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Quite alot lately ive been thinking about my suicide (really every second im not distacted by something), ive been picturing my funeral, my parents and siblings crying as im lowered into the ground, sounds terrible but thats just what im thinking. I still havnt seen a doctor or therapist, Just hasnt happened because i dont have the motivation to even leave my room. I have tried to cry but i really cant feel emotion, my family are really noticing that. Im always hoping to be bedriden by some accident or sickness, though i would feel bad for the person made to look after me. Schools over for now so i have zero distraction from these thoughts except video games which i know are not good for me and im wasting my life, as im constantly told, but if i didnt have them i would have stepped into traffic years ago, ive been feeling like this as long as i remember and my parents dont think its that big of a deal because i havnt even scratched the surface when explaining how i feel. Sorry for this, i know that someone will say you just have to talk to someone but i would never tell full truths and get wronly diagnosed and i would tell a counciler, if thay asked how i was doing, that i was better when im not. Thats just how i am, no changing that.I know that someone will say to just talk to someone but i dont see the point. Really dont want to continue living, only reason im still here is because i found this sight while researching painless suicide methods.
(not really worrying about punctuation just rambling)
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