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It gets better

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sarah86347
sarah86347

Hi folks, 

Although I no longer suffer with depression I really wanted to share my experience and hopefully inspire those who have had days like me where they wondered how they would get through the next 24 hours.

I became depressed after quitting my job and then splitting with a physically abusive partner of 3 years.

The first few days were like a bad dream really, stumbling about in a sort of daze then I started to have feelings of what I can only desrcibe as blackness. Everything good went from the world. Id expect things to go horribly wrong, things to not ever get better, if I saw anything like knives, ropes, id have thoughts of death. I somehow went back to work. It helped with routine but id panic on the way then think to myself that if i really wanted it to go away i could just go outside and stand in the road. Every single day was like physical pain. 

I started a course of citalopram 10mg. I dont know whether it worked or not but i tried things like painting, reading, writing myself positive notes, private counselling. They all did help but what mainly helped was perserverance. If nothing else then outlast the b**sterd. It will not and cannot go on forever because the only thing thats constant in this life is change. The bad never lasts, it can't.

Another thing that helped was accepting I was going to hurt. I spent so much time running from pain, not wanting it, avoiding it and rejecting it that it had snowballed into a big issue. I had every right to feel down after being abused and having my confidence shatterd by a bully. Give yourself permission to feel. Whatever has happened to you, you are allowed to respond.

I read a brilliant article ____________ This really helped too.

And finally I cried. Literally for days at one point because it needed to come out of me.

Please, nomatter what, never ever give up on yourself because it will go away. 

Life is full of troughs and highs and if you are in a trough, it WILL get better. Easy for me to say but I was there, asking if it ever would.

I stoped taking the drugs about 2 months ago, heart palpitations were the only withdrawal and I have been ok mood wise.

I even got made redundant the same week I stopped taking them and I am ok. 

Speak to other people about your feelings. Id ring Samaritans on occassion just to say how I was feeling and it was reassuring that someone would be there night or day.

Life is not enternal and this is your one shot at it. Do not throw it away over a temporary issue because death is forever. 

Do the excercise, cry as much as possible, talk to people and have faith it will come to an end because it honestly, honestly will

Peace and love xx 

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0 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Kat1988
    Kat1988 sarah86347

    Posted

    Sorry to hear your awful story. It's comforting to know it does get better though. I think you've replied on my discussion in the last few days. I think I've come to terms that I'm suffering with depression. How long did you suffer before you started to feel better Sarah? I lost my nanny 4 months ago and haven't felt right since. I'm already on meds anyway as suffer with anxiety too, would prefer to get better without increasing the dosage but I do have a CBT appointment next week. Xx
    • ian88610
      ian88610 Kat1988

      Posted

      I suffered my first depression in 2006, but I didn't like the idea of medicine, so I worked out ate healthy went for long walks and eventually I started to feel better, however my depression has returned and I have turned to meds this time, I went for my CBT assessment on Monday and just seeking help lifted my spirits, I have more bad days than good but as Sarah says it does get better, I had an understanding partner the last time I went through it but this time I have to go it alone which is why I turned to meds and help this time, there is no set limit to how long you will feel down for because everyone is different, however would your nanny like to see you like this? I don't think she would, here is a quote I heared at my meditation class which rang true "there are enough people in our lives giving us a hard time, without us doing it to ourselves" :-)
    • sarah86347
      sarah86347 Kat1988

      Posted

      Hello, yes I did! About 4 months but it wasnt exactly after the trauma. For example I was hospitalised by my partner in 2011 and I never 'grieved' for that, I actually did that very recently, sometimes your emotions are not in sync with the event, it may take time. 

      The other think I did not mention was rumination - time spent worrying abuit worrying, and thinking about thinking eg "why do i feel this way" "when is it going to end" Have you found yourself doing this? If you have then that's whats making it worse. I always used to think why, if someone has had the same or similar experience to me, are they not thiking the same way and its basically because theyhave thoughts but they dont worry about them, same about moods. They allow them and know they will pass. You possibly sound like I did where you get a bit caught up  thinking why, when, which adds to it. try and notice when you are doing it and dont do it. Its hard at first because its a habit, but just focus on the fact that it will go away and the whys, ifs and hows do not matter. I hope this helps xxxx

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