1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Alcohol Consumption

Living with a recovering alcoholic

Posted , 8 users are following.

MrsGee
MrsGee

I have lived with my partner for the past 4 years and when I met him he liked a drink, but at the time, it seemed just sociably.  As the relationship progressed, so did his drinking, if we were out socially he would end up so drunk and quite embarrasing on a number of occasions.  The drinking stepped up a notch when we bought our own place and for the past 3 years it has become a problem within the home more times than I care to mention, going from barely being able to speak, not wanting to do anything unless there was alcohol involved in the activity, making promises and reneging on them, wetting the bed, starting arguments when there was nothing to argue about, the culmination of this behaviour has been that 2 weeks ago he moved into the spare bedroom where he drank a bottle of vodka every night on his own, only to pop downstairs to start an arguement with my sons or me.  I told him I wanted out, house to go on the market and go our seperate ways.  With that he made an appointment to see his doctor, who in turn said if he continues drinking what he drinks, he will be lucky to live beyond another 4 years... he is only 40 years old.  He has confessed to me since the visit to the doctors that he's always drunk more than he should and has struggled with alcohol for the past 20 odd years.  He has moved to his parents to start his detox and has to go back to the doctors in two weeks to let him know progress there has been, also he's been to a meeting with  Inclusion, previously Homer, it was just an initial chat, they have given him some material to look through. He will go through an assessment following on from the next doctors appointment, and will then be assigned a key worker who he can chat to and will support him.  I suppose what I want to know is how I'm supposed to behave towards him, whilst I still have feelings for him, I'm not sure I want to sign up to be with him forever as I just can't believe he will never touch a drop again.  He's emailing me saying he still loves me and wants to get married when he's sober, but whats the reallity of that?  Do I tell him the truth that I can't stay with him or do I give him time to start the road to recovery without any stress from me?

  

0 likes, 43 replies

43 Replies

Prev Next
  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 MrsGee

    Posted

    Do not cheat yourself or your family.  This man needs to prove he can be sober for year before you even consider..moving back in together and definetly before you consider marriage.  I am an alcoholic....AND I can tell you...I have made numerous promises to myself and to others...one time I did stop for 8 years. 

    But I started drinking again 2 years ago...and I have been unable to STOP again for any significant amount of time no matter what is at STAKE.  My 8 year break from alcohol changed my life...and only after a year could I be trusted not to drink.

    Also, I went to AA and they always said....never make any BIG decisions MYSELF...until I had a year sober.  You are risking too much. 

    I now live with someone who never told me he had a drug problem....and for the last 3 years...we have been living together...he has been using drugs heavily....I'm at my END with him as well...because I KNOW that addiction is powerful.....I know he makes promises..just as I have and can't keep them.  Mine is a toxic relationship...and so is yours.

    ESPECIALLY you can't put your kids thru this.

    I'm sorry you bought your own place with him, I'm sorry that you fell in love with someone on the basis of not knowing his drinking history, I'm sorry that you are suffering and that he is suffering from alcoholism....AND...you can not put any of you back into that situation.  You are the one with the level head...and I'm sorry...but you really have to use your head and not your heart sad

     

    • MrsGee
      MrsGee Misssy2

      Posted

      Thank you Misssy2 - I feel so sorry for you and the fact you stayed off alcohol for 8 years is amazing, I can only assume your relationship doesn't help either - I can understand why people turn to drink to numb the pain and reality of sometimes, what is a harsh and hard world.  I would be a liar to say I don't drink, but not to excess night after night, but when I do, I enjoy the  feeling of strength and confidence that I'm ok.  I'm a smoker, so I guess thats my addiction and if you said you cannot have another cigarette again... I would struggle big time - so I do understand an addiction to a certain degree, but I guess smoking unless in a room full of people who don't like the smell, doesn't affect my family or friends on a daily basis.  I really hope you find a way to stop drinking x

       

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 MrsGee

      Posted

      I also used my additions to justify other people's addictions I am also compassionate like you and put others first. Whatever you decide to do I'm glad you have found this place to vent it is very helpful very nice people here.
  • RHGB
    RHGB MrsGee

    Posted

    Missy,

    I take it that you had a bad day yesterday, that is unlike you to be so negative.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 RHGB

      Posted

      Hahaha I did have a bad day yesterday and I also was angry when I saw her Mirs Gees other half had not been open with her at the beginning of the relationship it brought back memories of my own relationship. I know we're not really qualified to tell others what to do however I feel like I know what she is in for if she does not wait until he has it. Of sobriety
  • MrsGee
    MrsGee

    Posted

    thank you all who have commented on my post, I am so pleased I found this group - the honesty and support you have with each other is great :-)  I want to post this photo I found the other day....
  • andy89516
    andy89516 MrsGee

    Posted

    hi mrs gee, am sorry i would just leave him before its to late,waiting for a change whats not going to happen, ive been drinking for 27 years made every promise in the book ,but never kept to it, once i had her back, she said she wasted 15 years with me , now at 55 she fills to old to meet some one now,and that hurts becuase i do love her,but i also love the drink, am 47 and with a new person and doing it all again,but this is my first week trying to stop,and i start a new job in two weeks time,and will not be able to drink, as you are breath tested, so with what am doing now and job will work for me, i could tell you so much more but i hate txting,and this site as help me,an the people replying to you have reply to me, they dont no it,but they have all help me along my new journey , ive had kids wife every think, but lost good people cuz of drink, i hope now my life will change now,new job partner of 6years it will all stop and she come back to me when she see ive changed,i no not every one will agree with what ive wrote,but i say it like it is,and the truth and no beaten around the bush, like i said i have 27 years of heavy drinking every day less i was to ill to not drink that one day, so get out while you young, before its to late. longest txt i write yet, but you story intrested me and remined me of my life.                       good luck
    • MrsGee
      MrsGee andy89516

      Posted

      Thank you Andy, at 51 years of age I'm feeling I'm too old to start again with someone else.  I hope you manage to stay off the drink and that your relationship and new job give you the incentive you need - people who drink aren't bad people, just made bad choices :-(

       

    • andy89516
      andy89516 MrsGee

      Posted

      ok ,but 51 is no where old, its up to you now to think, dont become 60 then think i wish i done this 9 years ago, take care i speak through experince, ive not heard no one on here drinking as long as i have, trying to help you,                          good night
    • MrsGee
      MrsGee andy89516

      Posted

      I know you are Andy and unfortunately even in the past 24 hours I'm begining to think is this really what I want... watching and waiting for him to fall off the wagon :-/  Life is to be lived and the longer I spend away from him the calmer I'm becoming.  I just don't want to upset him now and push him back to drinking, but am obviously looking out for me and my own.  Thanks for commenting
    • RHGB
      RHGB andy89516

      Posted

      "ive not heard no one on here drinking as long as i have"

      25 years solid, every night, except for when I had full blown flu for three days and I couldn't get out of bed? That takes some beating.

      You get to a certain age (I'm 50) where you just don't want to start again. The emotional bank is overdrawn, I don't think I would wan't to go back on the dating circuit, whatever form that may take. We have no children to worry about, the dog is our child and I've told the missus if we ever split up, she gets to keep her. I will get another dog, that will be my companion.

      You'll always hear women complain, in their hunt for their second relationship in their forties or fifties (often when the children have left home), that there aren't any suitable men, all the good ones have been picked off and married, and the ones left, are either on the shelf for a very good reason, or they are like me, will not engage in a relationship again. There's something quite schadenfreude about it, in their teens and twenties, women have the upper hand, but the tide turns the other way later in life.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 andy89516

      Posted

      Its a real refreshing thing to watch another "alcoholic" try to help someone who is struggling "with" an alcoholic in their life....That was so nice of you to try and send MrsGee...the message of hope...because in my mind - I agree with you.... I wish she choses to free herself and her children...I understand about LOVE...but we all have to try and love ourselves first....before we can give any of that away...I drank for so LONG too....and I also know first hand...how much alcohol destroys lives...hopes and dreams...actually MrsGee....its just begining for you....I pray he gets sober...so you can actually all be happy again.
  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 MrsGee

    Posted

    Mrs Gee has had 27 replies which is the highest I have seen since Feb 2015 when I joined. All good and relevant and just look after yourself and your family. Once an alchoholic always an alchoholic is true if you keep this in mind every day AFTER you have stopped drinking. He would have to make a spectactular turnaround and he should be grateful still to be alive. Hard to know yet since it is early days yet but I do wish you all the best.
    • MrsGee
      MrsGee Robin2015

      Posted

      Thank you Robin, all of the responses in one way or another have been helpful and given me stuff to think about.  I wish each and everyone of you some sort of peace of mind - it must be hell on earth knowing that by drinking to alcoholic status you will never lead a normal life and have the happiness you deserve.
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 MrsGee

      Posted

      Hi...MrsGee....

      "drinking to alcoholic status you will never lead a normal life and have happiness you deserve".

      I hope I never gave that impression.  I had 8 years sober and was living a normal life and had happiness.  I don't think I would have started drinking again if I did not lose a job I worked hard at for 19 years.  I really think I would still be sober and happy if I worked there.

      I know many people...that have been sober over 10 years, over 20 years...etc.  It is possible.  My point to you is that the alcoholic really has to form new habits...and change their thinking patterns and because drinking usually becomes such a HABIT after a long period of time..it is very HARD for people to change.  But, it can be done and people can be successful.  The standard waiting period in AA and some medical advice...is a year.  If a person maintains sobriety for a year....the person themselves....is in a better place to maintain their sobriety and they by a year...are thinking more clearly and making better decisions..which leads them to having happier..more "normal" lives.

    • MrsGee
      MrsGee Misssy2

      Posted

      I actually meant that if you drink to the point that you are diagnosed as an alcoholic and do nothing about trying to quit, you will never lead a happy and normal life.  Not if you've been an alcoholic then quit and lead a life of sobriety, that you still wouldn't be happy and lead a normal life.
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 MrsGee

      Posted

      Yes sad....I learned I was alcoholic many, many years ago...I think I recognized it at 17 and continued to drink till I was 41...and my life got so much worse..as did my childrens lifes because of it.  I had tried many times in those years to be sober and couldn't.

      In 2005...I did get sober....and in 2013.....I relapsed...and it was over a BIG life change....but I recognized it again...and I have been trying again.  Its a very powerful conditon.  Good luck at the Drs...I'm glad you are now involved with hearing information first hand....and that your mate is trying to involve you. 

      Just be careful....you have so much at stake.  Love can be blind sometimes...

Back to top
Prev Next

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.