living with an alcoholic but I am too ill to leave

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I am a 62 year old woman with health problems. My partner for 18 years is an alcoholic. It was tolerable when I worked full time because my social life revolved around work and my work friends. At 55 I became ill and can no longer work outside the house and my partner's drinking is becoming intolerable and yet, sadly I feel I can't leave him because I do not know many people in the state we are living and at times need help going to doctor appointments. I feel so stuck. I have threatened to leave him, pleaded with him to get help but he does not want help. He sits in the den drinking every night, goes out with his friends during the day and sometimes does not come home but stays at his friend's because he is too drunk to drive. I don't know how to get him to stop. He says he does not care, It is pretty hard having a normal conversation with someone who slurs his words, bullies and bluntly makes no sense after drinking We no longer have anything in common. He watches TV and drinks and I sit in the other room on the computer or reading or consulting when I can. I am wondering if anyone else with health problems is living with an alcoholic and how they manage.  He does not drink during the day unless he is with his friends but does drink vodka every night until he falls asleep.  His dirnking has destroyed our relationship and yet, I feel stuck and afraid to be alone due to my health issues. Living with a drinker makes you think you are the crazy one. When I feel able, I like to go out but no longer socialize with him because I am fearful of what he might say when he drinks. It is humiliating.  He is 67. and for the life me I can't even understand how someone 67 years old could handle drinking as much as he does. I am feeling lonely and defeated and not sure what to do  

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  • Posted

    I feel your pain and wish you well. Been there, done that,one part - don't wish it on anyone. We will got over it, one day at time. It's mind over matter. I WILL do it one day. There is a moment when we feel a good day, just gotts to fake it last .

    Stay strong my friend..All the best, Tim

    I

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  • Posted

    You and I have identical problems, my alcoholic husband is also 67, I am 65, and have had a stroke, and heart problems, so dont feel I can cope alone, or even financially.  I cant have my grandkids to stay, because my daughter wont allow them to, because he has been seen by her, drunk on vodka at 9am.  I hate living with a drinker, the smell, the absolute rubbish he talks, the "attacking"attitude verbally he has to me, we also have no relationship. I can barely bring myself to be civil to him-45 years married, and I wouldnt have believed you if you told me I'd end up with a drunk for a husband! He doesnt care about 'special' days, my 60th came and went with not as much as a hug, our 40th & 45 anniversaries as well, and it does make me resentful, when I hear of friends of same ages etc, who are "giong to New York" to celebrate a 60th, or "treating ourselves to a cruise" fo the Ruby wedding.  Rotten part is, he USED to be a kind loving man- alcohol has killed that- and he like yours doesn't want to stop, he says he has no problem!
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    • Posted

      hi Olive,

      how do you cope with it. I want so desparately to leave but feel so stuck. He embarreshes me whenevr we do go out, with hisdrinking, his bragging, thinking he is funny but all anyone sees is a drunk. I am here for you whenever you want to talk. ps- I changed mynae to AnnAdams on this site. I feel for you. I do not have children, wish I did.  I often wonder what to do, can I make it onmy own I have spine issues and GI issues. When I do feel good and can go out, I go alone or with some few friends but when I get home, he is bullying me where did you go, with whom, and quite honestly, I don;t feel I even owe him an explanation. I wish I knew  the answer. Maybe you can go sty by yuor daughter or husband once in awhile for a break, My mom lives 4 hours away and it is hard for me due to my back issues to drive that far,  I never thought my life woukd turn out this way. 

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    • Posted

      HI Olivo. Very hard situation and life for you and I am not certain what advice to give you since you have suffered for so long. If you had more money you could walk out but there is also your health to consider. Who does he listen to?? Just wondering what it takes for him to wake up?? Cannot see his grandchildren and that is really bad obviously. Hang in there we are here to give you good advice whenever...  smile
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  • Posted

    I have 2 married daughters here with us in Spain, and a son who lives in Seattle. Recently I stayed with one of my daughters for 10 days-they thought it might shock him that I left - but he didnt care, he knew I was living in a luxury environment, wtih her and her family, pool, staff etc -I turned up back at mine unexpectedly, and his empty booze bottles were everywhere, he just didnt need to hide it anymore as I wasnt there!! I chose to come home, as lving with my daughte didnt feel like MY life. And now, she wont allow her dad into her house, or talk to him, and he blames ME for turning her against him!! So leaving isnt an option, and silly as it sounds, I worried the whole time about him, as he has fallen before an been hospitalised, and has had a stroke in the past. x My name is also a 'nickname' !
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  • Posted

    Hi you two! I'm an recovering alcoholic/binge drinker/ alcohol dependant..Id like to help though. My partner of 3 years is a ex alcoholic (22 years with out) who was brought up by an alcoholic father( who died at 59) and has lived with me, who is trying to stay sober, after a long battle. This year I've had 2 binges for a few days so my best yet, re progress. It can be done. My advice is go to ALANON, my partner has and it's helped him so much. I do realise that all meeting are, like AA, but if you do find a good one it could help you to understand and cope with his illness but more importantly the effect it has had on you, because it's made you ill too. I think maybe they do online meetings too. Please google alanon and I send you my best wishes xx
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    • Posted

      ON the right track Paper Fairy?? It seems like it and I wish you all the best. Good advice from you to us all  smile
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  • Posted

    I did try an online support group on Facebook called Courage to Change, but foundit to be too spiritual for me. "Look to your higher power to help you" - to me that's to much hogwash!! NO ONE  up there is going to help pick up my passed out husband , ony me, and as for "look after you" - very hard, when it's HIM that's is stressing me out and causing my psoriasis to flair, and my heart problems are made worse because of stress. So, no,  'groups' dont help me!
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    • Posted

      I'm sorry to hear that. My partner aged 60 also suffers with psoriasis, and so I understand that. If you're desperate, re your husband, you will try anything to get better. Be it a higher power, a pill, a herbal remedy, anything. I don't think you should give up. Others get better and hope you can too. I'm only trying to help you, busy tho I am, that's all. Good luck :-)
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    • Posted

      I know that, thank you, it's just such a desperate situation. I'll give you an example, just had a phone call from daughter asking me to babysit for her tonight- but dont bring her father. She doesnt want him round her kids, but for me, because they dont come to my house, it's a chance to see them tonight. He is bitter about this. But her refusal makes my life harder & more stressful,
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  • Posted

    I live in Spain, there are no local english speaking meetings-only in the bigger cities
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