It comes then it goes....but it always returns

Posted , 5 users are following.

Why is it that I always resort to suicidal ideation? I come up with these ideas, that if something doesn't go as planned i can always off myself. I pray some days i will be a victim of a random shooting, a victim of train derailing and headed straight towards me, accidentally falling off the highest level of the parking garage, tripping and just happening to hit my head in a way there would be no return, a random act of terrorism, anything that would be out of my control so my family would still get the benefit of my life insurance pay out.

The i start thinking about how much my children would miss me, how much burden i would put on my husband if i were to be gone and i get very emotional. Which is a sign i want to live. Awesome right? but then....boom! These thoughts are coming at me once more. No warning, no control.

I then get so involved with these thoughts that i can sit at work for hours not realizing i'm not being productive until someone says something to me or i realize it's 4pm and i've accomplished nothing.

I cannot keep doing this.

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  • Posted

    Hi AwakeButJaded,

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here:, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    If you are based outside of the UK.

    The Samaritans is a UK based charity, but they also have suggestions for how you can access help in other countries.

    Please have a look at this page

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  • Posted

    Hi I could have written this as I do exactly the same. Now this might seem strange but I then trawl the suicide sites looking for painless ways to kill myself. After a while, and reading some awful stories along the way, I realise there are no painless ways to do it unless I have access to meds which would, but I havent.By this time I go right off the idea and feel a bit better.

    I think taking small steps are helpful and using distraction is good too. The more you think about something the more you do if you get what I mean. Try and interrupt these thoughts as much as possible. I have been having suicide ideation so long and I am now quite old so probably won't do it now. x

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  • Posted

    I'm glad I'm not alone. still wish I could break the cycle.

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  • Posted

    This article may helpful in your anxiety and depression condition so click to "". Sarah

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