Life Events

Hi i had a great life in the early years of growing then got married which lasted for 20 yrs  then got married to someone i meet at my work force, now into my next 20 yrs.

But i left a very good job, but left to go with Franchise which feel apart and we lost everything i got another job, but ended up on a disability,i feel sorry for my wife because she still has to work to pay our mortgage.

Sometime we make the wrong choice for our future, but i am bother that at night i have chronic nightmare ever night now for the last 12 yrs,i have sought all the help possible, but now with a new Doctor but back on taking anti depressants again.

Alexander.

Hi Hypercat, I can relate to what you are saying. My childhood was awful, abusive, neglectful my father was a brute,a cruel man. Because of this i suffer low self esteem, no confidence, no self worth, self respect and am very critical of myself. My marriage was also awful and my husband commited suicide. The only good that has come out of my life is my two children, now grown up. At times we have a difficult relationship, i believe because of not being able to express my love in the

usual way ie hugs and kisses, thou i love them very much and they know that. My chidhood has had a detrimental effect on every asspect of my life. The only way i can accept it now is to know that the past cannot be changed and that my childhood was not my fault. Very hard especially when i am in the dark depths of

depression, that only other sufferers can truly understand. 

When I spoke to my cognitive behavioural therapist recently (following a terrible experience with another therapist - re-referral; you know the old chestnut), I sort of explained to the problem I had with CBT was that it focused on the here and now rather than the past, and part of the mistake I made in the past was spending an inordinate amount of time bringing whichever therapist it was up to speed, and I asked him if there was any way I could bullet-point the story of my life rather than give, as before, an 18-page diary that was put in front of somebody that said "this is me". CBT is very structured; it is also very short-term but nonetheless intensive.

He suggested I condense it into a page that highlighted my positive and negative experiences. I spent around half an hour filling it in and it came out at two pages - virtually every day for 27 years in 2 pages.

I presented it to him at my next appointment and he read it; he was surprised to see just how much I typed on the pages, and how much detail despite the obvious constraints. He looked at my negative experiences; he looked at me. He looked back at them. He looked at me. He said, "you haven't had a break, have you?"

So I just sort of laughed and said, "no, not really." He asked me how I'd managed to pull myself through everything and I just sort of said that I've developed a lot of my own tools to use out of necessity since it was often the case the services didn't provide any care or guidance, and I wasn't satisfied with the effects of medication. He asked me if there was any medication that benefitted me and I said, "well, I've been through the A-Z of medication, and I mean that literally from the amitriptyline to zopiclone, and everything in between, and the only one that seemed to work was lorazepam"

I explained that I understood the dependency qualities of that drug so it wasn't in my best interest to take it on a continual basis. Over the course of the appointment he got to know me more, listened (which is important with any therapist) and was shocked that I was sitting in front of him, and was curious to know why I was still sitting there despite the fact - I didn't know, fully, the physiological aspect of, particularly, brain functions and definitions - I just knew enough about coping mechanisms for anxiety and depression for me to be able to cope without CBT. I explained to him, "there's just something missing still. Just something"

I explained to him a lot about the dissociative aspects of my condition; the degree of punishment that I give to myself for things (mentioned in my negative experiences) that I can't change. I spoke to him about DBT, about having a proper diagnosis, about the problems I have with medication (which he agreed with, and was again shocked at my level of awareness) - he even said, "your level of awareness is admirable" - and I said, "I won't say it's exceptional because I'm sure others have it too", and he said, "you'd be surprised" and we both sort of laughed, and I mentioned that I can imagine a lot of instances where people just sort of sit there and say nothing. He nodded.

He explained to me that the reason I was quite different to a lot of people ("certainly that he'd met", he said), was in the fact I took the time out to fully immerse myself in... well, me, basically. He explained that based on my negative experiences (particularly in childhood) that I'd developed my own survival manual, and that this survival manual developed more clarity as my condition progressed, and allowed me the chance to look inward. Circumstances that I considered negative actually, in his opinion, worked to my advantage because it allowed me time to “think”, and in that “thinking time” I learned to “observe, rationalise, interpret and process” the black and white reality of every situation, which he said was not unique but was different (and challenging) to what he was used to dealing with, and he understood why I'd been met with such adversity from the clinical nature of the services.

How we intend to progress is through activities such as re-scripting, grounding and daily activity diaries. First time I've looked forward to therapy in ages actually.

You are right learnt behaviour is very hard I've had anxiety attacks on and off for years, my counsellor said I had not learnt any coping skills from my parents as a child.  My Dad was always ill with his nerves and anything that happened my Mum panicked and it was always a major crisis.  However, having said that I made a conscious effort not to be anything like my parents who were both controlling and abusive.  My kids have turned out really well balanced and have become kind and mature adults.  I too had low confidence but fought it and have come through it, it's by no means easy and takes an enormous amount of effort.

I have only recently been able to forgive my Mum for what she did to me as a child and I am in my early 50's.

I must admit I have always experienced great difficulties dealing with people in authority such as bosses, no idea why?

I've recently lost my long and happy marriage of 30 years and what was once a very happy family due to depression.  My husband has been bullied in the workplace and despite us all trying to help and support him he wants no help from anyone professionals included, sadly he has pushed us all away.  He is still bumbling round like an unexploded firework pretending all is well, knowing what I went through with the anxiety I know he cannot avoid his issues forever and will at some point have to face his fears!