as I said before, to develop what you are good at and that in itself might bring you into contact with people who look up to you, and you therefore would have no reason at all to believe yourself to be anything other that equal or better than them. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Ramiren ...feel for you!

    You sound like a really smart intelligent human being ...take that as a big positive!

    Seems to me that once we've convinced ourselves of something ...its difficult to change course. Consider a off road vehicle going along the same stretch of dirt track. Over time deep channels will be developed in the mud ..time further they harden. Now every time that vehicle goes along that stretch of road ...it'll be forced or rather steered along the usual predictable pregoverned direction (I guess negative thoughts are like this).

    Excuse my abstract example ...but the point is ..like the saying goes: ..."Insaninty? is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"... This is something we ALL should keep in mind.

    So with that in mind ...consider drawing up a small list of things/activities/hobbies that you've not done before but POTENTIALLY you wouldn't mind trying. For example, ever thought of joint a meditation group? (you'd be around people, part of a group but still seperate, and you'd not be pressured to converse to much ..plus you could work at strengthening your mind and developing NEW tracks (thoughts).

    Abstract reply I know ..but you're an intelligent person so I guess you'll get my point.

    Much peace...

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  • Posted

    Ramiren, it doesn't sound as if there's anything terribly wrong, since you say you're able to go to university. You might just be a late starter, like I was. I wasn't quite as bad as your description of yourself. I managed to train as a nurse and didn't have problems dealing with patients, as I was able to "compartmentalise". But I had very few friends and couldn't get the hang of talking to men at all. I also hated parties. Still do, in fact, but I actually don't think they're the best way to meet new people anyway.

    I'm not a super-social animal now, and never married or had children - though I did have several relationships. I live alone these days - in my 70s - and don't feel at all lonely. I do two voluntary jobs, have a small circle of close friends (all of whom understand and accept that I'm a bit "different") and am completely content with my life.

    There are various ways you could address this. One would be to try joining a group that has similar interests to yours, like evening classes or a lecture group. I find socialising at that level much easier than at parties, which to this day seem vacuous and futile to me. Another is to accept that you are the way you are. I sympathise totally with the way you compare yourself with others. I didn't figure out till I was about 30 that it was OK to be different. Paradoxically, this acceptance helped me to come out of myself a bit.

    However, your case does seem to be a bit more serious and would probably benefit from therapy of some kind, even if it's just the chance to talk about how you feel. You shouldn't worry about what your doctor will think of you, and no one will think you're making it up.

    You've already taken the first step, by posting on this forum. It must have been quite difficult for you to admit all this to yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for having had the courage to start the process, and use this experience as a stepping stone to getting more help.

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    • Posted

      I agree with Lily.  It wasn't until my thirties that I started to accept myself for who I am.  Although I have a child, I am quite a loner with only a small, close group of friends.  I've never really seen myself in a long term relationship and don't feel like I'm missing out too much for not being in one.  I would rather stay home at night and read then go out to dinners and clubs, it's just who I am.

      Live the life you want and not the life others, or yourself, believe is socially acceptable.

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    • Posted

      Several women I knew had babies at the same time as me and I thought this was a good opportunity to get out and about more and be more social.  These informal playgroups started off okay until my daughter hit about the eighteenth month mark and it was beginning to be obvious that she had a severe intellectual disability.  I started getting 'looks' from the other Mothers and slowly stopped getting invited to more and more get togethers.  At the last playgroup I went to when my daughter was two years of age and it was obvious that my daughter was just not happy being there.  I walked away that day accepting myself and my daughter for who we were.  Six months later we started attending a playgroup for special needs children and I felt so much more relaxed and happy.  No social expectations or judgements were placed on my daughter and I, it was so freeing.
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  • Posted

    Doctors shouldn't be there to judge you in anyway and should help you with a referral to a specilaist mental health team.

    I am not professing to be an expert, but what you have described sounds like either anxiety or asperger's syndrome with sensory integration issues.

    I wish you luck smile

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  • Posted

    You have basically described me! 😐

    Except I had loads of friends at school but

    Since getting married to my husband I have

    Lost them.

    I don't like going out to crowded places even

    When my Mother in law comes over I hide

    Away in the kitchen! If my door knocks I

    Have a full blown anxiety attack! My GP

    Is useless just gives me mirtazipine which

    Doesn't help 😐

    Go and see your GP about getting on some

    Anxiety medication and see if that helps.

    I certainly know how you feel, I'm only 31

    And its totally took over my life 😢

    Take care

    Kate.

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  • Posted

    Hi Ramiren, I think you sound like a really nice guy. I know your feeling of being scared to go and tell someone your problems. I have been having a lot of mental health problems and I screwed up my courage and called a help line. The guy on the other end was so nice! and so good at listening and reflecting back any positive thoughts. . . I hope you can gather your courage together and call someone, or see a psychiatrist. You don't mention any sleep problems, and I only know about depression, but it kind of sounds like you are super sensitive in a sensory way, so maybe along the Asperger's route, but I really don't know. 
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  • Posted

    Ramiren,

    If you broke your leg you would not think twice about seeking medical help just because you may have a problem with your mind makes you no different. I have problems and spent 30 years of my life manning up, pulling myself together etc end result I tried taking my own life several times. I'm not saying you are in the same place but it sounds like you need to talk and despite what some say the help is there

    I wish you all the best and offer the hand of friendship if you need it

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