Just need to.......

Posted , 3 users are following.

Not sure on anything really, just need to don't really know either. Had OHS phone call on Thursday following refferal from my manager for advice due to my behaviour/things I;ve been saying which I don't remember. Anyway cutting it short answered her questions honestly, the normal questionaire about suicidal feeling/worthlessness etc over the past two weeks. I could tell she was getting worried then a anxiety questionaire which I;ve never had before the last question was "If I told you you would die in the next hour what is your answer" mine was relieved. she then said I will have to contact your GP, talk to your manager as I was a high risk then ring me back I just said ok. I don't really care plus. Why can't I lie? it would save a lot of hassle, except all the hiding away my emotions, feelings, that has happened over the years I have hidden has caused all these problems so be honest. The call back was contact my GP for an emergency appointment and shouldn't be at work which I lost it then as I wouldn't be paid, my GP/CMHT/psychaitrsit all say I'm better off at work it give me something to concentrate on, occupy myself I rhought I was doing ok over the past months apart from a few hiccups. Saw GP he gave me medical certificate saying I am fit for work. My boss wants an opinion from human resorces who he couldn't get thorugh to for advice. i;ve been in contact with the union too.  

I've been busy all weekend, exercising, walking socialising even cookedm yself a meal no wonder the snow is low down on the mountains. Plucked up the courage to light a fire as I am scared of opne fires. Today is a year aniversary of the death of my mother just remembered that I don't feel anything of that either. Dreading work tomorrow want ot just tell them to stuff it,  if they are going to give me hassle which I cannot cope with, sorry I'm rambling now been on the sauce as dreading tomorrow. Is life really worth all this heartache and hassle??????

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Tina,

    Could  it be possible that you are experiencing the normal stages of grieving since your mother's death. That's hard to cope with on your own,do you have family support. 

    There may be meds for you and groups that can help you direct your feelings in a constructive way. Grieving can change personality character and depression all have a impact on behaviors thru anger a loss of a loved one.

    The five stages of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some timeline in grief. Grieving is different for everyone.

    Many blessings and condolences for the loss of your mother.

    (((( hugs )))

    Hope

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    • Posted

      Hi thanks for your reply stages of grieving been round and round those following death of my husband 2 years ago, then my aunt then my mother so haven't really got a clue where I am in that cycle. Still on the fast spin.

      Thank you for your condolances and blessing hugs too. 

      i'm just getting so tired again I think I'm getting somewhere then out of the blue something else kicks me down that deep hole again. Hey ho just keep going I suppose for a while again..x

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  • Posted

    Dear Tina,

    You have come a long way. Might sound like a cliche and you might not care to admit it but I have been encouraged by your posts, inspired by your fearlessness, and caught up in your journey. Those of us who share your journey fight the same hard battle every day. We have different challenges but the relief when we get to the end of the day is fairly common. Maybe even the desire not to wake up and repeat the effort tomorrow.  It's a slog but it's one I think you are winning. Slapped wrist for me for talking about life in terms of winning and losing when really it's about surviving with some quality to it which makes the effort worthwhile. I know you regularly partake in risk-taking behaviour. It's part of who you are in this chapter of your life. If I had known you longer I might think it was part of who you have always been. There are reasons why you are the way you are. I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing...it would scare the hell out of me if I caught myself doing it ;-)

    Don't worry about work tmrw - you have faced a lot worse challenges. What will be will be. That might sound a bit dismissive but it's not meant to. I'd just like to take the pressure off you a bit. What's the worst that could happen? I've lost my job due to my depression and I thought the world would come crashing down. In my case, I found it a relief. OK, my employer gave up on me and OH ran out of options but I don't think you are anywhere near that stage yet. There's time for things to improve. It sounds like work is a constructive and positive thing in your life right now so I'm hoping they will make every effort they can to keep you contributing. Maybe they can make some adjustments to relieve the pressure you are under. They do have a duty of care to you after all.

    I'll be thinking of you tmrw and hope that all goes smoothly. Let us know how you get on. Sending you hugs of encouragement & belief in you :-) xx 

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    • Posted

      Thanks I think you;ve almost got me down to a tee, I was a risk taker before my marriage, that sort of calmed me down but that has all gone to pot again but the risks are more drastic you'd think a mature lol woman would have more sense!!!

      Thanks you for your concern, sorry you lost your job through depression I feel if I got told to go off sick again I would just stick two fingers up and just give up at least it gets me out of bed in the morning and I do actually do nearly al aspects of my job its the duty of care plus I suppose they don't want to get the blame if I did just top myself during the working day. I don't know. Better go to bed it's late.

      Thank you for the hugs and encouragement, you take care xx

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    • Posted

      I hope all went ok today Tina. Anything that gets you up in the morning is positive and getting paid is even better ;-) You are doing your best and hopefully they can see that. Keep us posted. Also happy to sponsor you when you do your parachute jump ;-) xx
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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for thinking of me, hope your day was good even though it was a cold one here, day was ok nothing said as my manager hadn;t got any reply back from HR but the more I have been thinking about this how can they who don;t know me are not medical people make decisions about wether I stay at work of not. How dare they it is making me angry, frightened.

      Have had morbid thoughts again this evening even after doing my exercise class and staying off the alcohol for a change. Even debating taking a mirtazapine to see if that would make me sleep all night even though I;ve been off them for near as dam it a year, stupid or what. Mind want stop jumping from one thing to another tried reading, crosswords, rubbish on the TV. 

      I;ve done indoor sky diving but a real parchute jump maybe!!!frown

      Thank you, you do not know how much I appreciate you and the people on here. Especially as I seem to push people away or feel as if I am being a nusiance to the NHS, CMHT. sorry feeling really fed up.  

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    • Posted

      No need to apologise - you are doing all the right things to keep going and being strong. It's others who can cause us frustration but don't let them get you down. My insomnia is terrible at the moment so I spend half the night listening to classical music to soothe me, read, crosswords. I hope you drift off to the Land of Nod soon. Sleep is always the best part of my day ;-) Take care x

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