Large fibroid - experiments with alternative therapies - unconclusive

This is extremely long and doesn't actually give any useful reference yet.

Hello,

I am 40 yo and was diagnosed with a tiny uterin fibroid when I was 27, however it wasn't till I was 31 that it grew in what seemed a short period of time, to reach the size of 14cm/9cm/9cm . It was the same fibroid which they had found 5 years before), but it had just grew as one big lump - there are no others in the womb. It is so large that they cannot see where it is attached. It causes no pain. Causes heavy bleeding but herbal medicine and healing are semi-controlling that since a few months.

So I wondered what was happening during that drastic period where I lived an idyllic life, when it grew.

I was going through a very upsetting and stressful relationship by which I felt trapped - we didn't get on sexually after the initial period , yet I was eating mostly organic food, and lived a very healthy, life in the deep countryside (so, pollution wasn't a problem). Is it the stress of those few months relationship that grew it to that size? Or is it due to my childhood? Or is it that there is family recurrence with fibroids? Or is it both? I will never know.

I am very slim, small framed woman (an 8 but 10 with the fibroid) and this fibroid makes me look 6 months pregnant. My partner is very encouraging and tells me i am beautiful despite Lucy(it's how we called "her") and my skin problems ...and it is so lovely to have someone like that . Of course, I do not believe a word he says ( he obviously says it "by pity") and I think instead of myself to be "demodee", now I have lost my only value in life, my body.

Since the fibroid grew so large, I did my best to try absolutely everything I could try to cure it.

Homeopathy. One of the most renowned doctors of the school of homeopathy in York. I followed him for a good year, gave me varied things. No effect. He was really really surprised and wanted me to carry on but my wallet and I lost faith.

I went back to my old classical homeopath who has now treated me for 2 years with remedies, this has not really done it (yet) and as it cost a lot and I couldn't take anything else at the same time I had to stop. It perhaps is still working.

Herbal treatment. I have followed all the advice on the internet. Eaten a lot of pineapple, (hello, mouth sores!) unripe papayas, silk-worm extract (serrapeptase: an enzyme to "eat up the fibroids" till it started eating up my stomach) then there was a very expensive pill you can buy on the internet from the USA at about £89 for a month worth of various herbal extract + £££ postage. No obvious 3 month results. I carried on for 6. The pills were repeating on my stomach by the end and l threw them out. I have also tried boron intake, supplementing with everything I could read that would improve the flow to the pelvis, copper detox (the metal copper is accused of being able to make fibroids grow if too much in the water - In fact, the water was very sour and the pipes copper when it grew– could be coincidence.) The real herbal treatment I am now following is quite drastic, it involves an intense treatment of herbal tea.

The herbal tea is of Nettle, Dandelion root (untoasted), Cleavers, and Yarrow. As I also suffer from bad circulation, another few herbs were added like Gingko and hawthorn. I was to drink 5 mugs a day of this tea. I have done that since last August. It is now ...March. 9 months? Not much sign of any change yet other than vaguely more controlled bleeding which is positive. The other minor health problems due to circulation have not improved yet. Nor have all the skin tags and red moles that have appeared with the fibroid. Also, now I am starting to give the herbal tea up. The taste of the mixed-up yarrow makes me want to vomit. I can't throw it away so started having fresh nettle and cleaver tea instead, but I am growing spots so it can't be good like the old one.

Healing. I have done so much emotional healing in private therapy and started touching at all the causes that could trigger such a large, non-malignant growth, to happen, if such things were created by our thoughts or memories like the new-age books tell us.

Childhood rape and incest - yes. Bullying at school.Yes. Bullying in the family. Yes. There were the odd mental issue too. But only them knew that.

The sex industry is also a culprit for fibroid growth? Yes. Running away from committing to relationships? Yes. History of sexual abuse in the family other than your own? Yes. Giving yourself to sex too easily? Yes. (I thought it was the only way to keep a boyfriend when I was younger- so to show them I would do a good wife. But it never works. I end up falling out with them.)

Stress now in your personal life? Well, like all of us. We are all stressed and have anxious thoughts for most of the day, and if they are not anxious thoughts, they are negative, they judge others or ourselves, they tell us that we are victims, they tell us this person looking at you over there thinks we are very ugly indeed. Or we fear that they want to use us for sex, or beat us up.

So, as responsible adults, we work on those old emotions to cleanse them out of us so we can be given another 50 years of graceful and elegant life. We go and see therapists in the hope someone will create a miracle for us. We trust all this will help, us inside and someone outside, as what else is our bodies but a reflection of our minds? Introversion, always.

My boyfriend tells me to stop looking inside so much, to look outside. How beautiful a life there is to live. How he doesn't care about my ailments.

I tell him I don't want to be outside, it is full of suffering. Suffering is what I see inside, and I certainly don't want to face the worse world outside that is will add more overwhelming suffering to my own which I can't process already.

Maybe I have gone mad and there is no fibroid at all and I am just a memory of my life, that I keep reliving the same way, not managing to change its direction because I am asleep. “lt is only by imagining the disease gone that we can manifest it”, say the new age gurus who also die of cancer.

Two years ago, I went through a phase of believing in momentum healing (healing in the moment - cost me a lot in therapists to discover what I could "perhaps" find in me, still not found it) so I did some spontaneous healing in my head and thought of sexual organs healing and flowing and LIFE in me ... All beautiful light thoughts. I was in the street when it happened. I felt my belly and could not feel the lump. Pressed, and found no lump. I had to stop walking to feel my belly that was suddenly so flat! I felt such intense joy! Maybe it was my boyfriend having sent healing too! But the fibroid came back an hour later. The whole event actually scared me. Before it happened, I had been doing breathing into my cervix/uterus exercise for a while, which my boyfriend had advised me to do, as well as I should be sending beautiful love to my uterus. (Why the hell should I be sending it love! It is being a pain in the neck!) so I never dared do that again in case I spontaneously healed and it lead to complications. (now you open a can of worms). What would I do without my physical unhappiness to show everyone how unhappy I truly was? What if I was not powerful enough to grow all those conditions anyway and it was nothing about unhappiness?

Today, my situation is - there is no change really, the fibroid and I plod along. All the plants, the healing, and they had said last year the ultrasound scan gave .93 mm in reduction that the MRI had given previously , and that there was some fluid in the abdomen. Then, she told me the fibroid was degenerating, according to the MRI scan they had done a year and a half ago. (they hadn't told me that at the time,maybe he didn't want to have to explain what degenerating meant to a foreigner who's not even from his country.). She explained what degenerating meant. She said as long as there wasn't sudden or large amounts of continuuous bleeding, that it didn't smell awful or cause pain, then it was fine to let it be. I was grateful she said that, she was very calming lovely, from another countrily country like me.

I am due another ultrasound this year some time. My periods have changed a bit over the year. It takes about 12 h of heavy bleeding, (I mean heavy) then 7-8 days of proper blood, 12 days to see the last trace of blood, then discharges a thick mucus that is pinkish at first and then yellow-ish, then it liquifies at what should be ovulation, then there was nothing till the next periods much.

However, last month there was a drastic NEWS. It will probably never happen again, because I am so used to those long, grey, dark bleeding days and thinking I haven't got long to live anyway so why bother. (I know, you don't want to be my friend) I am used to the " nothing will ever improve", whatever new miracle therapy I start with great lucky faith. (anything new always works for at least 3 days. After that, everything returns to normal)

However, that month, I did something I had never done in my entire life: spent a whole 2 nights and one day IN BED*!!! l didn't do anything, except go outside five minutes, and eat some diner in nice company. I have also been listening a lot to Edgar Tolle's teachings. Being in the moment and all that. Talked a lot about it with another friend and felt good connections. Lots of good hope, I felt like I was improving. Also, as soon as the periods started, I said to myself , "As the blood starts, l am going to consciously give myself an easier time, I will be kinder to myself, not work so hard, and take moments to rest, without obnoxious thoughts in the way. " (I was being inspired...)

So, when the periods arrived, on the spot, (and they were late....) of course I couldn't rest. I had to drive back home, get all my heavy and bulky stock out of the car, tidy up the messy lounge,then the kitchen, feed the dogs, then forgot I didn't have any food in the fridge.... Despite all that, I still sat down 5 minutes, and told my body: “You see, I listen. I am giving you 5 minutes of sympathy. I am with you and I hear you and your pain. I am sorry I work so hard, it is to provide us with a roof when we are really old. I love you, but if we don't work hard we will not get to the place where we can relax again, and think about our life, ponder about it looking over the valley and wondering what we could have done differently. We want our old age to be gentle and restful, as we have not been able to do that in our lives. Please, forgive me" ...

This is what I told my body during its 5 minutes rest.

So... this month...my period... was so much shorter that at day 5, it was really tiny, and at day 7, I was able to share love again; of course, the blood came back on day 8 or 9 (normally that had become the day 11/12) and the same (just about) pattern till the ovulation.

However, since those good news, I have really turned mentally. It started with food poisoning which gave me rotten guts for a week. My mind went foul then.

All that period of fluffy fairies and niceness lived before... It now felt as if something had got the darker side out of me. The one that wants to destroy who I is, destroy the chances of this life to be good. You know, the one that the paranoids of this world believe "lives in their heads". Those last few days, has been dark inside. Everything got worse physically and mentally. I cannot see any joy nor light. I fall out with my friends, with my boyfriend. Even with the dogs. And the Boss? a threatening message on my answerphone. I keep wondering, what am I doing to myself. What, is this body still growing that fibroid? Could it not just stop calling for help?

I wonder, what is the point to this life. What will I have brought others. How much am I going to suffer in my old age when I will have tennis elbows and no-knees, no strength in my wrists, my back is broken from the hard work, I have no hips, and my teeth have all fallen out? And I have Alzeimers as well? Or MS? Or the latest bloody deadly debilitating disease is haunting our bad-news papers and our aged pensioners?

What good will that be, to work so hard, to reach that stage and be comfortable - in some nice asyllum? - Any idiot would see the sense in this.

However, parts of me still want to fight back at happiness, to work so hard, make it so big, that I will be dead in 10 years anyway. Not from a fibroid but of a heart attack. Work hard, just keep working hard and then I will get a nice long holiday from existence. (says whatever is our ego)

Among that stress, physical and mental, the skin condition came back in a huge wave that had not been seen for a year because of all the (other) herbal therapy I had been doing. Then... that same day, flees bit me twice in 12h. ( l was only too pleased that it was not the sacrum herpes[...]) The sacrum herpes came back, straight and beautiful on the bone, the next day, as by enchantment.

Then the cycle changes... as all the physical erupts, I make up with my boyfriend. My neighbour has been extremely pleasant to me. A car that passed me in the lane as I had gone in the hedge for them, wave. A customer tells me a pleasant story, or complimented me on something personal. A car let me pass in the lane . See, lots of little miracles start happening again. It starts lifting the cr*p off that had just fallen off the sky. Either that or I start noticing the good in my life again.

The fibroid? I don't know. Sometimes I like to blame my family. It's their blo**y fibroid (litterrally)

Am I to blame for my life? Have I grown a monster of myself? Is it just showing me that if I keep on like I do, whatever I am doing wrong, Life will punish me like the good religious-grown cult tell me that I will end as anyway? Whatever I choose I will always be suffering? At every moment? To show my love to g*d?

The BOOK said to keep myself humble, not ask for help, and die in the ditch. Did that. Well, nearly. It doesn't bring heaven. Should I be suffering more? Or should I just rob this body and impose my saintly views onto an innocent child? (and I thought it was my neighbour) .

AH, to be happy and allowed to remember that, between the moments of sad that life carries within us, are those intense and long lasting moments of joy and happiness to remember.

If anything happens and I find this forum again (anything positive) I will let you know.

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