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Why is it that I always resort to suicidal ideation? I come up with these ideas, that if something doesn't go as planned i can always off myself. I pray some days i will be a victim of a random shooting, a victim of train derailing and headed straight towards me, accidentally falling off the highest level of the parking garage, tripping and just happening to hit my head in a way there would be no return, a random act of terrorism, anything that would be out of my control so my family would still get the benefit of my life insurance pay out.
The i start thinking about how much my children would miss me, how much burden i would put on my husband if i were to be gone and i get very emotional. Which is a sign i want to live. Awesome right? but then....boom! These thoughts are coming at me once more. No warning, no control.
I then get so involved with these thoughts that i can sit at work for hours not realizing i'm not being productive until someone says something to me or i realize it's 4pm and i've accomplished nothing.
I cannot keep doing this.
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