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Hi all I'm new here and don't know if this is the right category or not.. But anyway, having a look through these forums I can see there are people clearly suffering more than I am so it puts things into perspective... After a breakdown a year and a half ago (still not entirely sure why) I went on Sertraline for a year and have now come off it and have been off it for about 2 months. I came off it after a drug problem (cannabis substitutes) and eventual overdose (immediately stopping after this happened). The first 3 days coming off it were horrific but after that I only felt better with each day. Things were great for about a month, then I left home to return to uni which went fine for a few weeks now I'm back to feeling terrible.
I've always dealt with things internally and still do, as I don't know how to do it otherwise. I have no feedback from the world and it feels like I'm just bouncing off the prison bars of my own mind. I don't really have any friends right now as I get too tense around people. It feels like I have two options, pretend to be cheerful and feel awkward in doing so, or just let out the depression and just talk about how bad being depressed is. This seems like an obvious choice for me but it means that I only get to talk about these things with my therapist.
Anyway I guess other people here have this problem but I feel like 99% of my conscious time is spent just 'thinking' over the fact that I am depressed/anxious and ruminating it, why am I feeling like it, how can I solve it and so on.. It doesn't end. It's such a waste of time if anything, I can't learn anything new, I can't enjoy anything, I can't live in the moment... All I do is think, think, think.
One thing that seems to separate me from others is that my depression isn't externally caused, or doesn't feel like it. I corner myself internally. What's going on in my life or the world externally doesn't seem to have much effect on how I am internally. I don't know who or what I am so how could the world possibly affect me when I haven't even determined these things yet..?
Any help is very welcome
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