Keeping On

Posted , 3 users are following.

Had an emotional sort of day today and I thought perhaps I would share it here. I hope this is okay... This forum has been such a blessing for me and I find sometimes just letting things out on here helps to dispel the weight I feel in carrying.

I also feel very blessed as this forum has introduced me to some very wonderful people.

My other reason for sharing was in hopes of letting others know that they are not alone. Even if just one person reads this and relates, then all this negative energy and worry isn't a total waste.

A few weeks ago my GP diagnosed me with UTD and gave me a steroid nasal spray. At the beginning of this week I began to have trouble with my eyes and it has spiralled into more anxiety (I made a post about this already so I won't go over old ground.)

Today I tried to do some normal activities that I used to always do on a relaxed Sunday. Take a walk, have a warm drink in a nice cafe, spend time with my partner and do a little house work.

Going out was very difficult early this morning. My woozyness was bad and made me feel extremely disorientated amongst crowds of people. The drive home left me with a horrid sense of slow movement and I felt a bit queasy...anxiety grew as my eyes were already feeling like my vision was jittery and I had pressure in my eyes and behind my nose. So in all....panic set in. I tried to relax for a little and later went for a walk but the notion that there is "something terribly wrong with me" was already set well in motion. I have not let on to my partner just how down I am feeling today because our time together has been so controlled by my anxiety over illness that I just couldn't bear to ruin another of our days.

My symptoms go through rapid changes of worsening and lifting... So I have rapid small windows of feeling more normal. Now that I am home and sitting comfortably, I feel much better. Even my eyes are a little easier.

I feel incredibly sad. I think of how I am behaving, how I am feeling. I worry I will die of some un-detected tumour (I have been to my GP countless times since the beginning of this year.)

I begin to think of more somber events from this year, losing a relative and the devastating effect it has had on my family. I then think of all the people I have had in my life who are no longer there (not through death, just the normal parting of ways that life and time can sometimes cause.)

I am not sure what is worse: anxiety of this. This feels like emotional defeat. If I was alone I think I would break down and cry.

I have another appointment set in a few weeks (to review my nasal spray,) and I am going to try and continue with it until then.

I have also only within the last few weeks had a thorough eye test from someone who works in the eye department at my local hospital and he did not spot any cause for concern (I asked for him specifically due to his reputation.)

I try to take comfort from all of this and look forward. I also try to remember how my symptoms began in the first place. I didn't just wake up like this nor did they come on out of the blue. I had a horrible virus.

As someone said to me: I put my right thinking head in and plod on.

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    I go through this cycle every week. Some days no symptoms sometimes all at once ... blurry vision , floaters , head pressure , dizziness , can't eat .

    It gets better. Having a good Support network helps so much

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  • Posted

    We all have off days and sometimes if on a nasil spray it can go to far up your nose and can feel a little strage hnce yu said your eyes were ok  after time

    You need to be able to move on after people do tests and say everything is ok. You just cause stress for you and concern for those around you;

    When we loose people through death illness or just moving on can cause real worry and concern, It generally can take about two years to recover from a death, in fact we remember those who pass right through our lives. We have to move on and live our own lives it is what all who have gone expet of us

    You seem to have someone who seems to think a lot of you go for happiness

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    • Posted

      Hello smile yes you are right, I do have someone very special so I am lucky.

      It is very hard to move on as you say. Not impossible but tricky all the same. I think every family has their issues and nothing is ever clear cut, but the stress has not helped me - which sounds very selfish.

      My vision has bothered me and I find myself 'checking' to see if it is still quivering or jittering. If it seems okay then I am alright but if not then I feel my anxiety rear up. To be honest, I have been to my GP so many times and had two eye tests this year...I am really not sure what else I can do now other than try and get on with things.

      I think the trouble is that since February when I first got this virus, I have just wanted some normality within myself and instead of getting better I currently just feel as If I am getting worse and my anxiety is following suit. It's become constant now and every day I experience something else that makes me stack up the symptoms.

      Before February I didn't really suffer from health anxiety...but then, if I was honest, I have never had any trouble with my health bar a few colds before. I think I am dealing with a possible longer term ear issue and I am not able to deal with it.

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