Iv had a major relapse after a major breakthrough

Posted , 4 users are following.

6 months ago I reached out to counselor to help me following a break up from my wife. I came home blind drunk and I was abusive towards her. She rightly packed her bags and left. The feelings of guilt and shame haunted me to the point of planning suicide. I said a few Goodbys to people in a way they never knew. I called the Samaritan hotline and stayed another day. Following my sessions with a counselor we agreed after 4 sessions I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I was unaware that I was for quite a lot of my adult life. I went to my GP and was given citaloparam after a couple of weeks I felt the medication working. I began to move on with my life and I never told my wife what was going on with me as she deserved to move on with her life. Several months later after me helping my wife with family issues of hers we began to talk about things. I explained whatbhad happened and after meeting a few times she understood. We have slowly been building a bit of a relationship again. I spent Christmas at her new house with her and my daughter as her bday is Xmas eve also. My wedding anniversary on 31st December. Myself and my wife spoke recently of a reconsolidation. However she very quickly decided via text message this was notnnot what wanted. I have been in a very fast downward spiral and I am drowning very quickly. I have contacted my counselor again and have an appointment for Friday next week. Iv been in my bed all day and inam going through a really really hard time right now. My energy is gone. My house is a mess. I look a mess iv no intention of going to work tomorrow and I can't face what's outside of my bedroom door. Its been a while since ib had a day like this and its really hit me hard. Dark thought are running through my mind again and I just don't have it inside of me to get up and go again.

0 likes, 9 replies

Report / Delete

9 Replies

  • Posted

    You should be congratulated on recognising you were unwell and seeking help and treatment and making the effort, it by no means easy, I would compare it to climbing Everest. 

    I have been both sides of where you are now, I have recovered from my own anxiety and Depression which has been persistant throughout my life and the man I loved and was married to for over 30 years left myself and kids 28 months ago.  He went to sort his head but never sorted his head, remains untreated and with an alcoholic girlfriend.

    Although I have been severely ill with depression and anxiety the torturous behaviour from my husband has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

    I think it maybe to early to discuss reconsiliation, perhaps you both need more time, not rush things and take things slowly.  I really feel for you as I can hear from you pouring your heart out that you are trying your best and I think it unfair that instead of having a proper conversation it was sent by text.

    I'm pleased to hear you've contacted the counsellor.

    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Thanks for replying Jackie. I'm reaching out as best I can for help. Nobody in my family knows my condition or none of my friends. I confided in a new friend who i had only just met because they have suffered the same as myself. Its been a tough tough day. I'm thankful that iv not made mistakes ibhave done in the past. I used a lot of sleeping pills on a continuous cycle on days in between having my daughter as I couldn't face the day. Last night I decided that today word be spent in my bed and if things got too much I'd buy a box of pills and a litre of whiskey. That was genuinely my plans for today. Thankfully I haven't done that. But I feel worthless right now and this overwhelming feeling that I dont deserve any happiness PR good thing in my life again. I'm haunted every day buy what I have done to the people I love. Its a mistake iv made all to often. Granted I never knew why I kept hurting people I love and with hindsight I can accept it was due in some part to this illness. I cannot blame it all on that but not knowing this was the reason for some on my thoughts and behaviour made it difficult for me to understand what was wrong. I cannot remove this guilt and deep dislike for myself. I punish myself as often as I can for my mistakes. I'm really at a low ebb tonight and the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away right now. I'm not so sure I'll reach it this time
      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      The best course of therapy I ever had was group therapy, surrounded by people experiencing similar problems  made me realise  I was not alone.

      Feeling worthless, guilt, shame and you don't deserve love is all part of it.  I felt like a burden to my family but it was my family who gave me the motivation to get through it. 

      Unfortunately many people push their loved ones away and when D goes untreated much damage is done to relationships.  I am currently in the middle of a weird Divorce my husband directing blame and anger towards me and I have done nothing wrong but reality is he won't face his problems and thinks the a new relationship with the alcoholic, changing his job, where he lives and excessive drinking will solve his problems, having had anxiety I know he can't keep running from it.

      I think you are much stronger than you think and realise, you will get through this because you've made so much effort already.

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi Wliiam I am reading your post and feel my heart strings pulled.  You sound like a lovely caring man and I do feel so much for you. 

      I agree with Jackie that it's much too soon to talk of a reconciliation and that you should just continue as you are for the time being with your wife.   Who knows what will happen in the future?   I must admit in her position I would find it hard to trust you again and it would take a bit longer than a few months.    If you are feeling like this now then she is right isn't she?  

      Married life is never plain sailing and say you were together again and had a major setback then reacted like this with her again.   It would destroy her trust for good.  

      You say you have suffered from depression for many years,  so expect it to take quite some time to sort out so you can be the person you once were.  Try not to be too hard on yourself as depression is a horrible illness and I am sure it is responsible for the vast majority it not all of the way you have behaved in the past. 

      You can't change the past only the future.  Make sure yours is changed for the better.   This is the best way to make amends for any hurt you have previously inflicted on your loved ones.   We all hurt each other though don't we so I am sure it is not all you. 

      Don't punish yourself - praise yourself for having the courage to admit to your depression and seek treatment.   You are becoming more self aware every day.  You are not to blame for your depression you know as it strikes randomly and it is nothing you have said or done which has caused it.   x 

       

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Thanks for the kind replies. I thought I was through this. I thought I was getting there. I love my wife and my daughter so much. I hate this right now. I feel ill everyday again. The only thing that's stopping me here is the thought of my daughter living her life with the stigma of her dad ending his life. Or is one day knowing her dad tried to hurt her mum going to be enough for her to not want a relationship with me. I don't know what to do anymore but it needs to be something and soon . this pain of nothingness in my life. When I discovered all this about me I was euphoric. I suddenly realised why I was the way I am. I let my wife get on with her lifeand did not want to tell her this. I didn't want her to think I had an excuse for my behaviour. I let her get on with things. She went out on dates. It killed me inside but I stayed out of it. and we crossed paths again. We were so close and now it seems so far away. I'm further back than square one. Not just with my wife but with everything and I don't think its in me to get to a starting point again never mind a good point. If this is life you can keep it
      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hi William it is only 6 months since your had your breakdown isn't it?   Like I said if you have been depressed for a long time then it might take quite a while for you to start to feel better.   You are trying to run before you can walk. 

      What's to stop you from seeing your wife and family on a casual basis for the foreseeable future?   Why does it have to be an urgent decision now?   You can't use others as a prop you know and rely on them to make you better - it doesn't work like that.   You have to make yourself better and stronger and you are working on that now.  

      Your wife obviously doesn't think you are better yet and it sounds like she is right if you react to a setback like this.   She is clearly not willing to trust her future and that of the kids to you yet but she might be one day.  It's not all about you you know!    If you force the issue you run the risk of losing her for good.   You will be putting your problems onto her and in effect telling her that she is the answer to you becoming well again.  What a burdon for her and your children to carry.

      You are grossly underestimating depression.   It's not something you can deal with quickly,  it 's a long slow process but I am confident you will get there in the future.   Put aside decisions for now and concentrate on getting better.    A big hug for you.   Bev xx

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Hey. Thank you & You're absaloutely right. Last night was just sheer desperation from me. It was the most difficult iv had in a long long time. I got up this morning and went to work. Small steps and all that. I poured my heart out last night. I just miss my family so much. I know if I had them back a lot of this wouldn't be as unbareable as it is. But they deserve happiness too and when I was me before knowing I was suffering from this I wasnt a particularly good man or husband. I'm struggling a lot right now
      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      I am always right William smile  Often with depression it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back but with your attitide and dilligence you will get there in the end.  Think of it as a voyage of discovery - finding out who you are and who you will become.  It's exciting isn't it?   Self discovery and self awareness are always worth fighting for in the end.   The result will be a new you and a better and happier life. 

      Hold on to this when the going gets tough love and remember we are all here for you.   Take care  Bev xx

       

      Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Thanks Bev. Your words are kind and appreciated. I have a group session tomorrow evening and a session with my counselor on Friday afternoon . my daughter is staying with me tonight also. I'll enjoy my big hugs from my princess tonight.
      Report / Delete Reply

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up