Just want to go to sleep and not wake

Posted , 5 users are following.

bad day today

too scared to try Incase I f### it up

feel guilty at leaving the mess behind

my son is 18, it would mess him up

my husband is good mostly, but doesn’t realise how little self worth I have

have work injury since last sept, it’s just made it harder to look for silver linings

i have good life, nice things

just can’t get out the hole, so tired of it all, 

cant believe I’m looking at ways to end it

so scared, so sad

0 likes, 11 replies

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    Elaine, I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. Are you able to discuss how you feel with your husband? Perhaps you need to see your doctor as well, as you may need a change of medication? I do feel for you as I have felt this low myself. You're right when you say that overdosing would mess up your son's life and your husband's. They would no doubt feel incredibly guilty for not realising just how low you feel. Another reason to talk to them and to see the doctor. Feel free to come back to me if you wish to. Hope you feel a bit better in yourself soon xxxx

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  • Posted

    Hello Elaine

    I agree with Dodyg - leaving your family behind only creates problems and does not solve any at all. Deep down you know this and love them too much to put them through losing you. Talking to your husband calmly if possible to tell him how awful your are feeling, how low and unable to feel any self worth would be a good first step to resolve this awful depression you are going through. Helping him to understand even a little and asking him for support and love during this time will at least open his eyes to what is an enormous problem for you. If he is unable to accept what you are saying and tells you to pull your socks up or something equally hard for you to hear, please please ring The Samaritans and tell them. Their training enables them to listen without judgement to each individuals story and offer help to you when you need it most. Once you have some support you will feel able to tackle what seems to be an enormous mountain that you simply cannot climb alone. Depression is no respecter of person from high to low, from having a good life to feeling there is no life. Prince Harry recently told us that he had suffered after his Mother died and that talking therapy over the years has helped him through it - here is a man you would think has everything in Life and yet he could not tackle his depression on his own.

    Please, talk to someone soon!! Your husband, the Samaritans or feel free to private message me if you would like to and I promise I will listen. I will keep you in my thoughts x

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your kindness, it lifted my spirits.

      shame is the worst part when I think of other’s sufferings. I have so much to be grateful for, but when the ‘black dog’ rears it’s ugly head it’s so hard.

      my work injury has not helped and I worry if I’ll get back......I’m a theatre nurse.

      I spoke to my husband tonight, I fear it just adds to his stress over me, then the shame hits again!

      Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I just keep praying for strength.

      thanks again Elizabeth xx

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    • Posted

      There should be no Shame attached to Depression Elaine - you did not ask for this unseen illness and I know how hard it is to explain to others how it makes you feel. I am glad that you reached out and tried! Is it just Fear that makes you think your Husband stresses over you taking to him, or is it the more likely that he needs time to process what you told him? Keep on talking to him and ask him how it makes him feel. In time understanding one for the other may grow. 

      is your work injury back related? I understand that being a theatre Nurse you need to be in good shape to carry out your duties and how difficult this would be if the injury continues to dog you. What help are you getting and is it sufficient?

      Yes, tomorrow is another day and I pray alongside you to find the strength to manage your situation. You are not alone and I do hope that the appropriate health professionals are looking after you as they should. You will find the warrior within in time but if ever you need to chat again please feel free to contact me or pm any time.

      I send you healing, light and Blessings xx

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  • Posted

    I agree with the last posts to you,they are both understanding caring people. Listen to them carefully. I want to tell you that my eldest son committed suicide and as his mother I will never get over it.neither will his siblings. Why hurt them for the rest of their lives. Deep down they care for you and love you, they just don't understand how you feel. Please get help immediately..the phone lines for Samaritans is open 24/7 so there is someone there who can help you right now.

    We are all here for you. Listen and consider what your suicide would do to your family and friends. Please don't hurt them. I cannot ever get my son out of my mind, his pain is now my pain. Let people love you. we all do. Hugs..G

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  • Posted

    Hi there Elaine. I get where you're at. Sorry you are feeling those at & unable yo talk to someone. Sometimes just sayi g it out loud will change your mind set . Please try though. Speak to your GP if you can , it could be a side effect of medication that youre on.? Or just speak here . There is a lot of support on here as well as those that identify how it feels for you . Or do what someone has suggested and speak to the Samaritins. Message me if you need to as I don't mind listening. Please don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do . It's normal.

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    • Posted

      Thanks so much jacqueline, just reading the kindness from strangers has lifted my spirits.

      i only take low dose lyrica and celebrex, I don’t like the stronger meds or antidepressants.

      my GP has been so great with me and he has seen me struggle, I am presently seeing a clinical psychologist, referred by the neurosurgeon I saw last month.

      His thinking is that I am catastrophing, which makes me think my pain is in head!!

      I left his office feeling so much lower!! 

      I have a disc bulge, labral tear and some bursitis in my left hip, I can’t sit for long nor sleep on my left side without the pain increasing!! This has been since last September when the work injury occurred. Now I’m in the ‘chronic pain’ catagory.

      its hard to stay positive at times.

      My self worth is running low, I just don’t know what my future will be regarding my career as a theatre nurse.

      anyway, thank you again for taking the time to message, it means so much.

      take care x


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    • Posted

      You are welcome. Sorry you are in so much pain. And of course , chronic pain causes depression as it's so difficult to live with. The fear of not being able to go back to work is a worry for anyone. I have been through that too & was medically discharged from work after struggling for a year with symptoms & constant pain from the Benign tumour inside my spine, so know how depressing this can be. 5 years on & I've actually come to terms with being unable to work & accepting my pain & symptoms dictate my day. It's so hard too for family or close ones to understand , as they can't see pain , nor understand debilitating pain. There has been several things that I've found useful and most have been from relaxation techniques , breathing techniques, meditation, swimming & Pilates & walking when I can . Hold on in there, you will find things to do that help by talking to others who know what debilitating pain is like . Most of my pain is from nerve pain & I've found this & Amalytriptaline has helped with my pain. The emotional side though only comes through talking to those that have been through sufferring long term pain. They I find, don't judge & totally understand.

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  • Posted

    Oh Elaine, I have just read your reply to another and see that you are on Lyrica! Now this is something I know a lot about being on it and trying to taper off it myself. This drug is very strong, it changes the brain chemistry and central nervous system with one week of taking it. It can cause depression, brain fog, memory loss, anxiety and so many more side effects. It seems to help chronic pain quite well to start with but then the pain can come back double fold. Depending on your dosage and how long you have taken it this could definitely be making your depression worse. Coming off this drug can be difficult and should be tackled slowly and carefully and no-one should ever come off this cold turkey as it can cause seizures (the very health issue it was originally meant for before being given out for anything and everything). Very few medics will agree with the statements I have made above as they are still thinking this is a wonder drug. Please though read the accompanying leaflet, see what, if any, side effects you have been having by taking it. If there are none (yet) and you believe it is helping you then you can make the choice to continue taking it. If you feel you would like to know more about this drug there is a very caring and supportive group on Fb, Lyrica Survivors (Official) closed, which you can ask to join - there is a wealth of information in their files plus the personal stories of members which you may find helpful. I belong to it and made many good friends worldwide through it. Your story is so like many that I read daily on there but of course it is totally your choice.

    Blessings and happiness to you x

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  • Posted

    Ps: I'd just like to say that I also tried Gabapentin & within 10 days experienced 3 epileptic fits Which is something I had never suffered from before. The Consultant took them off me and told me it was a rare side effect and only a small % off patients had experienced . I had always been reluctant to take any prescribed meds before & since then & have only been on the Amalytriptaline for 8 weeks. They seem to be helping slightly .

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