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Had an emotional sort of day today and I thought perhaps I would share it here. I hope this is okay... This forum has been such a blessing for me and I find sometimes just letting things out on here helps to dispel the weight I feel in carrying.
I also feel very blessed as this forum has introduced me to some very wonderful people.
My other reason for sharing was in hopes of letting others know that they are not alone. Even if just one person reads this and relates, then all this negative energy and worry isn't a total waste.
A few weeks ago my GP diagnosed me with UTD and gave me a steroid nasal spray. At the beginning of this week I began to have trouble with my eyes and it has spiralled into more anxiety (I made a post about this already so I won't go over old ground.)
Today I tried to do some normal activities that I used to always do on a relaxed Sunday. Take a walk, have a warm drink in a nice cafe, spend time with my partner and do a little house work.
Going out was very difficult early this morning. My woozyness was bad and made me feel extremely disorientated amongst crowds of people. The drive home left me with a horrid sense of slow movement and I felt a bit queasy...anxiety grew as my eyes were already feeling like my vision was jittery and I had pressure in my eyes and behind my nose. So in all....panic set in. I tried to relax for a little and later went for a walk but the notion that there is "something terribly wrong with me" was already set well in motion. I have not let on to my partner just how down I am feeling today because our time together has been so controlled by my anxiety over illness that I just couldn't bear to ruin another of our days.
My symptoms go through rapid changes of worsening and lifting... So I have rapid small windows of feeling more normal. Now that I am home and sitting comfortably, I feel much better. Even my eyes are a little easier.
I feel incredibly sad. I think of how I am behaving, how I am feeling. I worry I will die of some un-detected tumour (I have been to my GP countless times since the beginning of this year.)
I begin to think of more somber events from this year, losing a relative and the devastating effect it has had on my family. I then think of all the people I have had in my life who are no longer there (not through death, just the normal parting of ways that life and time can sometimes cause.)
I am not sure what is worse: anxiety of this. This feels like emotional defeat. If I was alone I think I would break down and cry.
I have another appointment set in a few weeks (to review my nasal spray,) and I am going to try and continue with it until then.
I have also only within the last few weeks had a thorough eye test from someone who works in the eye department at my local hospital and he did not spot any cause for concern (I asked for him specifically due to his reputation.)
I try to take comfort from all of this and look forward. I also try to remember how my symptoms began in the first place. I didn't just wake up like this nor did they come on out of the blue. I had a horrible virus.
As someone said to me: I put my right thinking head in and plod on.
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