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just to say hi and a little info about me

Posted , 3 users are following.

stuart1986
stuart1986

Well where to start lol

I have

1. Extremely anxious

2. Pseudo auditory hallucinations very violent theme

3. Aggressive and violent thoughts towards people

4. Anti social personally traits

5. PTSD

Every night for 20 years I have dreams of killing people in a very violent way. I can't leave the house because I see everyones week spots and how quick I could kill them I've tryed quiet places even going out for walls at night. I go to gym does not help

0 likes, 20 replies

20 Replies

  • Pipalongstockin
    Pipalongstockin stuart1986

    Posted

    Are you on medication I think for the safety of others and yourself you need to be and councilling
    • stuart1986
      stuart1986 Pipalongstockin

      Posted

      yes im on medication have been foe last ten years iv tryed loads of meds nothing ever worked I've as for councilling I've seen loads of different people they have all said I need to be careful but I need help so I thought I would try herewink

    • Pipalongstockin
      Pipalongstockin stuart1986

      Posted

      It must be awful for you and I really sympathise. All I can say is just try and keep having psychotherapy and continue taking medication. Maybe your not on the right one. If you feel you want to kill people then im sure you should be getting better support but my experience from the mental health team isnt good im always at war with them . Wish you all the best and its good your trying to get help instead of withdrawning away somewhere smile
    • stuart1986
      stuart1986 Pipalongstockin

      Posted

      I have a good nurse who comes sees me every month im always at war to im always reminded if I act up on my feeling and thoughts I would be put away for life witch at the moment it sounds more appealing as I would be on my own and away from public
    • NickOliver
      NickOliver stuart1986

      Posted

      I have also been there - wherever you go you won't be on your own. Do your nurses etc know that you are having these thoughts. The fact is that you have not acted on these thoughts - and you had best not to.

      Do you work? The worse thing is to be brooding. You need to keep active.

      I also have had terrible thoughts and suicidal ideations, but I no longer have them. I have occasional thoughts that life is difficult, but I had such thoughts for a largeish part of the last 30 years. But with medication, counselling and keeping active I have got rid of them.

      When you say you have had counselling - the counselling I have had is just talking to the counselling with occasional feedback or clarification - in all cases if they think you are a danger to yourself they will report it to your doctors or hospital.

      Are you under a hospital?

  • titabeth
    titabeth stuart1986

    Posted

    You don't say what your ptsd stems from, are you ex forces?
  • titabeth
    titabeth stuart1986

    Posted

    It sounds like you need a way of stopping these thoughts, changing them into something else.  It is great that so far, they are just thoughts, however distressing, it is just a thought.  I used to get very scared and anxious when I had thoughts of harming myself, but was lucky enough to know I wouldn't actually do it.  I have learnt through cognitive behavioural therapy, and buddhist meditation on my breath, to let these thoughts go, not dwell on them, and affirm positive ones. I still get them occasionally, but I realize they are part of depression in  my case and some ptsd. it is me that's thinking them, although at first I could not recognise it was me, but through psychotherapy, medication, CBT, and calming meditation exercises, realised they were me, an unpleasant part of me.  I call that part 'LOMAX' so when I get them now, which is rare these days, (7 years psychotherapy) I just say to  myself 'Oh lomax GO AWAY, I am not listening to you'.  Then I deliberately and consciously visualise, flowers, or the ocean, or some other pleasant scene.  I also take deep slow breaths.  I also came to realise that alot of those kinds of thoughts stemmed from either unexpressed anger, or anger I felt I had no right to express.  I was very afraid of my own anger, mainly because of the anger I had had directed at me by other in the form of physical abuse.  I was afraid if I let my anger out I would harm not just myself but other.  I am very pleased to say that I have never laid so much as a finger on anyone in my life, just as I believe you will never do.  Good luck, and keep seeking help.
    • stuart1986
      stuart1986 titabeth

      Posted

      I've been told im a danger to the public and if I act up on my thoughts again then I would be put away for long time

      See my dreams are like im actually there I feel my self chopping and stabbing people to death I feel there warm blood all over my body and hands

      IV tryed to keep my self bissy going to work and gym I try stick to it but nothing worked for me iv tryed talking,writing,psychotherapy, they can see I want to change but because I acted up on my thoughts before they walk on egg shels with me

  • titabeth
    titabeth stuart1986

    Posted

    Okay, stuart1986, I can see why you consider yourself a danger to others.  Perhaps you could consider voluntarily placing yourself in hospital.rolleyes
    • NickOliver
      NickOliver titabeth

      Posted

      He should try! But if he does really consider himself at a risk to himself then he might present himself at A&E. But he will see an on-duty psychiatrist and quite likely be told to go home after a while of observation.

      If he goes to A&E saying that he wants to kill someone else I wouldn't try.

      You are a voluntary patient if one accepts being admitted in to hospital.

      But this is far from certain. These days, not just for financial reasons, they want to treat people in the community.

      The first thing is to go to your doctor and ask to see a psychiatrist. If you are already seeing one and you feel unsafe you should speak to your care coordinator.

      If you feel really unsafe then go to A&E. You are unlikely to be admitted, particularly if you are already known to the system.

      But the fact is you don't act on  your thoughts. Many of us here have had terrible thoughts but the important thing is that we don't act on them.

      Have you tried group therapy ie with people who whill have similar experiences?

      Sorry, these ideas are for Stuart.

    • stuart1986
      stuart1986 titabeth

      Posted

      I thought about it but last time a was in hospital my behaviour was worse I ended up in a police cell where a doctor came out to see me that's the only time iv felt safe

      I don't enjoy being the way I am but iv accepted it iv never wanted to hurt any body violence is all I know I learned everything from mum who was very violent with me im lucky to be alive especially after my head injury witch see did to me when my dad took care of me it was to late the damage was done

      Just so you people know I don't enjoy being the way I am im not big headed and I don't show off im very shy and real quiet I don't real have any close friends or family but im not on my own ever

    • NickOliver
      NickOliver stuart1986

      Posted

      Have they looked in to your head injury. I had an MRI scan 20 years after I had concussion after hitting my head in a cycle accident.

      I can still feel the bump on the back of my head - particularly after I have had my hair cut short.

      How old are you? Do you work? How do you spend your day? Do you live on your own?

    • stuart1986
      stuart1986 NickOliver

      Posted

      I'm 28 and I can't work im on esa I did have a job where I worked for free they took full advantage of me

      I spend my days with my kids trying to live a family life (not working) I live with my kids and partner she tryes a lot to understand and helps me just im very unsettled but I can't bond with anybody sad

    • NickOliver
      NickOliver stuart1986

      Posted

      But you live with a wife and kids - so what do you mean that  you can't bond with anybody?

      I don't have any/many close friends, but I go to an orchestra and sing in a choir. So I would say that I am not good at making friends - or maybe I don't suffer fools gladly wink But I wouldn't go quite so far as to say I don't bond with anybody.

      I have never had a long term relationship and I don't have kids (I am 61).

    • stuart1986
      stuart1986 NickOliver

      Posted

      Bond as I don't connect with my kids iv never told any body I love them

    • NickOliver
      NickOliver stuart1986

      Posted

      If you don't mind me asking - how did you get together with a partner - and you bonded enough with her to have kids.
    • stuart1986
      stuart1986 NickOliver

      Posted

      I wanted to help other people so I worked for free at a nursing home that's where we meet

      The reason we had kids was because I never rapped up before sex

      I won't abandon my kids even tho we don't bond I find ever day is a struggle sometimes I would like to be back in police cell where I felt safe

    • NickOliver
      NickOliver stuart1986

      Posted

      Of course, you will feel safe in a police cell. A couple of times I have been in hospital - besides for mental health issues.

      I had a cycle accident and why would I feel safe after that. I was cycling round Holland on my own and I had to find accommodation each night at a youth hostel. I was cycling massive amounts each day, and it was a real struggle.

      So when I ended up in hospital with concussion, it was probably a massive relief. I no longer have to worry about my meals, my accommodation.

      Yet I was there with a seriou injury and so why should I feel like that.

      Being in hospital is like going home to live with one's parents. You no longer have any responsibility.

      So really being locked up is a fantasy - no longer having responsibilities. But you do have responsibilities - you have 2 young children- whether you bond with them they are yours.

      Whether you rapped up (I assume that you mean that you never took precautions) before you had sex you need to take responsibility for your own actions.

      Oscar Wilde said in a play that to do somethiing once is an accident, to do it twice is carelessness.

      So instead of feeling sorry for yourself just deal with what hand life has given you.

      What is stopping you from getting the same care work - voluntary or paid?

      Everyone has to struggle through life.

    • stuart1986
      stuart1986 NickOliver

      Posted

      Woke up today half my face gone knumb can't close my eye was dribbiling like a child just back from a and e I have belposey can't tell you how I feel can't see out of my left eye aaaarrrrrrsmile
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