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I have been suffering from anxiety for as long as I can remember. As long as I think I can control the future, I feel perfectly normal. When there is a rough life situation, it sends me spiralling into an abyss of aweful thoughts and I make up terrible scenarios with very low probability of happening, yet I can't seem to stop thinking about them. I have just transitioned careers, moved in with a gf, and trying to adjust to life in a new country. In the process I made several logistical blunders and I've now convinced myself the tax system will slap me with horrible penalties and I'll incur large financial losses.
I know my worrying is pointless, but somehow not worrying makes me scared. I worry so much it's hard to even approach solving my problems because of how afraid I am of the worst case scenario. It's aweful and painful, and I know many people suffer this. No amount of mental gymnastics helps, just makes you tired and more anxious.
The origin of my problems is partially genetic and partially upbringing. My folks went through tough immigration, and I was a very impressionable kid, absorbing all their stress and taking on personal responsibility. My father, being worried I'd be behind in school, put a lot of pressure on me to succeed, and that created more anxiety than ever. The extent to which financial stability and success was emphasized has made me neurotic, trying to avoid any failure or mistake possible, setting "perfect" goals with no room for error. I had extreme anxiety episodes during my undergrad and grad school. I tried to learn about it and seek help, but was too afraid of taking medication.
I now have been on Cit for 11 days, started on 10 mg (a few small side effects) and upped to 20 mg. 20 mg caused my anxiety to skyrocket with unpleasant dreadful thoughts, to the point of tears (I am a 30 year old guy). If you look at my life from the outside, it's perfectly fine, but on the inside I am an obsessive perfectionist who has melt downs around mistakes, especially career or finance related, to the point where it's impossible to work through my problems and find reasonable solutions.
I feel ashamed seeing people on here with actual families and kids, struggling to keep their life in order, while my issues are more trivial in comparison. I had a rather sad thought that I will likely not have the inner strength to support a family and kids. I am not sure what I'm living for at the moment. I only hope that medications can help me get back on my feet, as I dug myself rather deep this time. From there I will seek methods of coping and mind training. Right now feeling aweful and completely helpless, at the total mercy of my vivid imagination, squandering precious moments with friends, family and my partner. Hoping to hear some positive success stories and outlooks here, I really need some clarity to put myself back together. Will keep on with the drugs for now, I know it can take a few weeks.
Thanks for reading, and wish you all the best of health and speedy path to recovery.
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