let it all slip away ...

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hey .. sorry if this sounds a bit rant like - or a bit attention seeking .. but I generally just need to confess and get it out my system ...

Had a really bad few weeks . problems with family, & university are being funny about me withdrawing temporally ...

Was feeling low ... and took two weeks worth of citalopram with a bottle of vodka chaser ... stupidist thing I ever done but honestly I didnt know what to do I was feeling so rubbish about myself and my parents are starting to get fed up with me - and my flat mate thinks I am overreacting and stuff and I just felt like I had no one to turn to ...

Obviously I survived but did not go to A&E when waking up ... think its all out my system now but spent days where I was having involuntary muscle spasms and chattery teeth - and a full 3 nights without sleep rolleyes

Everything seems normal and I am glad ... but am scared I will do something again .. my suicidal temperaments are really impulsive which makes it very hard for me to control myself ... like I just do it and my brain is telling me it is the right thing to do ...

I am really unsure whether to go to my GP or not ... I can't just ask for more meds but am starting to get the withdrawal symptoms now as I don't have any left ... I have like the 10mg tablets left from when I initally refused to take them a few months ago ... do you think I should just take those daily now, then build myself up again when I get my next batch of 30mg tablets?

Argh I am so confused and feel like total rubbish ... feel like I have let everyone down again and need help but don't feel like I can talk to my mum or friends any more ... I don't wanna tell my GP because like she was really pleased with the progress I was making and I don't want to let her down sad

Am scared to admit the impulses to anyone (I also get it to self-harm ... haven't self harmed in a year or so but have started again :S ) as I am scared I will be hospitalised or something ...

it feels weird .. most the time I feel numb - and want to cry but physically can't ... even when I cut myself it doesn't hurt ...

just feel like I have ruined 3 months of treatment and progress ...

hope everyone is well x

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Stevie! I think you should talk to your GP. You suffer with a condition that your learning to deal with. Dont feel guilty or shameful- its chemistry!

    You need to get yourself checked and indoing so you make a statement that you are beter than you were that night you did that to yourself!

    Also, see it as a step in the right direction .\"Im never going back there-that was scary thought\" and so on . be glad you survived.See it like you were accidentally knocked down by a speeding driver. Its NOT your fault! Go get checked.please!

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  • Posted

    stevie go to the GP mate!

    i have been having the exact same thing happen to me i took a OD and i still get urges to do it again its seems daft when you are in a good state of mind \" what a silly thing to do \" type thing but when you are in a wrong mood it seems exactly the right thing to do.

    sorry rambling :?

    like i say i know how you feel im off to see the second team today (mental health lot ) to see what they can do for me.

    its NOT A FAIL go see the gp and explain it to them they wont see it as a fail they will see it as some thinhg just needs ajusting to get it right, dont forget every one is differnt

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  • Posted

    Hi Stevie 42-weve not heard from you -and as soon as you can manage it, itd be great to hear from you! Ihope you are truly okay and have managed to check yourself out.

    Im going to be reallly honest here. ive not been disgnosed, like you have with Bi-polr-( you said you were in an earlier post)but I do understand it. very much! When I was about 14 I had a really bad experience with myself...then at 20 ish I ried to od on wine 3 bottles and about 40 paracetamols.( If you havent checked yourself out-this may make you fel better). Im now 33 nearly 34 and the wrinkles show, but hey thats character building for me-anyway, than at 31 or was it 32 I tokk tons of citalopram and drunk loads of wine( stil never checked it out).

    Im much better than ive been-and I did batter myself about a bit. starved myself for days( which made no difference-drank loads, ate nothing -took tons of laxatives-carried on! No one was none the wiser-until one day I cracked 1 full blown panic attack-then 2 then 3 then 4 then and on it wnet. I have 2 young children now. If I think about how I cant imagine my own life without my own mother, I try to think about their perspective, but as children are inately selfish ( well I was0 I still find it hard to manage. I dont have your so -called diagnosed condition-I dont( quite frankly thin diagnosis is a good thing...there are some books from a Man called richard bentall that perhaps could help you reach undiagnosed, untouched stuff, that you may not be aware that has affected you.

    I was going to create another post about this one.but as I have a so- called drink problem-which is here or there. Im sorry -its just I know far more people that drink far more than me and dont cling to lampost or sweat like a pureburnt out radiator when in a dentists chair-or shallow breath just as they have gone to their old uni. No one can diagnose me with anything as I cant lie, and I cant manageto stay of the booze for a month, so trying antabuse from Friday. the worrying thing is-and I dont know if I would ever act on it( but I cant stop thinking about slitting my wrists or going to the shop and buying tons of either paracetamol, or nurofen( sorry I should have posted this else where-but I think suicide ideationis part in part of the parcel-you dont think youll do it-then snap shit what have I done?crisis! etc??? Okay, maybe I should go bakc and discuss this with my gp -its got worse since I got good marks on my course, rather than better-I kind of know why, but dont know what to do .. Listen Stevie..if youve not seen your gp-go to a and e and tell them. Pleases just get checked out. i understand. its almost , well for me Im so scared of failing , that if I dont do well its a fail or id rather quit life altogether-do you get that? racing thoughts, hyper moments of I can do this , I will do this-to bricks walls made of gas bombs that could kil you forever. Do I make any sense or Have i gone of the beaten track. i dont mind honesty-I get loads of it here. Just take care, and keep us informed. We do al care on here.

    ps, i was kind of disspointed that my bloods showed no hormone deficiency , arthritic deficiency or blood defieiency as ive been feelin so muscle achey -a nd its seemilngly all in my head. I found that a bit dissapointing-but grateful that really theres nothing wrong :roll: :?

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  • Posted

    hey! i am doing a bit better now ... been acting a bit strange though

    keep going on binges, and stuff ... went on a three day speed binge which has messed me up no end sad am facing the consequences now and I am starting to see how alcohol is affecting me ... gonna go GP and see if I can change from citalopram .. speaking to a friend, who once was on it -she has similar problems (anger, strange behaviours, compulsions etc) on it, and changed to another one and was fine ... so maybe it is not the drug for me sad

    hope everyone is well x

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  • Posted

    Hi Stevie- good luck at your doctors! Glad to hear your feling bettter.

    Im not -forsome reason ive taken a u turn back to the underdogs! I get up , my stomach is in knots and I fel really sick . i actually feel sik, but its that feeling -that feeling of total doom! I hate it!!! I want to be that happy person that cant be bothered feeling!

    It could be due to drink-though im coming off that-but its more a feeling im going to colapse. i got annoyed with that thing living in this house. Annoyed with the social housing situation. I feel cold, empty and totally useless. I dont want to lie in bed and hide, but whats the point gettting up when I am so angry-I cant deal with my anger so i cry it away-then feel stupid and exhausted1

    Im pissed of with myself!!! I feel so bad I canhardly type.

    Ive an essay due in. Ive done the plan -figured out the reading/answer.Was up and ready to get started-but cant force myself/ I was screaming( not literally) but making sure my kids gave me a kiss goodbye as I am afraid that I see no way out and do something really sillly

    I thin I wan tmy house to be clean. I want out this situation. I want to do well. i was doing well. I was managing-but my coping was rewarding me with alcohol after a hard day-or dtinking myself numb-or dancing it away. Right now I dont want to eat . I want to sleep, but right now I cant I want to get up and get on with it. I want to look in the mirror and be able to reassure myself. I dont want to feel like this again!!! Maybe i preferrred swinging from lamposts at least I was doing something :oops:

    Ill try my best to get over it. Im scared though.....i see his stuff, the way he is with me and with the girls and I want to...( not putting it here) It would be criminal. Then I think there has to be away out of this...Perhaps I could go to the police and they could just document both how I feel and what iss goin on -even if it is just an emotional thing. Then I should go to my MP and ask about funding etc because financially im in a total mess!

    Then there is the scriest thoughts. the terror of being on my own -being followed or something like that happening to my girls-will it ever go! I dont unederstand why it happened tome either. Ive never really had lots of men, or been a great attraction-I think people seee me coming -they think ah her she comes-another doormat-whoop whoop we ll all have fun with this one...Why am i like this???? Im doing everything myself to rearrange my whackky thoughts. Ive got loads of self help books. Loads of them cases full of them and nothing changes the way I think. I cant ever look and say \"looking good toady\" I try it-but then I have those-pfff\"it doesnt matter anyway thoughts\" or \"see I am clever and I should give myself a pat on the back for doing well\" - but then I get \"I cant do it\" I feel sick and its never good enough...then the old me thinking \"If I can do it anyone cam\" But then why shouldnt they be able to why would i have to be superior????? I hate that I think anyone can do it....they just have to try...but then then that...if ic an anyone can , looking at it form a sarcy point ( if yuou know what I mean ) you know anyone can , the one eyed money. Anyway,gonig to doctors next week, but not for this.

    I also get sto pit-the news is really depressing but people manage without limbs and have a strong self to fight on through. I admire that! Oh sorry im whinning Il go away ...I dont mean to rant or upset anyone here-but I want this to go away. I fel physically sick. I was hoping it was a bug or something-but nothing.

    Okay - should I post this? No!!! But I will anyway! Sorry and good luck to folks out there. Maybe I think not feeling and being happy seems a little bit naive!

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  • Posted

    hey hope you are ok ..

    I have really strange thoughts :S i am only 19 but I am scared of being alone ... I crave to be in a relationship .. and I have passed up a few opportunities with perfectly nice people ... like cause they are just too normal ... and i know I am a few sandwiches short of a picnic .. it is quite strange ... like i dont wanna put someone who doesnt understand through it cause I can be quite weird at times! like it would be great just to have someone like who understands everything and is so much more accepting with you ! they should have a match.com for people like me would make things so much easier!

    am doing a lot better! which is good :D sorting myself out again! got a plan and I try to stick with it!

    A new technique I got told is ... everyday think of Three Positives smile

    One from the past, one from the present, and one from the future .. every day tryand think of something different

    E.g. today mine are:

    - Past : Passing all my GCSE's, and the prom and everything that followed- an amazing time and I got to celebrate something I had acheived and worked hard for smile

    - Present : I am really enjoying my job, and am looking forward to work smile

    - Future : I am going to Paris for a few days at the end of the month ! something to look forward to smile

    I know this helps me put myself ina more positive frame of mind, and especially the past one - lets you think of better times smile .. and I am sure everyone has something positive to look forward to smile

    Hope everyone is ok! x

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