Iv had a major relapse after a major breakthrough

Thanks for replying Jackie. I'm reaching out as best I can for help. Nobody in my family knows my condition or none of my friends. I confided in a new friend who i had only just met because they have suffered the same as myself. Its been a tough tough day. I'm thankful that iv not made mistakes ibhave done in the past. I used a lot of sleeping pills on a continuous cycle on days in between having my daughter as I couldn't face the day. Last night I decided that today word be spent in my bed and if things got too much I'd buy a box of pills and a litre of whiskey. That was genuinely my plans for today. Thankfully I haven't done that. But I feel worthless right now and this overwhelming feeling that I dont deserve any happiness PR good thing in my life again. I'm haunted every day buy what I have done to the people I love. Its a mistake iv made all to often. Granted I never knew why I kept hurting people I love and with hindsight I can accept it was due in some part to this illness. I cannot blame it all on that but not knowing this was the reason for some on my thoughts and behaviour made it difficult for me to understand what was wrong. I cannot remove this guilt and deep dislike for myself. I punish myself as often as I can for my mistakes. I'm really at a low ebb tonight and the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away right now. I'm not so sure I'll reach it this time

The best course of therapy I ever had was group therapy, surrounded by people experiencing similar problems  made me realise  I was not alone.

Feeling worthless, guilt, shame and you don't deserve love is all part of it.  I felt like a burden to my family but it was my family who gave me the motivation to get through it. 

Unfortunately many people push their loved ones away and when D goes untreated much damage is done to relationships.  I am currently in the middle of a weird Divorce my husband directing blame and anger towards me and I have done nothing wrong but reality is he won't face his problems and thinks the a new relationship with the alcoholic, changing his job, where he lives and excessive drinking will solve his problems, having had anxiety I know he can't keep running from it.

I think you are much stronger than you think and realise, you will get through this because you've made so much effort already.

Hi Wliiam I am reading your post and feel my heart strings pulled.  You sound like a lovely caring man and I do feel so much for you. 

I agree with Jackie that it's much too soon to talk of a reconciliation and that you should just continue as you are for the time being with your wife.   Who knows what will happen in the future?   I must admit in her position I would find it hard to trust you again and it would take a bit longer than a few months.    If you are feeling like this now then she is right isn't she?  

Married life is never plain sailing and say you were together again and had a major setback then reacted like this with her again.   It would destroy her trust for good.  

You say you have suffered from depression for many years,  so expect it to take quite some time to sort out so you can be the person you once were.  Try not to be too hard on yourself as depression is a horrible illness and I am sure it is responsible for the vast majority it not all of the way you have behaved in the past. 

You can't change the past only the future.  Make sure yours is changed for the better.   This is the best way to make amends for any hurt you have previously inflicted on your loved ones.   We all hurt each other though don't we so I am sure it is not all you. 

Don't punish yourself - praise yourself for having the courage to admit to your depression and seek treatment.   You are becoming more self aware every day.  You are not to blame for your depression you know as it strikes randomly and it is nothing you have said or done which has caused it.   x 

 

Thanks for the kind replies. I thought I was through this. I thought I was getting there. I love my wife and my daughter so much. I hate this right now. I feel ill everyday again. The only thing that's stopping me here is the thought of my daughter living her life with the stigma of her dad ending his life. Or is one day knowing her dad tried to hurt her mum going to be enough for her to not want a relationship with me. I don't know what to do anymore but it needs to be something and soon . this pain of nothingness in my life. When I discovered all this about me I was euphoric. I suddenly realised why I was the way I am. I let my wife get on with her lifeand did not want to tell her this. I didn't want her to think I had an excuse for my behaviour. I let her get on with things. She went out on dates. It killed me inside but I stayed out of it. and we crossed paths again. We were so close and now it seems so far away. I'm further back than square one. Not just with my wife but with everything and I don't think its in me to get to a starting point again never mind a good point. If this is life you can keep it

Hi William it is only 6 months since your had your breakdown isn't it?   Like I said if you have been depressed for a long time then it might take quite a while for you to start to feel better.   You are trying to run before you can walk. 

What's to stop you from seeing your wife and family on a casual basis for the foreseeable future?   Why does it have to be an urgent decision now?   You can't use others as a prop you know and rely on them to make you better - it doesn't work like that.   You have to make yourself better and stronger and you are working on that now.  

Your wife obviously doesn't think you are better yet and it sounds like she is right if you react to a setback like this.   She is clearly not willing to trust her future and that of the kids to you yet but she might be one day.  It's not all about you you know!    If you force the issue you run the risk of losing her for good.   You will be putting your problems onto her and in effect telling her that she is the answer to you becoming well again.  What a burdon for her and your children to carry.

You are grossly underestimating depression.   It's not something you can deal with quickly,  it 's a long slow process but I am confident you will get there in the future.   Put aside decisions for now and concentrate on getting better.    A big hug for you.   Bev xx

Hey. Thank you & You're absaloutely right. Last night was just sheer desperation from me. It was the most difficult iv had in a long long time. I got up this morning and went to work. Small steps and all that. I poured my heart out last night. I just miss my family so much. I know if I had them back a lot of this wouldn't be as unbareable as it is. But they deserve happiness too and when I was me before knowing I was suffering from this I wasnt a particularly good man or husband. I'm struggling a lot right now

I am always right William   Often with depression it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back but with your attitide and dilligence you will get there in the end.  Think of it as a voyage of discovery - finding out who you are and who you will become.  It's exciting isn't it?   Self discovery and self awareness are always worth fighting for in the end.   The result will be a new you and a better and happier life. 

Hold on to this when the going gets tough love and remember we are all here for you.   Take care  Bev xx

 

Thanks Bev. Your words are kind and appreciated. I have a group session tomorrow evening and a session with my counselor on Friday afternoon . my daughter is staying with me tonight also. I'll enjoy my big hugs from my princess tonight.